9 reasons (you may not know) why Christian single ladies can’t find their Boaz, David or Joseph

I’ve gotten a lot of one-on-one questions about this from BOTH MEN AND WOMEN and I figured it was time to write about it. Before I write another line though, it’s important that I say a few things and get some things out of the way.

A. This article is mainly for mature Christian single women. Mature. Christian. Women. Why? Because Girls might get offended or not understand but a mature Christian woman will probably get it and take the knowledge.

Waiting

B. A woman’s relationship status does not define her, so being single is not a disease or an indication of something “wrong” with her. So this article is not to list a bunch of reasons why you are at fault for not being married …as if marriage was something you just bought at the store. I wouldn’t do that. I respect and care about women’s issues more than there is space to write about here. As a daughter of God, he is working out your story beautifully, so bask in that. This is however, for Christian ladies who are ready for marriage but frustrated that they can’t find the right guy even though there seems to be options.

C. I write this respectfully but I will write it as honestly as possible as a man and as someone who knows a thing or two about relationships. I’ll tell you probably like no one has told you before. So the tone may be a bit direct not because I am brash but because I am writing to Women not girls and one thing I know about women is that contrary to the opinion that they want you to beat around the bush, when it comes to things that are really important, they want you to tell them like it is. They would rather know now, shed a tear or two and start working ASAP to move out, move up, move on or move forward so they don’t waste more time doing the same thing and not getting the outcomes they want.

D. All your single girlfriends AND male friends should read this.

FYI-At the end of this article, look for the hard hitting flip side to the men (11 Reasons you may not know why men cant find their Ruth, Esther or Mary)

Ok so here we go.  Why can’t our wonderful Christian sisters find their Boaz, David or Joseph?

1. Many Christian ladies want a man that “knows where he is going”… but God’s men usually don’t have a clue:  Think about that for a moment. Think through the Bible…all the great men that had relationships with God and who he used and blessed….they usually didn’t have a clue about where they were going and (here is the even crazier part) even if they had a clue, their lives for a long time did not reflect that great place God said he was taking them. Just think about it. All the way from Abraham …going to a land he did not know; Joseph having a dream that people would bow down to him but became a slave and then a prisoner; David who was anointed to be King and then lived the next 15 years in the wilderness as a fugitive; Peter the great fisher of men who was barely able to catch fish.

These men would have had a rough time finding a wife today. Could you imagine?

Abraham calling sister Sarah aside after church and saying “Errrmmm Sarah you know I love you right? Soooo God wants to take us somewhere …but I have no idea where. Wanna marry me and come?”

David too. “Look baby…I really care about you and want to spend the rest of my life taking care of you… In fact, I’ve just been anointed King…buuutttt I’m kinda living in the bushes right now and on the run from the King I’m supposed to replace.”

Or Joseph. “Look Jill, God has shown me many dreams that people will bow down to me and I’ll be a great leader. But right now I wash dishes in Potiphar’s house and I’m a slave boy there”

God’s men don’t “always” have a direction or know the details. So stop looking for men who have it all figured out!

Here is the solution though…..here is the good news. Here is what you SHOULD be looking for:  Men who can be LED by God. (Rom 8:14) Don’t look for a man who already has the best laid plans. Look for one who knows how to follow directions from the best planner.

The Boaz, David or Joseph kind of man may not know exactly where he is going but he knows how to follow God.

2. Many ladies approach relationships from the perspective of “Low Risk, High Reward”: Meaning, they want to get the absolute best man with the least amount of risk. (And I’m not just talking about finances here)They don’t want to put themselves out there at all.

They want the man to take ALL the risks…to be utterly convinced he wants to be with them before they open up about who they really are. You know who you are…You act like YOU are the ONLY prize in the equation. He doesn’t know anything about your background but you turned into a private investigator to make sure he is good enough for you. You are financially irresponsible and an impulsive spender, you’re spending insane percentages of your income on your hair, shoes, bags, and your “package” but you want a man who knows how to make and keep money. You have not grown your faith or prayer life to where it needs to be but you want a demon chasing, tongue speaking, Bible spitting warrior of a husband…because “he is the leader of the home”.

You’ve dated a bunch of losers that didn’t work out but he is no good because he has had several failed relationships too? You want to see him as he is but you cover yourself up in perfectly filtered Instagram pictures, hair extensions, push up bras, makeup and layers of stuff that make it impossible to see who you really are. You are lazy with not much follow-through but you want a man who can stay up all night working on a project. If he put that spotlight on you, would YOU make the cut?

In essence, many Christian ladies say they have faith but they don’t. They say that God is their source but they are lying. They say that they trust God’s will for their future but they are lying. They don’t. They put their trust in a man. What kind of job he has/can get. How much he is making or can make. They want to make sure he has the “ability to provide”. They want him to have his life utterly figured out…

But I have met many great men who haven’t found the employment they have the potential to get. I have met many others who were living it up until the economy crashed.  I have met some who had it all but God insisted they give it up to go and further the gospel.

If you want a Boaz, David or Joseph, you’re going to have to be ok not having everything perfectly figured out

3. Many ladies forget that good Christian men look for women who share similar non-romantic, non-spiritual values: Sure he should be romantic and sure he must share those spiritual values but eerrmmm ladies…these Christian brothers are looking for those other character traits as well that speak to the OPERATION of your possible lives together. Dependability, thriftiness, work ethic, time management, hard work, follow-through and so on.

One of the first things we learn about Ruth for example, was her work ethic. ( Ruth chapter 2). She knew how to pull her hair back, forget about her nails, roll up her sleeves and get on the grind. She worked really hard and even when she got the attention of the “well established guy with the sensitive heart” she didn’t stop working. She took the break that he offered her and went back to work.

That’s how you earn a man’s respect…when you can show him that what he HAS does not define who you are.

Here is the icing on that cake. Just because Ruth could get down and work, didn’t mean she couldn’t look pretty and tidy up (Ruth 3:3)

The Boaz, David or Joseph kind of man knows it takes a lot more than butterflies and date nights to fulfill God’s mandate for his family.

4. Many ladies pre-qualify their leads: This is one of the most CRITICAL reasons. In fact, there is a powerful 2 part series on just that HERE: http://ijustmetme.com/2014/05/dont-pre-qualify-your-lead/

The Boaz, David or Joseph kind of man …spends a long time NOT looking like the Boaz, David or Joseph the world will eventually come to know.

5. Good Christian men know their worth too and don’t want to settle either: Yea ladies…men are understanding their worth a bit more too.Christian men are getting more and more comfortable attending relationship seminars and getting information about seeking God’s face for a wife. They are realizing how powerful of an impact a wife has on the outcome of their lives and ministry, and they are spending more time trying to see what is beneath the surface. They know that a woman can make or break everything. They realize that a woman’s desires can accelerate him towards purpose or derail him.

They are praying more and they are realizing that while you still remain a prize, they too are precious in God’s eyes and want to do right by him. They are realizing that a wife can make or break a man.

Yes they are praying for a Ruth but they are also praying against Delilah as well.

The Boaz, David or Joseph kind of man knows his worth too.

6. Many Christian ladies have no testimony with men: A few years ago, an older friend (a number of years older than me) came up to me after a church program and asked me about a lady in my church. Who she was and what she was like as a person.

I didn’t stop talking for minutes. They were married about a year later.

Same thing happened to Ruth. (Ruth Chapter 2 from Vs 3) Boaz came back from a trip, saw Ruth and asked his Foreman “Who is that and who does she belong to”, to which the foreman answered and gave a fantastic testimony of her character. (See Boaz’s response in Vs 11)

Here is a secret ladies, you know how you like a guy and try to keep it to yourself until your girlfriends force a confession out of you? We guys don’t do that. The moment we think we are interested in you, we are telling someone and we are asking around about you….and we are asking our MALE friends/mentors. Because we know they will tell us like it is and of course won’t spread it all around church and make things suddenly awkward or cause all the sisters to start giving the dirty eye next Sunday. Bro code.

