How to satisfy a Man

How do you satisfy a man? No really. Many women are really starting to get really frustrated about that question because they’ve been told that men are less complicated. Give him good food, good sex, don’t nag and you should have a happy man. They’ve been told that they themselves (women) are the ones that are more complicated.
Believe that, and you might have a man that sees home as the perfect corner eatery…where he can have his fill of stew and wild sex. He’ll like you. A lot. But he won’t be satisfied.
I never claim to know it all and not all these pointers will fit you, but understand them and you’ll certainly increase his level of satisfaction. FYI, if you haven’t already, you need to read the flip side “How to satisfy a Woman”. So here it is…

1)      Many times, Men are just as complicated and insecure (if not more) than women. Ok I said it. There it is. We are. Ladies, try to hold yourself back from turning this into an “I told you so” parade. Lol. It sounds cliché but it’s important you have this at the back of your mind and constantly remind yourself. They say that many women are very insecure about their bodies but we often forget that men are insecure about stuff too. Yes…their bodies, their lives, the responsibility of being the head of a home and the fear of not being able to do that well, the insecurity of reaching a point in life where they feel they are reaching mid life …and have no legacy to show for it, the insecurity of not being able to match up as a man based on society’s definition of a man…and so much more. Make no mistake. We often don’t have it all together. We don’t have a perfect plan, we are scared and we are just trying to do our best to make it. We are complicated.

2)      Understand his need to be understood: “You understand what I’m saying?” No. For real…do you understand what he is saying? Have you ever had an argument with your man…or a deep conversation and you notice that he is breaking it down step by step for you to understand? What about when you apologize about something you did and he says it’s ok but it’s still like he hasn’t let it go fully….yea this isn’t all the time but quite often, that reaction is because he still feels like you haven’t quite understood his point of view. You didn’t get the “reason”…the “rationale” behind what he said or did…you’re stuck at the junction of the emotional effect. For him, he subconsciously knows that even if he makes you feel better now, he has not really solved anything because you don’t understand the real underlying objective, practical, non-emotional issue. Only the manifestation your emotion has been resolved.(E.g: She is upset – She is crying – I have to resolve crying – Phew! Done – Crying resolved – Wait! Crap! – The real issue has not been resolved – Man brings up real issue – Woman says “you’re insensitive” can’t you see I’ve just been crying –Man goes back into shell that was difficult to come out of in the first place ) Here is a tip-For both men and women actually: When you are having an argument you are trying to resolve, literally say “If I understand your point of view correctly, what you are saying/feeling is that….is that correct?”, and watch how fast the walls come down. Your man needs to feel understood.

3)      Recognize and nurture the leader in him: Yes…it’s the 21st century and women are not slaves. They hold jobs just like men do and work just as many long hours. This is simple. If you feel that you have to always prove that you’re not a slave in the house, something deeper than the scope of this article is wrong with your relationship. Seek help. What I’m saying is that all things being fairly well, recognize it when he is trying to lead and encourage him to be a good leader. In fact, nurture that leadership. Remember that the best leaders depend on, elevate, develop, invest in, and recognize their followers.  In other words, the better a leader you help him to be, the more he will do the above listed for you. The mistake most women make is that they keep the gun cocked at all times so bullets can fly the moment they feel the man may be rising up to do what he naturally feels like he should do i.e Lead, in the name of not wanting to be anyone’s slave. Put the Gun down love…

4)      Sex is not a favor: It’s not something you’re “giving” him to reward him or taking away to punish him. Many women use sex as a power weapon and then are totally shocked when their men find it elsewhere. If you do that, you will breed a dog. You will get a good boy when he wants to have sex and you’ll get a housemate when it’s done. I recently heard something about the “pregnancy mask”. Apparently, some women use the pregnancy clause to mask the “sex power” issue. They have sex when they really want to and claim they are scared of getting pregnant when they want to punish the guy. If you are truly concerned about that, not to talk about the health hazards and the spiritual implications, my STRONG advice if you are not married is to pursue abstinence. Any good man will understand and encourage it.

5)      Listen to BIGGIE: Take this with a grain of salt.  Remember that song (I think its “Get Money”)…. that line “You can be as good as the best of them but as bad as the worst but don’t test me”. This is a tough one for women so men, be patient. Here it goes. In every woman, there is the damsel in distress…or the need to be her once in a while. Every woman wants to be rescued once in a while. Cinderella, Rapunzel, Ariel the little mermaid and many other share it. How does that relate to us now? Well, sometimes it’s emotionally too. Women sometimes (Even though they admit that they really don’t set out to do so…) do things or put themselves in those emotional mazes that requires them to be found, understood, taken care of, cradled, kissed understood, and forgiven again. Ask them why they did that and it’s a standard response “Honey I don’t know”. It’s like it seems to be that women have an insatiable desire to test the emotional limits of a man. Will he come rescue? How patient is he? How much does he really really love me? Ladies…fight that urge to “test” his love. If you both are in a committed relationship, there are already plenty of tests naturally built in.

