Don’t Pre-Qualify your lead – Pt 2 (The effects on you and the other person)

Quote - Instagram -IMG_20140603_090744So last week, I published Don’t Pre-Qualify your lead. Pt 1… A good read for everyone but a MUST READ for singles.  If you have not read it, I suggest you do before you continue because while you will get a lot from this post, I have purposefully written this particular post as a continuation piece so I promise that you will get even more from it if you just stop right now, right here, click the link and start by reading Part 1 first.(Don’t worry it opens in a separate window so you can come back to this.)

CLICK HERE TO READ PART 1 FIRST  and then jump back to this.

If you have already read Part 1, carry on.

So…remember this part from Part 1?

“If you are a lady, think about the last 10 guys that showed an interest in you, but you were not interested in. Did they walk away from that situation with their dignity intact? Or did you make the situation awkward for them? Did you use them to pump yourself up with your girlfriend as you flashed her the “please save me from Godzilla” look? Did they walk away kind of embarrassed? Did they walk away saying wow “I’ll never do that again” Or did they walk away feeling like “wow the world is full of great…classy women?

If you are a guy, think about the last 5 ladies that you have shown interest in (but didn’t have an interest in you) or who have shown interest in you (but you had no interest in) and ask yourself those same questions…

You may not have realized it until now but you may be “that girl” or “that guy” that tears down people because you think they are a bother to your “royal eminence” simply because they were not your type or they didn’t “meet your standards”.

Below are some of the specific effects that being “that guy” or “that girl” can have on you and the other person.

1) Sure you many not end up dating/marrying that person, but you have contributed to who they become for someone else. You have affected their sense of self and certainly their opinion of the opposite sex that they WILL take into their relationship/marriage. You have either changed an existing opinion for the good or bad or you have introduced a new opinion for the good or bad.

On May 23rd 2014, Elliot Rodger killed 7 people (and injured several others) on his self-proclaimed “day of retribution.” What was he dishing out retribution for? In one word…REJECTION

Just before he went on this killing spree, he released a video. That video is at the bottom of this article.
Keep reading

What he did was flat out twisted and he was a sick person… but the transcripts of his last video journal before he went on his killing spree,  is worth mentioning as life lessons about what we are talking about.

He said things like:

“…They would have all rejected me and looked down upon me as an inferior man if I ever made a sexual advance towards them, while they throw themselves at these obnoxious brutes.” (He was speaking of girls he desired but could not “get”)

“All those popular kids who live such lives of hedonistic pleasure while I’ve had to rot in loneliness for all these years, they’ve all looked down upon me every time I’ve tried to go out and join them. All treated me like a mouse. Well now I will be a god compared to you”

“All you popular kids. You’ve never accepted me. And now you’ll all pay for it…”

“I’ve waited a long time for this. I’ll give you exactly what you deserve. All of you. All you girls who rejected me and looked down upon me, and, you know, treated me like scum while you gave yourselves to other men.”

Sure the guys and girls you come across in your life that don’t make your “cut” for marriage/dating material may not go on an evil killing spree, but don’t get it twisted, how you handle them matters. You leave an effect. Make it a positive one.

Elliot Rodger was sick. A deeply troubled individual but to put this “rejection issue” in context, he wasn’t poor. In fact, quite the opposite. His dad was the producer of the Hunger Games movie. He came from a wealthy home and had access to the “Hollywood Glam” and by average accounts he was at least a good looking guy. He should not have “rejection” issues right????? Wrong.

You’ve heard it before…

Hurt people Hurt people.

2) If people hear that they are not good enough often enough, they start to believe it.  Tweet: If people hear that they are not good enough often enough, they start to believe it. @ijustmetme
So they settle for anyone who would “just” accept them. Think about that for a second. If you contribute to someone feeling that they are not good enough and that they are less, at some point they start to believe it and begin to lower their standards for love…looking for who will “just” accept them…leading them into the arms of people who may abuse them, take them for granted, and treat them like love is a favor.

This applies to the body of Christ as well. Oh yea. So your “royal holiness” was approached by that guy that sits in the fifth row that is not good enough, rich enough, spiritual enough and doesn’t fit your list? Do you use him to prop yourself up in the eyes of others in the church? Do you treat him with disrespect and lack of courtesy simply because you are not interested at all, or do you help him understand with courtesy and discretion that you are not interested? Knowing that your sister in church may find him perfect for HER list? Or does he come back to church next Sunday and wonder why all the ladies are looking at him funny (because you told Stacey and she told Kemi, who then told Bridgette, who couldn’t keep it away from the entire choir)

As men too, how do you react when a woman you are interesed in, is not interested in you at church? Are you mature about it, going back to God and asking for clearer directions and still treating her with courtesy and respect next Sunday (funny how that might actually turn her around) OR is your fragile ego so bruised that you feel you have to ignore her, or disrespect her just to get back at her?

This is how we tear each other down in the body of Christ as young adults and singles. Then we wonder why people are going outside the church to look for love.

3) When you keep meeting people that you pre-qualify and evaluate only based on whether you can date/marry them, you gradually become less capable of forming healthy platonic relationships.