The truth is that even Christian ladies can be toxic sometimes when it comes to how they treat men who they don’t consider a prospect. You forget that when the real prospect comes and is interested in you, he will ask other men…some who may never have approached you but who have watched you from afar, and yes some who may have had an interest in you but you didn’t like. How did you handle those situations? (You totally need to read that article link above…especially the 2nd part of that series)

The Boaz, David or Joseph kind of man looks deeper than the surface beauty. They look for testimonies of the woman’s character

7. Many Christian women want a Proverbs 31 Man: That’s not a typo. Pick up your Bible and read Proverbs 31 again with fresh eyes… from the perspective of the character of that woman…and you will see that those qualities are the ones that many women are looking for in a man when they should be busy developing those qualities themselves.

Single Christian men are reading that passage looking for those qualities in a woman, and women are putting that passage down and instead looking for those qualities in a man.

The Boaz, David or Joseph Kind of man has read Proverbs 31 and wants her.

8. Many Christian ladies want to be married but they are not truly ready to be led: They want to marry a boyfriend but not a husband. They want only a partner but not a leader. They want an emotional prenup that things will always be 50:50. They say they will concede authority to God himself but in their heart, they are not willing to be led by his representative in the home. What I am about to say next I say with the utmost respect to women.

Men were created to lead at home. Now, with that leadership comes accountability to God meaning that God holds him accountable and will punish him first for bad leadership. But a man cannot be accountable for a woman he can’t lead….and a Christian man does not want to be over anything he can’t be accountable to God about.

The Boaz, David or Joseph kind of man is a great servant leader like Jesus Christ…but he is a born leader and he knows it

9. Many young married Christian women are painting a fairytale picture of marriage to their single ladies

Many young married women are doing a major disservice to single women. These young married women create a fairytale picture of weddings and marriage to their single friends. They love being the center of attention and talk up how dreamy it is. Perfect Instagram photos, perfect wedding photos, expensive glamorous weddings, perfect Facebook updates, photos and so on. Is there anything wrong with that? No. It would just help a lot more when married young women keep it real with their sisters and tell them that the wedding day does not make the marriage. It would help a whole lot more if they sit their single friends down and talk about the importance of a praying wife, a strong wife, a submissive wife (to a Godly man)  and how contrary to popular opinion, the faith of a wife is both a weapon for the family and its defense as well. Instead, they get their single sisters all dreamy eyed and waiting for a perfect story and a perfect man…waiting for KalEl from planet Krypton with the big “S” on his chest and a red cape, when they should look at Clark Kent from Planet earth.

The Boaz, David or Joseph kind of man knows that the wedding is not the marriage and doesn’t want to create an impression he can’t maintain.

Sisters, God has a beautiful story of love written for you. Am I saying settle? No way. But I am saying look at these men through the eyes of Christ. Get your pride out of the way. Don’t define your marital success by how well your wedding day or “lifestyle” stacks up with other women.  Most importantly, start seeing yourself as a true (not just perceived) gift from God that can bring God’s favor and blessings into your husband’s life because that’s what you are. So work to BECOME that and I truly truly wish you a love-filled, Christ-centered happy marriage when it does happen.

THE FLIP SIDE – Now…this isn’t just a “Woman” thing. Men have so many issues to resolve as well before we get our bone of bone that we whine that we cant find. Careful…only for the mature man. Here it is: 11 REASONS (YOU MAY NOT KNOW) WHY SINGLE CHRISTIAN MEN CANT FIND THEIR RUTH, ESTHER OR MARY

So…start/join the conversation below. Which one of the points resonated with you? Was it an eye opener? Were there any surprises on the list? Any additional thoughts? Share those comments below.

Two more IMPORTANT things:

1.Don’t leave without getting your FREE copy of my eBook (while its still free): HOW TO MAKE SURE YOUR VALUES ARE ALIGNED: A Guide To Avoiding Relationship Frustration. (Click on image below!)

2.Don’t forget to check out that article series about pre-qualifying your leads: http://ijustmetme.com/2014/05/dont-pre-qualify-your-lead/

 

How to make sure your values are aligned - 3D #2

GET YOUR FREE COPY (While Its still free!)

 

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  • Oyin

    I really enjoyed reading this article. I think it perfectly captured all the things single women and men need to be thinking about as they prepare for marriage. Points 6-9 really resonated with me, but especially point 9. Unfortunately, the social media hype has driven many people to portray a perfect picture of their marriages/relationships as Tobi noted. However, many do not share the true challenges that they face causing women, in particular, to be disillusioned about the perfect “wedding,” without realizing that after the wedding you will have to deal with this person for the rest of your life and that marriage will come its challenges and ups and downs. As a single woman, I have to catch myself and remind myself of the “bigger picture/marriage realities” while on these Bellanaija sites and other wedding instagram pages and blogs. I pray that God will help us navigate this stage in our lives. And like Tobi said, “Get your pride out of the way. Don’t define your marital success by how well your wedding day or “lifestyle” stacks up with other women.”

    • Wow. Great insight. Thanks for sharing!

    • entering marriage, i don’t think i was severely disillusioned about the realities marriages face, but i DEFINITELY judged (way too harshly) the “hollywood” marriages that die so quickly…i found out within year ONE of marriage why ppl leave. now, in year 13, i’ve definitely learned across time why ppl stay. it’s work, but like all investments, u look back and evaluate if it’s been worth the work. for me it has; for some it hasn’t. that’s the reality we need to give ppl the space to experience. marriage isn’t exempt from life’s curve balls.

      • Jen Smith

        Good insights.

    • ni ng’ash

      i love this wah..really inspired, a wise lady will heed to this

  • Loba

    Fresh Air! WOW! I feel a burden lifted. Number 8 was key for me, majorly because we are in the era of “Radical” feminism. Praise God. Preachers/Pastors/Church authority in North-America, need to learn from this article, and start preaching “BOTH” sides of the story to create a spiritual balanced diet, thus, a healthy family.

    • Loba that is deeeeeppp! Wow! I certainly agree that not just in church but in even in general, there needs to be a balance! Thanks so much for sharing

      • Hopeful

        Hello, I really don’t think we are in age of radical feminism. Women are still being judged, and judging each other by things such as their looks, and their bodies. Many women christian and otherwise are still letting christian boyfriends lead them in the wrong manner. I don’t think most women have a problem with men’s leadership. I think many more men have an issue with loving their wives as much as they should. We spent many decades Bible beating women about submission actually so now this past 2 decades we have seen some attempts to readdress the vast inequalities this caused (domestic abuse, infidelity etc)

        • Ruth

          I also totally agree with you Hopeful in this issue there is lots of pressure for women to respect their man & being submission .but is a different story when it come to Man we have to ask and demand for them to love as we deserve to be loved as women.
          .

        • Willburg

          Except the stats would disagree that there is an inequality where men are way more abusive or cheat way more often etc. domestic violence is 60-40% some speculate it is more 45-55% and if you look up recent stats on how many women cheat it is shocking. Did you know women are a likely culprit in sexual abuse of their children? All you need to do is open your eyes and resist all the gynocentric lies you’ve been told. Go to this website called “Google”. It is a search engine where you can query(research) statistics instead of regurgitating what you’ve been told. All you need to do is use your keyboard(rectangle object with keys) and the mouse(oval) and type any question you have. Don’t go to opinion sites when you look up facts and statistics. Then cross reference(Google that as well). I’ve known many good christian men falsely accused, abused physically, emotionally and sexually. I don’t personally know of a single christian woman that this is true of. You honestly sound like you stepped out of a woman’s studies course.

          • J Smith

            And this is why the term “mansplaining” was coined. Look it up on that site, you know, Google.

          • J Smith

            Mansplaining underfunded with nastiness. Very Christian.

