You’re under arrest!

It must be illegal to be single. It looks like the time is coming when you’ll be driving down the interstate singing your favorite tune or bopping to that jam with the sunroof down until you look in the rear view mirror to find flashing cop lights. Some curse word explodes out of your mouth and you pull over. You’re trying to figure out what you did. Your eyes flash to the speedometer and it’s not that. Your seat belt was on. Whatever. You pull over and the cop makes his way over, and asks you if you’re single. Dazed, you answer yes, and he shakes his head and proceeds to tell you that you are under arrest and reads you your rights. “You are under arrest for being single, for not having “someone”.

You are charged with not going with the culture of just having a boyfriend or girlfriend for the sake of having someone. The society sees that as rebellious and therefore you will be arrested till you find someone. You have the right to remain silent .Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have a right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.
Isn’t that how it feels sometimes? That you’re missing a societal limb if you don’t have a significant other. Movies…restaurants…hobbies. Most people can’t bear the thought of going to the movies by themselves…eating out alone. Are you nuts? Man It’ll be so good to have someone to share these things with.
If I see another couple snuggling at the movies I’m going to barf. If I see another teenage couple swapping spit on the beach or in the mall, I’m going to walk up and hand them brochures for the Hilton.
For some of us, the frustration is even more. But why? Aside from the occasional sight that makes you yearn for your own snugglebuddy (whatchunoboutdat????), there are some other deep factors that make it even worse to be single…that make it harder to be single and ok.

CULTURE: Add “Single” to any two combinations of the following and I might as well just leave this section blank: Female over 26, African, the first child over 27, have a married younger sibling, have friends that your parents know…who are married. By having “someone” it almost feels like we are on the path to fulfilling our cultural destiny of being married and “settling down”.

BOREDOM: You see, if your time is not occupied…If you don’t have much going on you’ll feel that pang so much more. Now I don’t mean filling your time with mindless and pointless activities just to kill time because that won’t get you very far. It will be unsustainable and a drag real quick. What I do mean is to fill your time with things that matter to you or to the world around you. Find a cause you’re passionate about, dust off that recreational activity you loved so much a while back but got “too busy” to pursue. Start a venture around something you enjoy. Get more active in the community. All these things will take some of your time off “Boredom” and take some of your heart off the need to be in a relationship. The other benefit of that is this: If you follow the formula above (Do what matters you to or to the world around you), you will grow. I guarantee guara-flippin-tee it! You will grow mentally and in character, and your sense of self will get such a boost. You will be more attractive for it. You will love yourself more for it and others will have something more than your looks or possessions or any other fleeting attributes to be attracted to you for. There is just something about someone that is doing something other than just existing for a 9-5.

OUR FRIENDS ARE DOING IT: Peer pressure hides behind the fact that what our peers are doing is good for us too. Sometimes it’s true and sometimes it’s what bulls pass through their anus after feasting. Some times it’s true but not true YET, and that’s the case with this issue. Being in love is good. Having someone to call your own and snuggle with, who cooks your meals or does your oil change, who you can have passionate sex with in marriage without sinning as a Christian…are all very good. But it may not be true for you YET. They say that relationships are like a city under siege. Those in it want t get out and those outside are trying to get in.

YOU GET ATTENTION FROM THE OPPOSITE SEX: This is hard to admit but here it is – It is so much harder to be single if you are constantly getting attention from the opposite sex. Ok it’s out. Phew. Now let’s break it down. By the way, there are few things more dangerous than a pretty face/body that knows it- (A looker like me would know ;o). – That’s another post entirely.) So how does this “attractive” thing play out?
It is very frustrating for a person who is getting attention from the opposite sex, to justify being single. When you’re always getting “the look”, you start to feel more and more, that there is no reason to be single. As a Christian, it becomes a bit harder to remember that the purpose of getting into a relationship is to fulfill a higher purpose. Many women handle this by always having a man but then it gets to a point where you fear being alone because you’ve always been with someone but you fear being with just anyone because you don’t want to have to start over again a year from now. This applies to Christian men too. For both men and women, even when you want to do it right, all this attention from the opposite sex makes it harder to be ok being single…it makes it harder to wait.