6)      Oh thou score keeper: We are terrified of going into an argument with you ladies. Why? well one reason is that along the way, you seem to have this interesting ability to remember IN DETAIL all the scores of the last 4 arguments. It baffles most men how a woman can just recall an event or a conversation in detail during an argument and then the argument shifts from the current issue, to trying to defend/explain the past one or put it in the context that was meant back then. What most men do is to revert back to what is easiest. Outright avoidance. Nag needlessly about the dish washing schedule a hundred times and you’ll see a stack of Styrofoam plates in the kitchen tomorrow.

7)      Understand his imperfection in love: Every man…at least “good” man, is constantly trying to play superman. We’re supposed to lead, to know it all, to have a plan, to be the visionary that sets the example and forges the way for his family. Underneath all that, you have to remember that there are imperfections. Many that we are told we cannot show. We want to be able to admit things like being terrible at personal finances or being terrible at “working the room” at a party. The reason we don’t show a lot of that, is because we don’t want you to see us as less than the superman we are supposed to be…so we shove our chest out, don’t ask for help, tell you we just have a lot demanding our finances instead of admitting that we are terrible at personal finances, or say that we are bored at the party…rather than say that we’d rather just stay by ourselves because we are either a bit shy or even worse, a bit insecure because all the other dudes in the room seem to  be “bigger boys and have it all together”. You my dear sweetheart should try to know what those imperfections are and create an environment where he knows it’s ok for you to know about them, help him work through them to improve…and that he is not less of a man because of that.

8)      Fill in the GAP: In other words, help work out the details. Most men are not able to pay attention to the vision and the details at the same time. Most women say they want a man with a vision but they don’t realize that they…the woman have a role to play….to help fill in the details. Your man confides in you that he wants to be a record producer for example, and you get excited at the “thought” of having a music producer man but stand back and wait for him to “accomplish” “HIS” goal…as if it’s not “OUR” goal. Go ahead and sit back, and watch him grope in the dark for creativity and outlets, and see how fast your relationship starts to look like the Titanic after it hit the iceberg. Get up, help fill the gap…look for articles about being a music producer and forward to him. Gone past that? Suggest a live show you heard about where new talents come to perform. Be his “manager”. Find outlets for him to improve the skills that will take him there. Bring him from Cloud nine back into the engine room of the space shuttle that will take him to the fulfillment of his vision. The woman that can identify, improve, and help blossom the vision of her man becomes almost indispensable.

9)      When a man finds a wife….: Ladies, the Bible tells him that when he finds you, he has found a good thing and has obtained favor from God. Step back for a sec….no really. Step back and look at the relationship from the outside looking in. Does it look like his life is obtaining favor because you are in it? Does it look like you make things easy for him in general? Is he more connected to God now…working on identifying or pursuing his purpose? Or does he look like he is more stressed out, inadequate and unsure of himself? If the answer to the later is YES, then well, c’mon sweet pea…lets dust off the makeup and get cracking at getting this man hooked on you.

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  • Ibilola

    Loved it!!!! Funny, insightful, and informative…as always.

    Thanks for sharing those words of wisdom. Look forward to testing and applying them.

    • ijustmetme

      Thanks! I’m glad! Let me know how it goes!

  • Sex is not a Favour.

    Unfortunately many girls still think of it as such. “lemme just do it so he wont feel bad, afterall he has done this and this and this for me”

    Good post. All the points are valid.

  • Lolita

    I really like your article. I appreciate the ways in which you talked about the fact that men are not as simple as society wants us to believe that men are. I really hate it when people like Steve Harvey tries to tell us that men are simple minded and that women can manipulate them through sex. I appreciate the fact that you made it clear that men are complicated and insecure. You made a good point on this regarding men’s insecurity and their need for fully embrace their emotional self. I think society teaches both men and women that men have to be strong all the time and that they know themselves better that women and that they didn’t struggle with similar insecurities that women struggle with. The sad thing is that many women believe this and when they get into relationship with guys….they are not sure how to handle their guy’s insecurities and the guys don’t know how to deal with this either. I haven’t read this book yet…but I heard about it on CNN – Man Up: Cracking the Code of Modern Manhood by Carlos Andres Gomez…it related what you’re talking about regarding the pain and insecurities that men battle with everyday. You should get it out. You gave good advices especially speaking from the perspective of a man regarding how men are in relationship. This is great…we need more not Steve Harvey’s ways of how women can manipulate men.
    Thanks for sharing.

  • Love this article! Picked up a lot of points from it and found myself nodding and evaluating my last relationship based on your yardstick 🙂 well done!!