          • Alan Gibson

            yes willburg you are right. the trouble is we were taught the wrongs about life and religion. I am Spiritual who was gifted at a young age never used them till I was old enough to understand them.when I did you learn allot very quickly tried murder cases and yes all mine weere true but the last was fear a man from derby killed by a contract killer with no emotions and well planned. i walked away didn’t want to get too near or i would be the next. Psychic finding thats amazing found coins unearthed too me a day and a half scrubbed them dated them before they were returned to me someone claimed them police fund or collector but thats life. I also found a mans life of his work cash cards were hundreds all over the world handed them to the police someone claimed them but I never got a thank you probably the police officer i handed to claimed the find and as I say you win some and you lose some. i found a dead womans clothes she was murdered and dumped on the boarder of yorkshire mother and son killed her. spiritual world say she wanted to marry a white man she was inlove with, lesley whittle who die with aligiture around her neck no one ever got back to me but they had been around that area and a small bridge near to where she was found. he was the black pather I dreamed three times before I phoned stafforshire police. don’t do that now. so I moved to love and Healing best thing I ever did. but i heard about soul seeking. I should have gone into it to find out more about it but like a fool I tried it with a friend it felt I was shot and moved back quickly I was quiet but after a few days I started writing poetry songs I even could write a book in a day and I hated writing now I love it but things soon changed demons kept jumping in and causing so much problems I couldn’t control. I told my friend I have to back away she went into a flip you men are all the same so I stayed and ended up losing my friend although I still love her as my friend no more than that as I cannot leave my path but with the demons she blew me out without helping me. and it took just over two years to pull away from that magnetic field around us both. It took a big toll in my life but free from the demons and friend who is still close to my heart. I am called a earth angel in life and I love the world of my people too what ever colour we are the same. except Black people were the first on the planet earth white people came along and want it all but they can go on for so long before the world ends no one owns this planet except Sumerians who created us of cells in our Oceans we stay near too it’s called home where every living creature came from and moved inland and created life on earth. for us we created 215 continents now 168 left due to the change of the meteorites that hit earth through life. God is the Sun that opened after the hit in mexico that blew to the sun and exploded to the briughtest star of all and for the magnetic field fell to earth as it spun leaving our earth crust the magnetic field. the sun made the earth grow with trees and beauty and food animals and Birds insects oxygen water and sea life started us all as humanoids living on earth the Sun became a god to all continents that each one had it’s own god in the religion they spoke. and the True spirits were from INDIA Arabia IRAQ IRAN right to the boarder of Africa was the language of Sumerian Alien life of us all. and why women were there for the lust and the Breed for man and why it still goes on today in our world sex slaves to the wealth and for the middle and low had to climb if they wanted that life too. but they would never be happy as the low or medium class as we have more respect for the women as women for men. and the trust is between how you both look afer each other, work away from them then they stray it’s life upon us all I’m afraid in Indi assalam alaikum meaning god bless you english spiritual we bless your path my friend.

          • Alan Gibson

            were true.?

  • Seun

    Many women don’t have a testimony with men…interesting.

  • naijawife

    This article right here – is the complete truth! especially number 9!

  • bims

    Wow. Very enlightening. I can identify with Nos 1 and 4. In fact, recently I asked guy what his purpose is and he couldn’t give me an answer.
    I don’t mind if he doesn’t have it all figured, but at least he should be heading somewhere. There should be a vision he is running with, right?

    Don’t Prequalify your lead! It’s an unconscious act which I am not proud of. And sincerely, it affects how I relate with guys. Thanks a lot. I’ve got a change in some perspectives.

    • Thats great Bims! You know, with the “purpose” question, I hear you. Dont be so focused on making him answer the purpose question but see if he is striving to discover it from God..if he is at least working on something and in a direction. Even if thats not the final direction God wants to take him, he is still building the “follow-through” muscles that God needs

      • Dana

        I am convinced that our purpose changes. We have no sacred cows in Christianity. Your seasons change and so will your purpose.

        • Jen Smith

          Good point, Dana

          As an offshoot of that, many of us do not have a big purpose or one that reaches a single need or group, though that is what gets pastors, congregations, and society’s attention. Most of us will have day-to-day choices & opportunities that aren’t as glamorous and that may not lead into a single direction. How we honor God matters in everything, when it changes and when it doesn’t.

    • Willburg

      I would tell you to mind your own business of you asked me thought. Can’t stand nosy people. Just because you are a woman doesn’t grant you a right to know something about me. If I wanted a girl to know I would tell them. Learn your place woman.

  • topazo

    hmmm…your points are valid. you said you were writing to mature Christian women but the tips right here are basics, the ‘mature Christian’ woman knows that already! they are the fundamentals about marriage and relationship that the mature Christian woman has mastered!

    • Hi Topazo! Thanks for chiming in! I would totally differ on whether these are things that mature christian women have mastered. These points are not easy even for the seasons christian lady. Id say they are points that can be added to a mature christian woman’s knowledge base but certainly not something that is mastered by all of them. As a relationship coach, I get a lot of intimate feedback on these issues and believe me many women are not having a good time settling down with the right man….and these are beautiful..wonderful christian women who deserve to be happy in marriage. Its not easy…hopefully this article gives fresh perspective to man single women… and men too.
      Thanks again for chiming in!

      • faithfully wed

        I admire the point regarding the leadership of a man in his home. It has become the recurring trend to equate title in the home with earnings. While God expects us to be a good steward of our finances, it is not becoming to emasculate a man who earns less money than his wife or to strip him of his title as head of household. A marriage will surely fail with no acknowledgement of gender roles. If a woman does not trust a man to lead, why marry him???

      • Drea

        Mmmmm I do not agree with point A all. As a women if I do not agree with you 100% I am a girl? Isn’t that manipulative and belittling women! And if a man has no direction from God why should I want him?? If a man is following God with all of his heart he does have direction. Maybe he does not know all the answers but he has direction! So what are you talking about? And Ruth was a hard working woman! I agree I bet she wanted a hard working man as well. Although you mention in point A or B that it is not all on a women of she hasn’t met her Boaz, I cannot take this article seriously. It is not well written from a place of maturity and is contradicting on many levels.

        • Hello Drea,
          Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your thoughts. I am surprised that you feel that way as it was not the intention at all to belittle any women. In fact as you read the comments, you will see that most women who have read the article actually appreciate the candor AND you will also see that there is a balance narrative in the follow up article addressed to the men (http://ijustmetme.com/2014/07/11-reasons-you-may-not-know-why-single-christian-men-cant-find-their-ruth-esther-or-mary/ )
          As per the notion implied that if you don’t agree with me you are a girl, again, that was not the impression that most people got.
          Either way, I am really happy that you came across the article and that you were able to give your honest opinion. Thanks!

  • Tolu

    *snaps fingers and shares*

  • Deolu A.

    This is a truly deep and insightful article, and the way it spoke to my heart showed it could only have been authored by God Himself (ALL the points resonated!). Thanks for being a willing vessel, and if you don’t mind, I’ve saved this article to be read, re-read and shared!

    • That’s it! and no..i dont mind at all. read-overs are allowed :o)

  • Nabia

    I enjoyed reading your article and am glad I read through. I almost stopped at number 1 not because I didn’t understand it but because I didn’t totally agree. I understand that those men in the Bible didn’t entirely know God’s plan for their lives but the truth is they were found doing something at least before the course of the plan for their lives changed in the direction God wanted it, I believe In being flexible and making allowance for God’s plan to be followed but I do not believe in just staying in one place, you should be found doing something. Have a plan or plans and if it’s in line with God’s will then all we’ll and good, if it’s not be willing to move in the direction God is leading. That is my opinion. Really good read all in all. Well done.

    • Absolutely Nabia, You see, this isnt to say that men have an excuse to be lazy or anything along those lines..it is simply cautionary to help women understand understand “purpose” in the right context. Great insight! Thanks for sharing!

    • wisdom mupudzi

      Yes, I was taken back by number 1 too, as I believe every man should know where is going! If he doesnt, then where the hell is he taking you and how do you know you have arrived. Im glad im not the only one. But Proverns 31 woman and number 9 are key ones too. I think he had major points there!