YOU ACTUALLY KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT MAKING SOMEONE HAPPY: You’re the woman that can make a man thank his stars….you know how to protect a man’s pride…you cook a bad meal…you have the patience of a saint… you can turn a man into a boy in your arms. You’re the man who can use God, Sade, strawberries and chocolate in the same sentence. You can be a protector… a comedic relief and a leader. You have principles that make King Leonidas of the 300 Spartans look like a schoolboy. You were the guy Percy Sledge sang about in the original version of “When a man loves a woman”…You know you can connect to a woman’s soul. It will be hard to be single. I don’t only mean that from the perspective that it will be hard because you will have options (although that’s true), I mean that from the perspective that if you did decide to wait for the right one and the right time….it’s going to be difficult and frustrating because you can’t wait to do these things for someone so they can fall more and more in love with you.
You desire to be loved and you know how do to certain things to fan a person’s love-fire for you. It’s the desire to be loved at play and it’s a strong , natural desire. To alleviate all that, your REASON for waiting on the right person and right time must be a deep strong one. The reason has to be higher than you. That’s the only way you’re not going to succumb to the need to “JUST HAVE SOMEONE”.

YOU DON’T KNOW THAT SIDE OF GOD: I don’t just mean that you don’t know “of “him, because it’s possible to know of him but not know him. It’s even possible to know him but not the part of him that has a vested interest in connecting you with the right person for you. Many people see God from the perspective of the “Warrior God” or the “PUNISHER” God who doesn’t want you to have any fun; Many people forget the “LOVE ORCHESTRATOR” part of God. If you haven’t read it, read (or read again) pound for pound one of the best love stories ever! Ruth chpt 2-4
Your comments- you can answer any or all:
– Have you ever felt you’re in any of the situations above or met anyone who has?
-Any other ideas on how to fight the urge to “just have someone”

Feel free to post a comment and share any thoughts on being single…

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  • hmmmmmm…..still thinking :: hmmmm :: Gods will be done ::

  • Rapfadoju

    Great post. It is reality based and not just a fiction. Once in a while the urge to reject the status of being a single can be so strong which I have experienced as a person. To be frank a sign of rejection straightens that urge and causes one to think and ask, is this right? Why not wait for the right time and probably the right person? It might be a little strange, but a little sign or symptom of rejection or possible rejection opens the eye and mainly the Eye that matters most; the Spiritual Eyes. Great job Bro. It’s great to have these private issues out sometimes. It helps to reproof & disciple one. What a privilege and honor to have the Word of God and Godly friends, Godly brothers and sisters to keep one in shape and in tune with God’s principle. More Grace!!!

  • CheeringUon

    Status: Single and living life to the full (beaming with smile). Yep, I said it. Go ahead, arrest me! lol. Nice post. The single status is a case of “you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone”. I currently have a bride to be on my BBM and oh yeah the ever so frequent status updates..”Lord I thank you for my husband to be”,”My husband to be is the best thing that ever happened to me”, and on and on and on. What can I say, must be nice. I guess when I reach that hurdle i’ll cross it (beaming with smile). After being in a few relationships that obviously did not lead to the altar, I have come to embrace and appreciate my single status (beaming with smile), trust me am loving it; especially after numerous testaments from friends and strangers that say “don’t be in a hurry to get married”, “take your time”, “I envy your single status”, “pursue your dreams before you get married”, ” this marriage business is not easy”, and the likes. I guess I have my parents (they’re a rare breed) to thank, I don’t get typical lecture/pressure to get married like some of my friends do. When it comes to the issue of marriage I come to learn it pays to be patient and choose wisely, cause forever is a long time. Enjoy being single while it lasts….still beaming with smile.

  • Adeola

    Its hard being single especially when everything is done in pairs. Its almost a fight to explain that you are single because you are holding out for the right one. Ultimately, society will always have something to say about your relationship, your wedding, your marriage, your children, your job etc. It is impossible to please people so we should just be concerned about pleasing God and ourselves. We are all accountable for the decisions we make and we must ensure that we are making the ones that we can live with and not the ones we are pressured into. It is not easy being single but its harder to be divorced.