  • anonymous :)

    I love love love this! Half way through I forwarded it to twitter asking people to read! Very insightful! Happy Married life too!

    • ijustmetme

      LOL! Awesome!

  • Anoni

    I need to talk to someone…

  • Amanda

    awesome write up! i could definitely identify with one or two things. keep up the good work guys and God bless!

  • funny, interesting…….. but sometimes even at doing this things to satisfy the man, you tend to feel as a woman a little withdrawn. i have read your article on the flip side, and i must confess it was quite insightful to men. men sometimes often dont have the patience and time to understand us.

  • remileks

    100percent correct! Especially the point on the need to be understood.

  • Mosi

    I need help before I loose it all. I’ve talked and I am tired of talking I can’t seem to tell what went wrong but all of a sudden he changed ,though he has this office stress he has been passing thru. I’ve asked,pleaded but its just like all Ive said has fallen on deaf ears.i am a very supportive gf and I am understanding too. I practically do almost all the positive things u say in the article. I am a one man at a time person am sure that makes me emotional. I practically now have to fight for my relationship but am gradually loosing strength and reasons to do so …. Am scared what if I wake up some day and my relationship is gone?i am willing to make it work but he always say I get worried easily and am paranoid but what if am not?

    • ijustmetme

      Mosi,
      I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. It’s interesting that that you mentioned that there was a “sudden” change. What happened around the time of the sudden change? And if you are indeed doing all these great things in the relationship and there are no results, don’t blame yourself. I am glad you are sticking it through to fight for your relationship but a relationship that lasts cannot be one directional.
      Are you married? If you are, seek additional counseling to help work it out asap. If you are not married, my advice is to have an honest conversation about your relationship and what you want out of it.
      You also said something quite revealing “what if I wake up and my relationship is gone?”. Mosi..i have to be honest with you. You need to ask yourself if you are fighting for this relationship so you can stay in “A” relationship and not be alone, OR if you are fighting for HIM as a person…because those are two different things. Yes…what if you wake up and this relationship is gone? Only you can answer that question. I don’t know him and I don’t have the whole story or even his side of the story but what I do know is that you know what you are fighting for and this you are not defined by that relationship…especially if you are not married and especially if you are unhappy. Read this series (part 1-3) It may help …
      Part 1: http://ijustmetme.com/2012/07/i-know-but-that%E2%80%99s-not-enough-part-1/
      Part 2: http://ijustmetme.com/2012/08/i-knowbut-thats-not-enough-part-2/
      Part 3: http://ijustmetme.com/2012/08/i-know-but-thats-not-enough-part-3/
      A reader’s thoughts: http://ijustmetme.com/2012/09/i-know-but-thats-not-enough-a-readers-thoughts/

  • Mosi

    Thank you for replying me. Its like am single but in a relationship. I ve never been lucky in rships. when I started dating my bf, I was confident that maybe cos he has passed through a lot like me, he would treat me better.not that he is not trying but all of a sudden like the speed of light he changed. last time he called was last week Friday and since then ive been the one calling. I don’t bother cos I am a call freak but he blames all this on work stress. work can be stressful we all know… but it is supposed to be WE against the world not categorizing me with the world. I hate to be a nag cos I am a blunt person. I say it as it is and I hate having to repeat mysef …..I ve had honest conversation on phone, sent mails and stuff. pleaded… reminded how we started, and all those tricks that makes a guy feel sorry yet no change, I am in it because I really love dis person…….I used to believe he loves me but am starting to believe just maybe I am over assuming…what should I do? Should I just pull out or fight harder or give him a break. because if I keep talking I might turn to a nag or if am getting paranoid, I might even make him go tired of me. What if he is actually tired?

    • ijustmetme

      Mosi
      You need to ask yourself. “what do I deserve?” if you deserve to be treated the way you are being treated, great. If not, then, well that’s up to you. Work is stressful but think about it. if we all respond to stress the way he has been responding to stress (if stress is really the cause of the “sudden” behavior , then why should anyone be in a relationship with anyone who is employed?
      You also need to ask yourself “ what image am I projecting by nagging, constantly in fear of the relationship ending, and being the only cone communicating? Am I projecting a strong woman or am I projecting the opposite?
      By constantly nagging about him not being the best BF, am I giving him more reason to come back or am I actually pushing him away?
      Does this man really love/care for me or am I hoping that he does and wanting to earn his love?
      Have I actually gotten to the bottom of WHY he “suddenly” started acting this way, or am I just agreeing with the “work excuse” because I don’t want to deal with what the real issue(s) is …I just want him to show me love.
      If he doesn’t want to be with me….am I doing good to myself by MAKING him want to be with me…or am I looking for more emotional trouble?
      Hope this helps
      T