    • dannicalliope

      I felt the same about #1, although after reading your explanation it makes a little bit more sense. I can honestly say though, I would never have married a man who didn’t have a SENSE of purpose, even if he didn’t know exactly where God would eventually lead him. Thankfully, my husband has both a great spiritual sense of purpose and a secular sense of purpose–as do I. Both of us have ideas and plans for where we want our lives to take us together, but we also know that God is ultimately in control and we will follow Him. 🙂

  • Sade

    Thank you for this article. The points mentioned are things we females tend to forget while preparing for marriage. Point number 5 & 7 hit home with me because most people have a list of what they are looking for but they forget to do an inventory check on what they bring to the table. What you are looking for should be filled with what you have to offer as well. I really like point number 1 because we are taught to look for a man that has a plan and/ or goals but we tend to forget things change and our plan is not God’s plan. Im patiently (impatiently) waiting for you to publish a book lol.

    • Sooo true Sade!Thanks for sharing and about that book…stay vveerrryyyyy close ;o)

  • Kehinde Durowade

    LOL the whole time I was reading this, I just kept going “daaaaaaaaaaaannnnnngggggggg.” You certainly did not mince words. I think the part that resonated with me the most is when you said “you act like you’re the only prize in the equation.” That just threw me. B/c to be honest, I did think that. And I absolutely loved the scenarios with Abraham, David, and Joseph, hitting on their wives. That was fantastic and remarkably effective.

  • Anu Modupe

    I was blessed by this article, God bless you bro. I think that comment about women acting like the only prize is so true, our culture teaches us that, eg bride price lol.
    Relationships are great, but like most great things in life, maintenance of it requires work, at the beginning of a relationship I feel we all go in with a good heart, armed with all the teachings, blogs messages, ready to make it work, in the first 3 months it feels like…what was everyone freaking about, relationships are easy, because at this stage everyone is giving their best, but after about 3 months of the honeymoon phase, the real work starts, those that survive this, I feel are those that didn’t cram those teachings,blogs etc on being a good wife, but those that let the word sink in and let the word change them as individuals to be better, not too focused on the end product of ‘I go catch man now’ but changed in order to attain purpose, if marriage is part of that, great, because if purpose is your driving force, you won’t settle, nor reach outside purpose, because you will led on what purpose demands and respect it.
    Learning that relationships is your opportunity to serve, to give to the other person, like Christ is to us, is one thing that I find helpful.
    Again, thanks Tobi.
    Anu

    • Anu ..soo sooo true! Maintenance is Key! “Learning that relationships is your opportunity to serve, to give to the other person, like Christ is to us” That was a great insight. Thank you!

  • Hi there! I am going to email you on how to do that. Thanks!

  • Seun

    Thanks for posting this. I’m definitely guilty of number 6….and may not have known otherwise. I pray we learn from our mistakes going forward.

  • KA

    Number 1 certainly resonates with me! I find it really troubling when guys don’t seem to have it all figured out…or are somewhat confident in their ability to figure it out. But it’s refreshing to know that this is not uncommon! It’s certainly put a new lens on how i should evaluate the men that come my way

    • Great stuff…That’s what its all about ….fresh perspectives that enable us to see things differently and get the outcomes we want. Thanks!

  • Erykah

    An amazing read!!! Firstly, I really appreciate the intro esp point B “relationship status don’t define a person” for so long I stopped going for seminars n d like for marriage dating n relationships cos most speakers/preachers say it like being single u are “cursed with the plague”
    Well I’m guilty of pre qualifying my lead not necessarily being rude bt not just giving my thought to it. Then most importantly no1 applies to me but in a totally different way in the sense that I hv no idea where I am going,but I choose to hold God’s hand n go with Him whatever it is, most men I know dont get that.
    But one thing is for sure ladies should not let unnecessary pressure from family, church, society and married friends (who don’t tell u the truth) to set them up for disaster. Be who God says you are.

    • Oh wow Erykah! This is amazing. Thanks. Hold on to that. Keep holding his hand and he wont let you down. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open…he will start to drop some things soon that will help you.

      • Beatrix Dávid

        Well yes, these 2 might be useful articles for those who at least get the chance to meet the opposite sex at their churches or in their communities…BUT THE MAIN PROBLEM IS THE FOLLOWING:

        http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/762414.stm

        So,how on earth can I apply all this wise advice if I don’t even get the chance to meet any devout Christian men as a devoted christian woman????? The problem mentioned in the article above, unfortunately applies to my country (Hungary) as well. All my devoted Catholic friends are single, suffering all their lives because there are hardly any men in our Christian communities…And since we are not willing to marry non-Christians, all that is left is being single and suffer for the rest of our lives…Of course, those who do not take God and virtue that seriously…well, they don’t have such problems…Well, maybe they will soon have problems with the quality and length of their marriage though…

        • Hi Beatrix! Thanks for posting that. Yea I totally understand. I have heard this form many women as well and its certainly something that we need to look into in the body of Christ. That said, something tells me that while its true that the ratio of women to men is higher for women, that there are good men in church who are not looking rushing into commitment because of the increasing cost of a mistake (the fear of marrying the wrong woman). Also, the lack of discipleship of young men, by other older men. Its a big problem…thanks for sharing

  • Lady

    I enjoyed the article. I have to say though, that none of the points really resonate with me, which makes me wonder if I have a problem. I dont think I do any of the above and I am certainly not materialistic or looking for a finished article – in fact I love the idea of struggling together with the man I love to build something together. I have always been a traditional woman and relish the prospect of submitting to my husband and allowing him to lead me. I would love that! For me the most important thing is finding a christian man who loves the Lord and is willing to grow and whom I love as well. For me having a connection/friendship/love is the most important thing and I will go with him wherever his dreams lead because I love him. By love I mean when two people “mesh” so well, they get along so well and are friends first and foremost and are attracted sexually to each other. If those key things are there, then everything else is secondary to me. I have met men who were the finished article, mighty men of God etc etc but I couldnt be with them because I just wasnt attarcted to them. Have I got it wrong? Can attraction be switched on like a light switch? Ithink when you fall truly in love, all the long lists of rules, wants etc go out the window. Anyways these are my two cents, I hope it makes sense.

    • Of course it makes sense. It sounds like you are on the right path. I know that attraction is unconscious in our minds BUT it operates automatically based on the filters WE tell our minds to look for. So take a look at that and if it needs adjustment, great. if it doesnt, leave it be and that right guy will come along. Hope this helps!

      • Ms.A

        That is so true Tobi! I love that you pointed out that attraction is an unconscious filter in our minds that operates automatically. I’m guilty as charged! I’ve learned the hard way to work on this.

        For me it’s not only just physical attraction but compatibility on lifestyle preferences also. I would like to be physically attracted to and spiritually drawn to my spouse though.

    • lady too

      Hello lady,
      Are you me?

      • Jen Smith

        LOL. Cute!

  • Kemie

    This for me is healing right here in the deepest part where my heart resides. Some of these things are struggles not because they’re so difficult but perhaps society, family pressures and some bad experiences leave their fingerprints on the soul. I see reason to lift my walls and I bless God for you for these revealing truth. I am patiently waiting and intend to share….His Oil will continually flow through you. Blessings

    • Wow. Thanks for that. Means a whole lot. That sounded so heartfelt. All Glory to Christ Jesus

  • 1 + The One

    The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Very ‘eye-opening’. God bless you Tobi!!

  • beautiful post. i am so blessed!
    http://www.folasoasis.com

  • Mariam Pedro

    Very insightful! I appreciate you taking the time to compose and elaborate on such a topic. We all need to hear and I wish we were all strong enough to hear this written message and change the course of tragedy with failed relationships. The point that stood out for me was the glamorizations of wedding ceremonies and has prompted me to consider even unfollowing those social media outlets because it can easily turn into lusting for a one- three day event that comes and goes just like that and what is there to show for it when there was so much focus on the wedding event planning and very little focus on planning for the marriage and life together. I also found it interesting the point of women needing to work hard too. The fairy tale stories and present day reality television speaks loudly about just waiting for your Prince Charming to come, but the truth is we all need to get off our butts and pursue our purpose and passions because at the end of the day those wasted moments cannot be returned.