  • I-met-u.com

    Almost everyday (if not everyday), there’s at least something to remind you that you are single (if u r). It will sometimes take the Grace of God, the strength of character and purpose to not just settle simply because we want our status to change. It’s not that easy. But I believe its better to try to get it right now than wish you had been more patient later. Nice post. I can’t believe I read till the end.

  • Dawn

    I love it. Reminds me of this video I saw a while back, Check it out…http://youtu.be/igCj3jsbcqs

  • I-met-u.com

    Yes Dawn, I saw that video a while back too. Solid…loved it.

  • Lovethispiece!

    I can definitely attest to your message. I am a lady in my late twenties and I get asked a lot that why am I still single? It’s a funny question I must say. It’s not really by choice that I am still single, but more that I haven’t found what I am looking for. Then “they” tell me, don’t be picky, there’s no perfect guy out there, and I completely agree, but at the same time, you cannot afford not to be picky. I think we must be picky to an extent….this is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, for crying out loud. Whether single or not, a companion doesn’t bring life fulfillment and security. We must depend on God for true satisfaction. It is only God that can fill us, not man. A mate is just to compliment us and to help us fufill the vision God has given us. In other words, a mate is a “pro-vision” for the vision/purpose you are called to.

  • rita

    wow, i really loved this piece. I love your play on words; serious but comical as well. It’s hard being single especially when a lot of extra pressure is coming from our parents. May the Almighty give us the grace to wait and allow HIM to do the selection (amen)

  • Choco

    Love it!!! In the past I dated just to have someone by my side. Many times I was completely unhappy but kept the relationship going for fear of being alone! However, I must admit the small span of time that I was SINGLE I got the chance to learn more about ME instead of being someone else’s shadow!
    Just going by my personal experiences and the experiences of my family and friends, sometimes we search too hard for that “perfect person” that we completely miss out on people who are right beside us, they may not be that “perfect person” but given the opportunity they may be much more that just PERFECT!

    • ijustmetme

      Thanks for sharing Choco! Its so true. That time of being alone can be a time to get to know yourself on a deeper level…to build some emotional stamina on your own.
      You know…what you said about “searching too hard for that perfect person” is so true. we have our long checklist we run through and we cant seen to find who matches it when in fact, there is someone right there who could be perfect for us if we saw the good they bring to the table. keep sharing!

  • Have you ever felt you’re in any of the situations above or met anyone who has?
    Wow this is an amazing blog , i really feel every believer or not should read this blog because it literally speaks the truth about people and the way they pursue after; what society has put in place to be the norm. people follow other people because they have this craving for a leader , an originator in them that will lead them . After the fall of man , man has been shifted from the creator to other things in life that makes people feel like they are getting the satisfaction , the peace their spirit man crave for, not knowing that they are only hurting themselves gradually .
    For most part of my life i have lived a life of trying to please people , friends and moving with the status quo that the society has laid before me , it wasn’t until i sought the face of God that i found out that it was not the original plan , it was only a plan that the devil has put in place to continue to win trophies (people) from God . So i had to decide: do i want to be a trophy for God or for the devil ?
    -Any other ideas on how to fight the urge to “just have someone”
    Knowledge is a great asset but understanding and revelation is greater , for me it was the change of my MIND , that started the change from this social craving

  • Andre

    I understand where your coming. I look back at every woman I’ve ever dated and now I Thank God…………….. That I’m not with any woman i’ve met in the past b/c I didn’t know why he created me back then. Now that I know that, it makes selecting the woman I’m going to eventually spend my life with a lot easier than in the past……………

  • Singleness no easy o.. it takes control, it takes commitment and reliance on God’s plan for you and where He wants you to be in the moment. Also, life is hard.. and it always feels like if you have someone there to help you go through it, it’ll be fine. We just forget that we’re not on our time.. but God’s; and that he’s the only one that can truly get us through. He is the one who knows when we are truly ready for that next step…

    E no easy sha. Anyone who disputes that fact should halla at me…

  • Jersey Girl

    I think the key is in realizing that God made us to love and to be loved. Someone to love is not something God won’t give you, if you only asked and if you went His way (when you are dependent on someone giving you something, you go by their terms right?). God’s terms include faith, patience, having an understanding (what is the goal of being partnered up with someone?, what are your roles in each others’ lives?), having a teachable spirit (if you don’t wish that not-that-awesome guy over there on anyone, think about whether you wish yourself on anyone the way you are right now) etc. I know that He won’t deny us that, should we just ask and let Him do his thing in us. When you realize you want God’s version, the world’s version seems really jacked up and your willing to wait on Him.