Stop and think about that

If everyone you meet is evaluated based on their “date-ability” or marriage potential, then you won’t have a lot of people in your life that can add value on a platonic level, and that attitude becomes your default behavior, which then makes it even more difficult to find someone who will give YOU (Yes YOU) a chance without judging YOU prematurely.

You’ll chase good people away from your life who may not be the right spouse but are great additions to your life.

That’s when you start to hear yourself say things like “there are no good men out there” or “Women don’t go for good men”

4) You objectify yourself even before anyone else does: This is soooo important…for BOTH ladies and men. Ladies…when you start to hear yourself say things like “Men ONLY want one thing from me/women”, “Men ONLY want to sleep with me” OR Men…when you start to hear yourself say that “Women ONLY want you for your money” , you have begun to objectify yourself.

Meaning that you have made yourself nothing but “that” thing. Even before the next man has approached you, you have objectified yourself as a sex object. Even before the next great lady comes in your life, you objectify yourself as nothing but a bank account.

So relax. Don’t Pre-Qualify your lead.

You’ll have a more fulfilling life…and feel much less pressure about being single if you allow yourself to just meet great people who you respect and who respect you back. People who you add value to whether you are going to date/marry them or not, and people who do the same for you. You’ll increase your self-worth and you’ll increase your perceived worth as well.

Leave your comments, questions and experiences below. Someone might learn from them.

Have you watched the videos on my YouTube channel? Take a look HERE

Here is the video made by Elliot Rodger about his day of final retribution just before he went on his killing rampage. WARNING. It will shock you. It is sick and disturbing. He was not well. Some of you may have some great life insights or questions about this. Feel free to come back to the comments section to add yours.

Also note that YouTube has been taking down copies of this video so by the time you are clicking on the video below, it may have been taken down. If that is the case, just do an internet or YouTube search for his name.


  • Seun

    Very insightful…number 3 especially, it kind of helps take the pressure off. We should be kind to everyone and seek to be led by God.

  • Serendipity

    I totally agree with this post and whilst they are truths that I have known for a while, I may not always have acted on them. It took reading the first and second part of this post to make the connection and make the choice to act better. Sometimes, we know things and don’t do them or we tend to forget them when they aren’t convenient, like when he is an ‘unlikely’. I tend not to mind the platonic friendships and building him for someone else with ‘ex likely’s’ but it’s a more difficult journey for someone I do not find attractive at all, especially the one that won’t take the subtle hints and let me be and now I see how ‘self seeking’ that really is. I’m learning now to walk the talk. Thank you!

  • Susan

    Hmmm….i actually have a two situations that come to mind and honestly wasn’t happy with my actions. I’ve always wondered if I should go and apologise to them. What do you think Tobi?

    • Hello Susan,
      It takes such maturity to come to where you are to want to apologize. If you can bring yourself to do so, do it. It will help the good men to be better and help rebuilt shattered confidences that women dont see in men. However, be very careful not to come across as “looking for a something” from these men if you are not looking. so be clear about the nature of the conversation, be direct in the apology and simply let them them know that you felt you may have been a bit rude to them, give one or two reasons why women do that, and keep it moving…You’ll feel great about it

  • Very insightful. Thanks for taking time out to share on this subject.

  • Absolutely Karen, I think we are actually saying the same thing. If we treat each other like siblings with brotherly/sisterly love, we will be courteous to one another. so it applies to both men and women

  • Terell Cobb

    Extremely Insightful!!! Sending this over to all of my female relatives and friends. Thank You.

  • Amy

    This has been so insightful, these are truths which I have known for a while and I always admonished myself to act in line with them. Often times I get hurt by a lead I did not pre qualify and the next lead bears the brunt… yea Tobi I totally agree with the saying “Hurt people hurt people”. Thanks a lot for this I’m still working on myself. if I were to rate myself I’d say i’m between 5.5 and 6 so I still got work to do. The holy spirit has been convicting me on this and thanks for sharing this.

  • Florence Muchami Ephraim

    Thanks for this post, no. 3 stood out for me!

  • Nellie

    One thing I would like to point out–although there is truth in this, the one thing that is glaring as an incomplete truth is the video reference. There was a whole lot more going on with Elliot Rodger than the fact that his “ideal woman” did not respond to him. That is extreme, and the collective suggestion that the women did this to him is not realistic. The man obviously was not walking in the light, although I understand what point you are trying to make. It is a sad observation that Christian women treat any man ill, and the reality is we’re all at fault for this and guilty of not only this, but of the very blood of Christ. Extreme-ism doesn’t help to drive the point home, but does help to generate comments and also criticism. Otherwise, very good, and beneficial, information.

    • Thanks for sharing Nellie. I totally respect your opinion

  • Sheila

    Wow.Thanks alot for the insightful information.Clearly,I have to die to self-literally!!!!

  • wendy waswallah

    I have read and I feel motivated and encouraged coz I used to look down upon myself coz I was single but I have a problem I seem to fall for the looks then the rest follow so you think this will change? what do I do?