  • Rebecca

    This list also applies to men. I have brothers I care about list “I want a woman who is a prayer warrior. I want her to work hard and do xyz. I also want her to look like Beyonce.” “Um bro, you don’t pray but you want a woman who does? AND you want that woman to be the hottest thing in the room. Got it.”

    I think what would be more positive in the article is recognizing that what you listed is not a gender problem but a people problem. We all should be striving towards God. And we all fall into sin patterns that reflect the fall in the things we look for. Status for women might look like having a spouse that has a high paying job. BUT status for men is having a woman that other guys turn their head to see when this woman walks into the room. We all grasp that rather than asking God, what does He want.

    • new

      “is not a gender problem but a people problem” Well said my sister!!

  • Apostle Note Mendoza

    Absolutely Awesome. As a Pastor and Counselor I agree with these insights. I say simular things on a regular basis during sessiond eith couples, our eith friends and family. I myself being a put my own lifr journeys into perspectives and no matter how I may struggle at times, I truly learn a great deal about not just myself, but also the type of Woman Of Faith that only GOD can prescribe for a man that followd after His Heart. Amen. I always say this: “In order to go with me, you must “Grow” with me. Thank you Bro. Tobi for sharing this vital information. Continue to he a blessing for GOD’s People.

  • Charlotte

    I was surprised by number 8. I do not believe men are default leaders. It’s unfair to assume that a strong leader woman will have difficulty finding love. Number 8 is so antiquated, why are people still pressing on with that belief?

    • Rawtid

      i couldnt agree with you more!

    • Hollie Nimmers

      Charlotte- people are still pressing on with this belief because its biblical. The bible teaches that wives are to submit to their husband. (Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Peter3; 1 Cor 11:3; Col 3:18; Titus 2:5)

    • dannicalliope

      It’s Biblical, and this is a Christian forum, so that’s probably why. 🙂 But seriously, I understand where you’re coming from with the submission thing–the world has this idea that to be a submissive wife means you’re a doormat for some man to walk over. But I believe that the Bible is talking about spiritual submission, not necessarily asking his permission about every little thing (although if you have good communication skills, you probably already know what the other is doing because you talk about it). I am a very strong willed, independent woman–I was raised to be that way, and it also comes very naturally to me (to say I’m stubborn would be an understatement). However, God knew this about me and matched me with a man who is probably just as, if not more, stubborn as I am. And guess what? We both had to learn the meaning of the word compromise. And yes, I “submit” to my husband if he absolutely puts his foot down about something, but the majority of the time it’s not like that at all. Because we are in a loving relationship, we ask each other’s thoughts and opinions and try to come to a mutual decision. Besides, I’ve put my foot down about a few things as well. But I never forget the enormous responsibility that God has given HIM–he is responsible for the spiritual well-being of everyone in his home. That’s a heavy burden for him to carry, so when it comes to spiritual things I let him take the lead, because I trust him to follow God (and I also have my own relationship with God, so it’s not like I’m walking blind). And there’s nothing in the Bible that says I can’t let him know if I really, honestly feel he’s making a huge mistake–after all, he is human, and what kind of “help-meet” would I be if I didn’t try to help him? 🙂

  • Earl Alright

    Wow. God bless the writer of this article and the team at http://www.ijustmetme.com. I have practically shared this piece with my friends already. Earl Alright @AlrightsPassion

  • Guy Lacourse

    Good article! Men and woman are BOTH trapped into that consumerist mentality where one wants to GET from the other what he/she perceives as what will match with there felt (or known) needs. That’s a type of love called ”eros” in greek. ”Eros” love is a love of self that tends to find (consume) what is perceived as a need (a want to satisfy that need). But there is that other type of love, that godly love, called ”agapè” in greek. It is a love that only wants to give (and not take), that looks to satisfy the other’s needs and wants. That should resonate with the ”list” that most men and women make – but not of what they think they want (can) bring to the table as Sade said in an earlier comment. ”Agapè” love should be the one any man or woman should want to develop and uphold in any future (or actual) relationship. If you find a person that makes you want to give yourself to him/her, openly communicate with him/her, share spiritually with him/her and physically get close to him/her, then that should be a good start. As for point num.1, I today am a pastor in the SDA church but I used to be a chemist in the pharma industry! If 5 years ago a woman would ask me about my plans in life, nowhere would I have answered that I was planning to quit it all, move from Canada to France and do a masters degree in theology! So, yes, ladies, a man that follows God’s lead is what you should look for…and be prepared for surprises!! Blessings to all.

  • Bodunrin Oludare

    Woooooow!!!! This is the first time i am seeing someone speaking this seemingly “extinct” but still original truth. I was sharing these same thoughts with someone two days ago and it was sounding very alien. truth is there is a very long generation of subtle deception, societal definition and toxic transfer of experiential knowledge that make these truths look like a mere ultra human ideal. But the truth is the truth and it is forcible; if we keep sharing it will fight for itself and take over the ravaging deception. Thanks Bro. You are confirmation that going against the norm is wierd but it is THE CALLING. Hope you don’t mind cullling and sharing this on my wall with all credits back to ijustmetme. Thank you.

    • Hello Bodunrin, Of course you can share. Thanks for the compliments! Glad it was meaningful !

  • frances

    Thanks for this and number one resonated with me deeply. Sometimes we want him to have it all figured out, forgetting the fact that even us(I) don’t have it all figured out.
    I only have a general view of where God is taking me,it’s not all clear yet but am willing to follow and obey, why should I hold him to different standards?
    True true! An eye opener.thanks

  • Joseph Israel

    STRAIGHT TO THE POINT, EITHER YOU TAKE IT, OR YOU LEAVE IT, SIMPLE AS THAT! I SAY AMEN!!!

  • Gorgeous Merls

    Number 6 to 9 really stuck especially 9 cause a lot if my married friends paint this perfect picture when its actually not the Case…

  • Liz

    Hi. Given a lot of these comments are full of praise, I just wanted to offer an alternative perspective, because I personally found this article incredibly offensive (and not because I’m not a “Mature Christian Woman”). You have grossly stereotyped single women as shallow and materialistic and ungodly (see particularly point 2) in a way that suggests you actually don’t know that many single, godly women. Further, a disclaimer that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with being single is entirely negated by offering several reasons why your singleness is directly related to your godliness and whether you have a godly perspective. To me this article does not resonate as godly, loving and humble advice to women struggling with singleness, but as a patronising diatribe that fails to understands the issues single christian women are dealing with.

    • Hi Liz,
      I am sorry you feel that way about the article but before I go any further, I need to say that I completely respect your opinion and perspective. However, here are a few points that may help resolve the disconnect you seem to be experiencing with the heart of the article:
      1.Not all the points will resonate with everyone at the same level and thats ok.
      2. The article isn’t titled “9 points that describe Godly women”. It’s just a selection of possibilities that may shed light on what many women are going through …and they seem to have done that.
      The article is not an attempt to describe single Godly women
      2.It is a real blessing to you if your own personal experience is not what was mentioned in the article. You should really thank God for that. As a relationship coach however, I see these issues first hand. The best way to approach this article is to see if it applies to you. If it does, great. If it doesn’t, that’s great too.
      3. I am really glad I started the article the way I did
      4. I don’t claim to know all there is to know about being a Godly woman…That’s why I used Biblical examples throughout the article
      I really hope this helps to clear it up for you. Thanks again for your honesty and contribution to the conversation. God bless!

  • DTA

    The one that really resonated is that part where you made mention to ladies being toxic in the way they treat men they don’t consider a prospect, forgetting that when the real prospect comes, he would ask other men. That is just sooooooo true. And Ladies need to learn that. It’s d one major singular reason a man would be scared to walk up to a lady… because of that treatment… No guy wants to be embarrassed or disrespected. Thanks. this is a really nice piece…. please, what’s your twitter handle?