  • Monique Faison

    I fall under many of the sections that you have given…especially the “CULTURE” one. Recently, I purchased a ticket to the Sade concert, but I couldn’t go because my family didn’t want me to go ALONE. I protested, and I bought the ticket even though they didn’t want me to go, but then, I thought about God wanting me to honor my parents, and I called my mom back and told her that I wouldn’t go to the concert. I felt hurt after I did this, even though I know it’s best to honor your parents, but a part of me felt like I was being punished for not having a boyfriend/a husband and/or a friend that I could go to the concert with that night…the “not having a friend” issue will not be discussed here. Society does punish us for not being in a relationship, and it’s very difficult during Valentine’s Day or any other holiday that stresses togetherness to be alone trying to feel loved by God without feeling punished for not being able to be in a committed relationship.

    For the most part, I have been told by older adults that I have qualities that are great, but by my peers, not really, and so I understand why I’m not dating or why I’m not in a relationship. I feel like no one sees me, and that’s so sad to say, but I literally call myself Casperette, the friendly midnight ghost, and other names of that nature, because due to my weight, due to my quiet nature, do to the fact that many don’t like me, I tend to try to be the best friend to others, but it’s never enough, and so, I probably have the worst demeanor when it comes to being attractive to guys…I have been beaten down by the world so much that even though I know God, I probably look haggard and depressed to others…when I am smiling inside, very thankful to be alive, and wanting experience more joy in my relationships with others…whether they be romantic relationships…which I’ve only had one…or friendships…Thank you for your post! I could go on and on about this…I will say that your suggestion of going after your passions hasn’t worked for me…lol..but it doesn’t mean that it’s not a wonderful suggestion. Take care, and God bless! :o)

    • ijustmetme

      I am so glad you posted this. I truly thank you for your transparency. Yes…it’s hard as it is…forget Valentine’s Day or attending a wedding. It’s even harder. I hear you about being “…told by older adults that I have qualities that are great” .
      I know you probably always think “well yea that’s great…if only a few of the people I would consider dating, actually saw that in me!

      The feeling that “no one sees” you is pretty deep. Sometimes it gets deep to the point where we give up on ourselves to try really hard to be “seen” “acknowledged” “validated”, and in the process, we lose ourselves.

      During the 2011 RCCG Young Adult convention in Houston, the speaker, Pastor James Sturdivant, said something that resonated with me. He said “you can only see what God has for you based on how you see yourself”.
      I don’t think this is entirely about your weight, or your quite nature. I think you have to let the “joy” in you come out. When you catch yourself looking “haggard and depressed” like you mentioned, SMILE. When you catch yourself going to that place in your head that tells you that you’re not good enough, look around you and FIND the reasons to believe otherwise.

      That said, I believe in practical application so:
      -If you feel uncomfortable with your weight and feel that whether you were in a relationship or not, it should be better than what it is now, then work to change it.
      -Get with your good friend(s) and ask them if there are some things you do maybe subconsciously, that make you unapproachable by people in general (NOT by men…fix the first and the other will be easier)
      -Don’t stop going after your passion(s). You may not see the direct correlation or benefit to “finding someone” now, but trust me….it’s one tool you want in the toolbox of your life. Plus, pursuing your passion is really not about finding someone. It’s about YOU and doing this things that put peace, joy, laughter and excitement into your life.
      -Don’t give up on JOY. Give it and keep giving it. The principles that guide life don’t reward good for evil or evil for good. What goes around WILL come around. SHOW MORE JOY and let everything positive inside you show on the outside too.
      -Lastly, I don’t think this response would be complete without this quote: “Sing like no one’s listening, love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like nobody’s watching, and live like its heaven on earth.”
      Thanks for reading and sharing.