  • Mims

    Tobi, I have a statement plus concern. I feel and have experienced a traumatic blow to my heart by African American men, esp in southern Cal. It seems that the majority if AA men here are ONLY looking for white/multiracial women to date/marry. It seems that AA men have deemed ‘us’ unworthy of dating/marriage. I see the tabloids, articles, news and even our own AA men demeaning us (AA women) to outside races! And they wonder why we are angry or turn to ‘other race’ men? Well bros do it all the time! Why can’t our bros treat/respect /do for us what they do for these other race women?! You guys move up the ladder, what do you go get..? A white women or other. I also feel that with bros doing this, it makes them feel superior to us, like showing us that they are too good for us now. But also, they don’t get the other reason, that white america is trying to wipe out the REAL Afr American race alltogether, and their helping us do it by impregnating our minds with media that ‘white, light or exotic’ skin is better. Black men are falling for these racist tactics!

    • Hi there,
      Thank you for sharing that. It is a real issue in the African American community and this comment reply wont be able enough to address it but here a couple of thoughts. As you know, I am going to tell it as objectively as I can not to offend but to shed some light.
      1.A lot of AA still have a sense of entitlement because of what they suffered. The feeling is justified but I think it can be very inhibiting. Black men (same as black women) don’t owe black women their choice. As they move up, they simply have more options.
      2.Sure..bolack men are marrying white women but white men are marrying black women as well
      3.A lot of black men who are moving are saying that the “sisters” wanted nothing to do with them “on the way up” but want them once they make it.
      So there are loads of issues/perspectives. These are just a few and I certainly don’t claim to be an expert on the subject . Hope this helped though

  • Wow!
    Thanks for sharing that. Yes..perhaps a mindset is needed. Also , remember, sometimes we compare ourselves to other and aspire to be like them when we ought to be paying attention to the people who are trying to be like US and who wish they had what we have!

  • Sweetpraises

    Did you follow through from your part 1 article about how to tell someone I am not interested in him in a respectful and courteous manner or without being rude and insensitive? It isn’t clear in this article.

  • Sara Beth Fachetti

    Hi – you mentioned on Part I that you would provide examples of how to decline someone’s interest in you without hurting their dignity or sense of worth or disrespecting them, but I don’t see that here. Is that in another blog post? I would really enjoy reading it. Thank you.

  • Jen Smith

    This is a very important truth you have shared, Tobi. Our world needs more civility rather than beating each other down in all areas of life. No need to shame each other for trying to make friends, let alone approach someone with romantic interest. I have been shamed badly by some Christians in this area, be they men who freaked out when they knew of my interest, or “advisors” — largely those who married young because they found their desired match early on.

    Dating, flirting, etc, is awkward, period. Someone’s approach may not be polished and charming, but I have reminded myself that if a guy approaches me, it takes courage. That’s honorable IMO, if he’s not pushy or skanky. It’s flattering to have someone make the effort. I’ve been the one turned down, sometimes in very hurtful ways. So, I relate to both sides.

    In some of my comment here, I speak only from the female perspective. It’s what I feel like I know best. I realize that women are messed up in the dating scene, too.

    It also takes courage to open one’s self up as a female in a world in which many men feel entitled to prey upon us. And that is even in the church. It doesn’t have to be the creepy stalker or the skanky guy. It can be the clean-cut, church-doer guy who flirts with a woman long enough to get her attention. When he finds her receptive, he shuts her off and moves on to the next ego boost — er, woman. It happened to me so often that I began to think that was legitimate flirting and caught myself doing it. It sort of infected me.

    Not all who flirt are like that of course. Flirting has a purpose.

    When I was in my 20s, I remember one guy who I wasn’t so nice to. We had been out once. When he asked for a second date, I said, “I don’t think so” and turned away kind of coldly. He wasn’t a bad guy. It was just that on our one time out, I didn’t find myself becoming interested in him more than physically.

    As a 50+, never been married woman, I find dating harder. Not simply because there are fewer opportunities, but Christian men aren’t interested. Not that they ever were in great numbers in the past. Lol.

    As you hint at in the article, going outside the church is not unheard of. I am approached by men outside the church, sometimes without trying. Contry to the “us vs them” stereotypes, they’re not all about getting sex and saying, “Buh-bye!”

    And contrary to the magic formula offerered by some, focusing on believers doesn’t mean that I will be respected and not pressured for some level.

    • Truespittre

      I am guilty as well. I have had a struggle with women ever since I started trying to date. Even though I do get dates here and there they are all because of the women who approached me. I don’t mind this and find them to be great people but I have never been able to reach a higher level with anyone that I approach because I apparently I’m not good enough. This has had a profound effect on my confidence and the way I look at and treat women as a whole. I have found myself guilty of objectifying myself as well as others. A little background on myself, I’m tall and slender and I’m athletic. My only problem is the fact that I am not from the streets, I dress normal and refuse to spend more than a certain amount on a regular pair of shoes, my language is clear and concise, and I don’t look thuggish. The rejection resulting from this has caused me to seek women from other races. I have found that women from other races love me as well and treat me like the man I know I can be.