    • Great! Twitter handle is @ijustmetme

  • Evangelist Fabianna Anderson

    Great article yes a mature christian woman can understands who she must be in christ. When we as christians understand order all other things fall into place. We must be patient and pray over that husband we don’t have yet knowing God will lead and direct us together. That man must be willing to go after christ 1st and foremost. Before he can approach a woman of God. And because he has watched her from afar he knows what it takes of him to gain her attention. Thanks again for great article God bless look forward to reading more.

  • Tracey. You hit the nail on the head! You are right, we haven’t paid enough attention to men in terms of how to have successful relationships. It is a strong desire of my heart and I am starting to do more and more of that. Continue to pray for me.

  • Memzeki,
    I really appreciate those thoughts and I actually dont disagree with most of what you said. The case for “direction” i was making in the article is not meant to be an excuse for laziness for men or for lack of activity (stay tuned for the men’s version of the article ).

    Thats also why i mentioned in the article that ” even if they had a clue, their lives for a long time did not reflect that great place God said he was taking them.”

    I love love love your comments and feedback. Thanks for taking the time to share that!

  • Absolutely! You said it best that its about not being caught up in those pictures. Thanks for sharing!

  • Very great insight, I believe that I’m on the right track after reading this. I’m perfect by no means, however my mindset when desiring a God fairing, leading husband, is on point with this post. I know that I have to be, and become the best Proverbs 31 woman that I can be, and leave the rest to my Father (God).

  • Oh wow Liz, Thank you so much. You have shown great example that even I can learn from. Than you for that response. It takes such maturity to be able to say what you just said. Your response encouraged me to continue to be open to differences, to be accommodating of people and most importantly, that no one is too good to say they were wrong. With much love…Thank you!!! (Gosh if only the body of Christ was more like this!!)

  • CecilioST

    About that..Boaz perhaps but not sure any ladies should be trying to find David (Womanizer/Perv) or Joseph (Workaholic).

  • Gwendolyn Tennard Owens

    I loved the article!!! You have very valid points and a fresh perspective on what the underlying causes of why women are “still looking” instead of working on themselves, having realistic expectations and having something to offer a man of worth. I posted it on my Facebook Fan Page. Keep up the good work!!!

  • Hello Maria,
    Sorry that you feel that way. As always, I want to start by saying that I respect your thoughts and opinions on the matter. As it pertains to women being submissive, I don’t blame you at all for feeling the way you do especially if you witnessed your own mother in a version of submission that doesn’t sound like how it was originally intended. A woman is not a doormat or less than a man and should not be treated as such.
    Here are a couple of points that may help offer a new perspective
    1.Submission done properly should be done not because one person is less than the other but because it is done to honor God.
    2.Submission should be one to the other (This article just happened to be talking about a female context and not meant to detail the male flip side- another article coming soon)
    3.Yes Maria…you should anticipate to shower your future husband with blessings because that IS indeed your duty. The Bible does say that “He who finds a wife finds a good thing”. I don’t think you mean that…I think what you probably meant to say was that you ( beautifully created, daughter of God, wonderfully made Maria) will indeed be a blessing to the man that sees you as the blessing that you are. God bless you and I pray that you find a man that makes you want to be the blessing you were made to be

  • Hello Mimi,
    Thanks for sharing those important thoughts. I respect them. You are right…some men think that way…but not men who truly understand God’s idea for a family. So Mimi, is not a “men” thing, it’s a “lack of understanding by some men” thing. Some men abuse it, but that does not define all men. There are some really great men out there and the women who are married to them /dating them have no problem with submission because submission in their relationship doesn’t mean they are “less than”. A man who understands a woman’s submission properly knows that he is accountable to God for it and must not abuse it.
    And I am married…happily so too. To the most incredible woman walking the face of the earth who I honor and who honors me right back

    • Ms.A

      Hi Tobi. I really enjoyed this article so much that I shared it with my sisters in Christ so we can all do self examination. A lot of it hits home with me. However, I have to ask a question regarding the comments of others in this particular thread about the topic of submission.

      Why is ALL the submission put on the woman alone? Right above the scripture most men quote in Ephesians 5:22 it says in verse 21 “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Men and women skip right over that.

      Clearly the verse says to submit to one another. And how do you draw the line when the man makes decisions if not everything is 50/50?

      I have no problem submitting to a man who is actually submitted to the Lord being led by the Spirit. When Paul said a man lay down his life for his wife, like Christ did for the church that means the man needs to crucify his flesh and not lead by ego or sexist masculine hierarchy.

  • Hi Terry!
    Thanks for taking the time to chime in. I see you also have a book out (Readers pls check her out at http://www.terrycato.com/ )
    I know where you are “coming from” and I agree with you in that regard. You see, the context of the article is directed at situations where women use that “purpose” clause to write off good men that haven’t yet realized their FULL potential and full path. Why? Because many women cant even describe what it means to have purpose. So they are using something they cant even properly define, as the criteria for measuring someone else.
    Yes a man shouldn’t be lazy and foggy minded but the article is written in the context mentioned above.
    Love your book title. I hope people check it out from here. I see its Bible based. Great!

  • Hello,
    Thanks for writing this.
    I have gotten enough questions about this area even with my clients that I have decided to write on this. Thank you for asking that. Subscribe to the blog so you can get a notification when it comes out soon

  • Lol Tamaya! YES! He HIMSELF must see the value (FOR HIMSELF) in waiting till marriage for sex. Many men forget that its not a favor they do FOR her… but for themselves too

  • Raymond Richardson

    Very good read

  • Dorian

    Good read but what about the ladies who aren’t being approached? Like me I don’t get approached. I feel like I’m ugly or something. My mother always say that men look, but no one steps up. The only ones are old or high. I’ve been divorced since 2010 and haven’t been approached or on a date since 2006 when I got sepaprated. I get lonely and feel like God doesn’t want me to be married again. I don’t want to be the lonely old hag.

    • Dorian,
      I am not going to pretend like I have the answers to your situation because I don’t want to downplay what you are feeling. What I am going to say is that many times, you look how you feel. I “suspect” that perhaps the pain/frustration from your previous relationship (or other personal issues ) are at play. Take care of yourself and pay attention to your appearance (without losing yourself) and be lovable…be approachable…be fun, but most importantly, FEEL attractive, FUN, INTELLIGENT and youll behave in a way that makes you more approachable. Don’t carry the past forward. Let it go and really move forward

  • Kylen Osborne

    Lol I like how it doesnt mention King David being a murderous adulterer

    • So was apostle Paul and he wrote the rule book on relationships. So was Moses and God used him mightily. NO one is perfect except the lord Jesus Christ. oh and….David is remembered to be one person that shows us what it means to have a repentive heart

  • Great question.
    So what that means is that guys will seek to possibly hear about you from other men that may know you if you are in a similar environment. It is up to the man to use maturity to judge whether the response is sound , but we do that because we are typically on the “asking” side of the equation. So we want to know if we are walking into a bad situation or a good one.

  • AngelCryssi

    So does that mean I can date/marry a nonbeliever?

  • Hey Tara,
    I totally understand where you are coming from. Im glad you mentioned that you don’t have a good relationship with your father. That can play a role. Either way, be encouraged. One of my mentors shared something with you that I will share with you. “There is nothing good that the devil will not try to abuse”. You see, your life has taken an incredible path that has enabled you to learn some amazing things that make you strong, dependable leader and that’s great. Don’t change that, find the man that appreciates that. So you see, the MANNER in which you built these values may not have been favorable, but those values are yours !!!…and useful to you AND anyone who will appreciate those qualities in you. You are blessed!!

  • Shrone Johnson

    Awesome, thank you for the guidance, I’m going to start making some changes in myself. I could relate to alot of what you were saying, as far as the Christian Woman mentality, I believe I was making those mistakes as well. I am so glad you shed light in a dark corner.