  • Taiwo Durowade

    You struck a chord with “you get attention from the opposite sex” section. In addition, if one is not careful, one may start losing sight of the critical things you want in a husband/wife. It’s not just women/men who do not have someone who begin to see qualities where there are none, especially if the pressure is on to be with someone. Because of your numerous choices, you may begin to choose with your own understanding instead of depending on God’s wisdom and discernment. It is easy to get caught up in the hype of always having someone, it is important however to remember only one is designed for you and you cannot make the right choice without His insight. deeeeeeeeeep post btw

  • Tilda

    I agree being single can be difficult. But like with everything else, if you are a christian, you have the support of God. I have learnt to lean on my relationship with God always so that when mine comes I’ll be ready for the relationship and be the best wife he could ever have. A pastor made me understand this better by noting that before Adam met Eve. God spent time with Eve. As every year passes that I am still single, at times I thank for not being married yet. Every year, I realize how much I did not know about myself and who God made me to be. I want to be the best wife and ENJOY marriage (note the emphasis), and whatever it will take God to make that a certainty, I’ll bite the bullet and go through the pain.
    This is awesome B. Tobi!

  • Tolu Oyeniran

    Hmmm. . . This is an interesting article. It definitely hits the mark in terms of the reasons and pressures. I myself am torn in the arena of “being” with someone. It really is a good feeling to have someone you call your own. . . I toe the line of helpless romantic, and I just have all this love to give. . . lol. . . however I have come to learn how to be content with just being by MYSELF. . .in actuality I enjoy being by myself sometimes. . . . Just me and God. . . I have learned (still on going process) how to handle myself. . . from being by myself. . . I don’t think you can handle someone else if you do not have control of yourself. . . thats fundamental. . . but what scares me . . is making the wrong choice in choosing a life partner. . .this is someone you spend the rest of your LIFE with. It goes beyond just physical attraction. It is a destiny changing choice. I’d rather stay single and seek the face of God than rush into marriage. Which brings me to another thing. . . How many of us spend time seeking God’s face in this arena? I don’t just want anybody. . . I want my rib. . . Side rant. . .

    Another side rant. . . We often look outward at what we want in others. . . Rather than look inward in what we need to be. . . A day does not go by that I do not talk to God about this issue of marriage. . . But in recent months, I have began to pray that God will mold me to be the man that I need to be for my partner rather than focusing all my efforts in telling God what I want in a partner. Just a thought. . .

    Ah so much more to say. . . but i’ll stop. . . for now. . .

    Prayer and Patience. . . .

    • ijustmetme

      Great response! loved the part about enjoying being by yourself and the part about becoming the man you are supposed to be FOR your partner. That creates an environment and mindset of giving. Its vital that while we look for qualities in others we want, we MUST develop the qualities in ourselves, that we will add value to our partners with. Thanks for reading and sharing. Feel free to share the blog with friends

  • Oluwatosin

    I totally can relate to this! My best friend got married at the age of 24, and my precious mother wouldn’t stop comparing me to her! She reminds me of how old I am, and how desperate I should be…lol. She even tried to hook me up (if u r Nigerian, u will knw wht i’m talking abt…smh!). Like you rightly said, the right thing to do is to be occupied with meaningful stuffs. I’m presently in school, and I’m trying to write a book. I tell her (my mom) often that when the time comes, I’ll get married. And moreover, the bible says “he who finds a wife finds a good thing” not she who finds a husband…lol. I understand my mom’s concern perfectly, but i don’t think the comparison is necessary. My friend and I have different destines, and God’s plans for our lives are so not similar at all!

    Speaking of knowing the right source, God is the right source. God truly is the originator of “true” love (not love at first sight that most people are victim of today), and He will willingly grant you the grace to have it, if you know Him personally. If you read Songs of Solomon, it has just 8 chapters, you will fall in love if you’ve never been in love! The bible is complete, really. It has answers to every question that might be lingering in your heart. 1st Corinth 13:1-13 gives us a load-down of what true love is. The love we have nowadays is whitewashed if we don’t get what we desire from the one we claim to love. Hmmm…I’m writing too much, imma stop here before i get on someone’s last nerve! May God help us all.

    • ijustmetme

      Oluwatosin you are so right! Thanks for sharing!!!