  • Hello disgusted w/ small-minded peop,
    Lol. No…you will not be blasted for your post. I fully respect your opinion and value your contribution. You are right…many men have sinned against their wives and against God as well. It’s a sad situation…even I don’t claim to know it all. You are right….many women have suffered unjustly in the hands of many men…but that doesn’t make the article irrelevant to all women. I understand that not all the points will resonate with all women and even more so, some women will not resonate with any of the articles and that’s ok too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  • Great Question! Stay tuned….I am working on the flip side addressing men

  • Shiree, I pray that God himself will honor your heart like he honored Ruth. I pray that he will heal and remove every sense of fear, inadequacy, hurt and frustration. I pray for you that Gods love will overshadow you and that you will have a testimony to share soon

  • Angel, I am so sorry to hear that. I pray that God will give you the strength you need. I need you to know this and never forget it” JUST BECAUSE YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS BROKEN DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE. Easier said than done..i know. His grace is sufficient for you.

  • Sarah

    The question is “why are you single”. The answer is “because that is God’s best”. If God wanted you to be married, you would be, regardless of an individuals strengths or weaknesses.

  • Random Straightface

    [in response to #6] I get lectured every time I say it – but I’m entitled to my opinion since it’s based on my experience:
    I am extremely reluctant to date another member of my church. Church relationships are in a Sanctified glass bowl & someone is always trying to play cupid with Sister So&so. Abstinence is a struggle of the single Saint but it’s not the only one! Personality is the most easily transmitted social disease. I believe my bride will cross my path when I’ve been developed enough to handle the relationship. Not when someone decides they know who is perfect for me.
    Also, when I’m in worship I’d really prefer for a woman I’m just starting to date (or any other pretty woman) not to see me crying like a little girl. I agree that worship is a VERY intimate moment that should be shared with my mate, but I also believe that both genders have to be VERY careful who they’re connected to when in the spirit & you can’t really get that from someone you only see once a week…

  • Laterra Rice

    Thanks for the knowledge. A lot of points hit me on the head n all I can say is Amen. Please fix me first God.

  • Geeny

    is hugging, pecking and kissing bad/sinful/ungodly for people in a relationship?Also, is there anything wrong with holding hands(on the road)

    • The hugging, pecking and kissing in themselves are not the sins or the danger. It is:
      1.The state of mind those things put you in. In other words, the physical acts can lead your mind/heart to be in a “sinful state” and that’s not good. The advice is to abstain from any thing that will not only compromise your body but your mind as well. Also, remember that dating is not marriage so anything that you can proudly announce to your future spouse and to God, dont do. I know this is easier said than done..but ask for grace…it is possible
      2. I don’t think holding hands is an issue for people in a relationship

      • Geeny

        tnx…what about this scenario…i am always concerned about what people say about me. like if he is holding me when we go out, i look for ways to free my hands because i am always like ‘what if people(especially my church members) see me what will they think of me. is it a bad thing/what can i do to be less concerned with what people think about me?

        • Hi there,
          I totally get where you are coming from. I bet that you both have not declared your “relationship status” to the church or better yet to the leaders of the church. In my experience, that’s usually what causes that apprehension. If you are at the stage where you are both serious about each other and want to really begin working on taking it to the next level, then let them know and that way, youll be free of that “fear”. If you are NOT at that level yet…if you do not know yet if you are working towards a commitment and marriage, then that answers your question. In other words, you will be giving the impression that you are committed when in actuality, maybe you are just getting to know each other. You both need to decide what you are both doing (word of caution though…don’t put “undue” pressure on him to take the relationship to the “next level” simply to avoid feeling somehow about public display of affection)

  • Elizabeth

    I was wondering so many men now have no direction or man purpose just different ideas but how can you really know the difference between hidden ambition and no ambition?

  • Drummond

    I understand that you started with article with disclaimers about not wanting to blame women, but the whole message of this article is that Christian women need to change and shifts responsibility of building strong relationships from men to women. If men want to lead in relationships ( as you suggests in number 8) than they need to stop blaming women and take ownership. The Bible says it’s the mans job to find a good wife. It’s not a women’s responsibility to fit in some imaginary box or cross of some impossible check list of what Christian men are looking for this week/year/generation. This article is just another in a series of women-blaming “Think like Man” series of nonsense. That world has be perpetuating this ideology through books/television/movies and I’m sorry to hear that it’s made its way into the Body of Christ.

    • Hello Drummond,
      I appreciate your comment and totally respect your thoughts. I wanted to offer a different point of vide that may clear this up for you a bit. You mentioned that “the whole message of this article is that Christian women need to change and shifts responsibility of building strong relationships from men to women” but Drummond, it is not to shift the responsibility from men to women, but to show some ways that Women can take SOME responsibility in the process. To assume that as a woman, you don’t have to change and you don’t have to be accommodating and you don’t have to be aware of what is important to a man is ….well….to each his (her) own. Im not saying you have to change for a man, I am saying that we BOTH have to evolve to be the best for each other. God doesn’t only care about his daughters…he cares about his sons too.
      I’m just happy you took the time to read the article and share your thoughts.

  • Denise Godbolt

    Phenomenal article. Points 6 and 8 was expressed with a high level of wisdom and spiritual depth. Thanks for sharing!!

  • melodyvine

    I lead myself. Genitalia does not determine ones leadership ability in my home. I’m so glad Im a free thinker and choose logic, reason and compassion over religious indoctrination. Its great to be free.

  • Kathryn Dee

    Awesome! More nonsense written by a misogynist who hides behind Christianity to bash women and make them feel like they are solely the cause of bad relationships. Love how you target women in this article. Also love how you feel the need to condescend and insult any woman who may disagree with what you say or find it offensive.
    But since we’re talking about girls vs. women, let’s get one thing straight. I am a grown woman who has made all of my own decisions all of my adult life. And considering how well my life has turned out, I would say that I am MORE THAN CAPABLE of making good decisions. Any man who walks into my life and thinks that he should suddenly start “leading” me just because he has a penis is a scared, insecure little boy and will be shown the door accordingly. Ladies, your brain is just as capable as any man’s. You don’t need a man to “lead” you, because a marriage is a relationship of EQUALS.

    • Kehinde Durowade

      I believe in equality in relationship as well but the Bible charges wives to submit to their husbands and husbands are charged to love their wives. I think that if He is God’s choice for u, then it wouldn’t be so hard to submit to him or be led by him because He will be led of God. Decisions will ofcos be made together, with prayers and all that. It’s not a competition btw husband and wife to see who gets their way or at least it shouldn’t be. As long as he is God’s choice for u and he understands his role per d bible, I believe equality in the relationship wouldn’t be that much of a contentious issue.

  • Kathryn Dee

    Awesome! More nonsense written by a misogynist who hides behind Christianity to bash women and make them feel like they are solely the cause of bad relationships. Love how you target women in this article. Also love how you feel the need to condescend and insult any woman who may disagree with what you say or find it offensive.
    But since we’re talking about girls vs. women, let’s get one thing straight. I am a grown woman who has made all of my own decisions all of my adult life. And considering how well my life has turned out, I would say that I am MORE THAN CAPABLE of making good decisions. Any man who walks into my life and thinks that he should suddenly start “leading” me just because he has a penis is a scared, insecure little boy and will be shown the door accordingly. Ladies, your brain is just as capable as any man’s. You don’t need a man to “lead” you, because a marriage is a relationship of EQUALS.

  • SoleAddict

    You know, as a 24 year old woman, my initial thoughts were “why am I reading this?” But, this was great! Soooo much insight & I was surprised at how much I could relate too! Awesome, awesome, awesome!

  • PastorMoore

    So, this article has challenged me on several fronts. I have been HUGE on pre-qualifying leads as a means of economizing my time. The insight offered there has me reeling. I must say, this article has given me a great deal to think and pray about. Thank you, so much for sharing this information with single women. We are certainly blessed, as a result.

  • galleymac

    No, they don’t. Ace exists, and men and women can indeed be excellent friends. There are many kinds of valid, life-affirming love — sadly, English doesn’t have but the one word.

  • galleymac

    Then why did Paul say in 1 Corinthians 7 that it was best to remain unmarried, and that marriage was a concession IF you felt overly tempted by the carnal?