  • Beautifully put together. I think most single Christians go through this path. But it’s only a path; you will soon walk through it. The danger is that there is always the temptation not to wait on the Lord and take things into ones hands. Like you said, marriage is for a higher purpose. We must keep that in mind and remember that the ways of the Lord is not usually our ways.

  • Shuttle-Friend

    Alright, what a digest!!! Love, love, love the post…..it’s a refreshing feeling to read about (from another’s vantage point) what one goes through in their personal life. I can so relate to this post, being that I’ve been “secretly” made the “President” of the singletons club by my married friends…but hey it really doesn’t bother me one bit, thanks to my ever ardent “non-conformist” nature of mine……….there I said it.

    Also, I’d just like to add that knowing what “isn’t right” for you helps being single (for the time being) a bit easier, eliminates all the trial and errors of trying to find/know which and who is right for you…..

  • sha

    “They say that relationships are like a city under siege. Those in it want to get out and those outside are trying to get in.”
    want it want it don’t get it …get it get it dont want it…

  • Kemi Animashaun

    I love this! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. One can bask in happiness and fulfillment while being single.

    Even God thought it was cool for Adam to be single for a while and be happy with it as he (Adam) got useful and busy tending the garden and naming the animals UNTIL Adam’s set time came to leave single-hood and God gave him Eve.

  • i love this piece and i couldn’t agree with you more. we are so afraid or society has made us afraid of being single. i am beginning to love my single life till i met someone who kind of messed up the happiness i was having. wasn’t totally a bad experience but i realised i could have continued my journey in finding joy on my own. i agree with all you said cos i have experienced the joy of being single and now am even more sure of it. as a believer, i hope to fulfill God’s purpose for my life .if it includes a companion, why not. But i am not scared of waiting cos His word has promised it and it will be worth my while.

  • just thinking aloud

    if only i had known this, ok it seems i’d always known this, but if and IF ONLY i had tully known this some 10 months ago…uhm. however i knw there is light, sunlight at the end of this tunnel.

  • Thanx a lot for this. I just read your article on bellanaija and i was warned i could get stuck and yeah i actually did get stuck here.

  • Bliss

    Haha. #dead! You killed me in the first paragraph. I didn’t see that coming. I was gawking like a drunken sailor.
    Bless your Dear heart Tobi 🙂

    • ijustmetme

      Awesome! thanks!

  • Ola

    “There is just something about someone that is doing something other than just existing for a 9-5″… this statement hit me hard lol. I am 24yrs old and I am really just starting my career in IT and i love my job but to be honest I do sometimes feel like I exist for just a 9-5 .

    How does one find that other thing to occupy them if nothing seems to come naturally?

    • ijustmetme

      Hello Ola,
      Great question…and I’m not sure that I know the answer but I do know this. There are very few things that are good for us, that come naturally or that we feel like doing. A person is lucky when they just know what drives them or what they are passionate about. That Ola, is rare. Most people that do great things and have great passion for something, either ACTED their way into passion, or got thrust (through necessity) into something that they later discovered the passion in.
      Think about working out and going to the gym, or dieting. For most people, at the beginning, there is no jolly feeling. Its pain, its time taken from something else, its soreness, and is a while of “no obvious results”. However, if kept up long enough, soreness disappears, habit sets in, results start to occur, passion develops. That’s an example of the first type….ACTING your way into passion.
      The other type is a situation where out of necessity, one is thrust into something they would never have thought of under normal circumstances. I know someone who is a skilled, passionate automotive technician now, who started tinkering with cars because he could not afford to pay mechanics for his car repairs and decided to try on his own as a novice. That was his only option. Trying became, interested, interested became, knowledge seeker, knowledge seeker became excellent and that became passionate.
      Ok so where does that leave you? Here are two questions to ask yourself:
      1. What are the thing that are necessary in my life that I don’t have now? –and then begin to try to solve /acquire those things/behaviors/ relationships
      2. What is one thing I am interested in..or enjoy doing..even casually, that I can increase my knowledge in e.g (I love fashion…hmm can I just for the sake of it, get knowledge as to how clothes are designed on paper and how that becomes reality and how that gets into the stores)
      Hope it helped!
      Tobi

  • Ola

    Thanks for the detailed reply Tobi. 🙂 and yes your reply is thought provoking and helpful. I guess we are all on this continuous soul searching and self discovery journey.

  • queen grace

    Great post!.I highly recommend myles muroe’s teaching on “THE MYTH OF SINGLENESS”.I am single, whole and blessed by God.

  • JOIY-Like-A-River

    Oooooohhhhhhkkkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyy…… Seriously, Mr Writer, this is not just rich, it’s wealthy! Personally, one question I ask myself when the urge to be with someone strikes is this: where is it leading? What happens if I or the other person meets and falls for and wants to marry someone else? Thinking about the pros and cons of being with someone ‘for the rest of your life’ compared to ‘for now’ might help you put or see things in perspective.
    I’ve never being in a relationship (waiting for the one my heart and spirit accept, and not just my body and emotions) and I don’t think I’m really missing out on anything serious. Abi what do you think, people?
    More grace, Monsieur Tobi, more grace! Encore!! Encore!!!!

    • ijustmetme

      Hello there! Glad you enjoyed it. Those are great questions to ask at the beginning of a relationship. I only caution that you should be careful not to allow FEAR to take the place of caution. You can be cautious to make sure that you are with the right person but you shouldn’t be afraid (especially at the beginning) that the person you are with may want to marry someone else or fall in love with someone else. That may be pointing so some unresolved issues you may need to work out with yourself. But like i said, great questions to ask.

      Love Love Love how youre looking for who your SPIRIT accepts not just your heart, bod and emotions. Awesome! Thanks for commenting!

  • Sim

    *sigh*
    I will be 25 in a few weeks and I recently broke up with my bf/fiance, everybody thought I was crazy, I mean, my friends are getting married left right and center and I’m here breaking up with a “great” guy??? Very few people got it, but I couldn’t go on anymore. I wasn’t “in it”, do you get? I just wasn’t there.
    Most people, particularly in our environment don’t “get” how a woman chooses to be single, even for a short period, I recently told a friend I broke up with my bf and didn’t want to get back in any relationship for a while, that I wanted to “find me”, she didn’t get it! LMHO. She said “didn’t you have enough time to find you all these years before you started dating” LOL. There was no way I could explain it, she just didn’t get it, she kept asking if there was someone else, in fact, she was sure there was someone else, I mean why would I leave a relationship that seemed to be going on perfectly and choose to stay single? Just unbelievable (to her).
    I didn’t have the energy to explain.
    I have since discovered that Lagos is not single-friendly, not at all. Events, eateries, lounges, beaches, restaurants even churches, very hostile to single people. Fortunately, i am one of those people who was born with an inbuilt “I-no-send” button, so I haven’t felt it that much, but I suspect one will get tired eventually.
    Hopefully, before I get tired, I would have met someone I would be “in there” with.:). I am in no hurry though, I need to savour this period, truly savour it. I’ve got the rest of my life to spend with other people (hubby, children) I need to enjoy this time, and that is exactly what I (am and) shall do!
    Thanks for this write up Tobi Atte.

    • ijustmetme

      Sim!
      You are my HERO! lol. You know, being single and being OK with it is one of the toughest things for many women to do. I am not surprised at all that your friend didnt get it but TRUST me….its one of the best decisions you have ever made. You see, when you get comfortable in your own skin as a single lady,and you actually enjoy it, then youll never settle. Because you wont want to give up a good thing for something thats not better. I am soo proud of you. If you even need any “Sim fan club” support, holla at me!

  • temi

    Sim, you just wrote exactly what I am going through…and I mean EXACTLY! Thanks, sure does help to know am not weird.
    Tobi, you are a great writer. I read one of your articles on bellanaija and decided to read through all you have on your blog. I have gained a lot of insights from all I have read so far, including your response to Sims. God bless you.

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  • Pim Rodriguez

    “It is very frustrating for a person who is getting attention from the opposite sex, to justify being single.”

    It IS frustrating. People think you’re this and that and think you’re such a catch that you have a bf… but you don’t. And when they find out the truth, they won’t believe you. Like it’s sorta “impossible” for you not to have someone.There comes a time when you question yourself too “Why don’t I have someone?”
    You “look” like someone who has… well, someone.

    Article/post above helped clarify, establish a few things 🙂 Thanks!