  • Really great article. Well written. Fantastic points. Provoking without being antagonistic. Quality all around. Thanks for taking the time to write such a thorough piece.

  • silverdream

    Great article~ totally enjoyed. Got your point and agree to a certain point. NOW. what I am looking forward to reading is an article where you are as hard hitting and direct in telling us – how “Christian men” are also “failing” to be Boaz,David or Joseph~ 🙂 would be a very interesting piece for all the “single Christian ladies” to understand from a man’s perspective.

  • Farrel Webb

    Respectively, this article is short sided based on one complete truth. Sorry men easily fit into all these categories as well. For instance no. 6, is hilarious, most men do some sort of checking on a woman before he chats her up. That is common and most usually does NOT end in a happily ever after. That is standard practice, women don’t joke that women are “stalkers” for no reason. The reason some women treat some men like projects is because they are not together. We only have to check the stats on men v. women in any area of education, career, civic duty, etc. This piece acts like there are so many available men with all of these virtues for them to reach in a barrel and just submit happily too. While I don’t doubt this was written from a “help” perspective let’s be honest and realistic. You quote that indeed “Men were created to lead at home”, however in statement 1 you write , Many Christian ladies want a man that “knows where he is going”… but God’s men usually don’t have a clue. Why would any woman follow a man who has no idea where he is going? Especially if God is somehow managing to make sure she knows his vision for her life.

  • lisa

    Wow!!! This is an article on point. It had me laughing because a lot of what was highlighted is true. The point that stood out for me was the first point. As a mature woman I really don’t want to waste my time being in a wrong relationship. My pray has always been for God to hold back the counterfeit, but now I am thinking if you can’t recognize the counterfeit how will you recognize the real deal. So who knows but I pray God that I did not snob my boaz!

    Your insight into the qualities of Ruth was also very remarkable.

    Tobi Keep letting The Lord use you through your writing!!

  • Hi Kiska
    Thanks for sharing. I know these situations are never easy.
    Ill say that you’ve gotten the first part of the equation which is the fact that you are no longer looking at “him” like he was God and like he is supposed to be the source of your sustenance.
    The second part is that it IS ok for you to not just depend on the emotions you feel for him but you both need to make sure that the behaviors correspond with your desires.
    So if he is still squatting with a buddy, he may not be ready to marry yet. (NOT BECAUSE HE IS NOT A GOOD MAN OR NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU) but because as a man, he needs to be trying to figure out how to get a place for his family. Of course its up to the women he will be with to say “I see where you are going and I can pick up the life tab right now while you get built up”
    He wants to start his life over, great…make sure your see the CONSISTENT EVIDENCE of that change before you make a move towards him.
    As for being led, Its not that you feel LESS. It is about being with a husband who you know is committed to being led by God so that you are able to be led by him as it calls for it. Remember that a good man will recognize your intelligence , and sound judgement so he will have no problem seeking your counsel (i.e being led by you)

  • Becca thanks for your comment! Awesome. Thanks for sharing that “post -honeymoon” experience

  • Absolutely ! Coming soon! Subscribe and get automatically notified: http://ijustmetme.com/subscription-form/

    • guest

      You’re a man…I’m surprised you wrote an article “for” women before writing for men. Hello, somebody!

  • wow. Thank you for sharing that…I pray that God will lift every burden off you and that you will always have a reminder that his love and grace is sufficient for you. I pray that you will have another opportunity to have Gods love shine through you. God bless you

  • Hello Bree,
    I totally respect your opinion and I thank you for chiming in. The heart of the article was not to talk down to women in any way but to offer some insights that may prove to be fresh perspective for some women and men too. I understand that these points wont reflect everyone’s situation and I am ok with that. Thanks again!

  • Awesome! Thanks for sharing!

  • Pamela Slacks

    I REALLY ENJOYED THE MESSAGE CONCERNING RELATIONSHIPS/MARRIAGES. IF WE AS WOMEN ALLOW GOD TO LEAD THE MEN IN OUR HOMES AS IT WAS ORDAINED, GOD WILL BLESS OUR HOMES AND FAMILIES TO THE FULLEST.

  • Gisele U

    Really liked the article. Very informative. Thanks. God bless you!

  • Anthony

    I enjoyed the wisdom. God bless the author.

  • Hi there,
    Thank you soooo very much for sharing your story. That must not have been easy. I pray that God will heal any remnant of that event and that he will use your experience as a blessing to you and to others! As it comes to prequalifying, you are right….many times men do it to. abssolutely. I agree with you 100% ..its both ways. I pray that God will send you a man that will overlook your past …in fact I pray that God will send you a man that will desire you because of your unique past. he will look at how amazing you are now and how strong you are and how lovable you are and he wont believe that someone with such a difficult past is like you and he will love you for it. Amen

  • tochi

    Great exposition. Right words for the ladies who truly desire a home full of love and Gods presence at all times. These words are capsules to keep the fire burning from the time they meet to the wedding night and up until death do them part.

  • Wilson Irungu

    Sorry, I have to share this on my blog.

  • Hello Amelia,
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I fully respect your opinion. I understand that (and I am very ok with it) the article will not resonate with EVERY women and all the points will not apply to every woman. In fact I am ok knowing that there will be some women like you out there who disagree with every thing I said. Thats ok too. Thankfully there are a lot of women reading this who understand the heart of the article and can tell that there no intention whatsoever to disrespect women in anyway. Thanks a for stopping by! . P.S I am flattered that the article inspired a whole rebuttal on your blog. God bless!

  • MK

    I really tried to the point of force to read this with an objective eye and heart but it’s just seething with chauvinistic undertones, almost sounds like the writer is venting /-: As a young woman of God in a 13 year trying but successful God centered man of God guided marriage I don’t understand why any single woman would be looking for a Boaz Joseph or whomever when the Bible clearly states “HE that findeth a wife finds a good thing” I think the issue is with the ‘search’ as opposed to petitioning God for what your hearts desire is and asking him to conform your heart to his willl. Boaz was for Ruth, David for….well we won’t go there lol but what God has for you is for you. I just again felt turned off by the chiding undertones of this article you could so tell it was written by a man almost like a voice on behalf of the men tired of the demands women put on them..which made it quasi-comical and hard for me to receive and/or pass on to anotha sista although some portions were beneficial. Bless

    • NB

      MK, I’m with you on this one. I’m not entirely convinced with the post – I suppose and I am matured Christian man.

  • Abi

    This is awesome; it is great reading for men as it’s great
    for women, good for both married and single

  • Oluwatobi
  • Rachel

    I’ve been in the Christian and missions community for a long time, seen a lot of superficial relationships that end sour and a lot of bitter single girls/guys. I’ve heard and read lots of talk on relationship but this was by far the best. It’s practical and scriptural and I want to put this stuff into practice and share it with others. Thanks for your honest perspective.

    • Wow Rachel! Thank you! All Glory to God. Thanks for taking the time to say that though! God bless!

  • Calypso

    #8. Precisely why I’m not looking for a Boaz, David, or Joseph.

  • Hi there Wangari. I appreciate where you are coming from. I think you may get some clarity in the latest post focused at Men…the flip side: http://ijustmetme.com/2014/07/11-reasons-you-may-not-know-why-single-christian-men-cant-find-their-ruth-esther-or-mary/

  • Meritaton Kirigha

    I enjoyed reading the article. It’s real and draws valid and great references to the Word of God. Keep writing!

  • Caroline

    “Here is a secret ladies, you know how you like a guy and try to keep it to yourself until your girlfriends force a confession out of you? We guys don’t do that. The moment we think we are interested in you, we are telling someone and we are asking around about you….and we are asking our MALE friends/mentors. Because we know they will tell us like it is and of course won’t spread it all around church and make things suddenly awkward or cause all the sisters to start giving the dirty eye next Sunday. Bro code.”

    That totally got me.

  • Wesley Tese Ahura

    This is beautiful stuff..

  • metrivers

    I could not have read it better myself! I really enjoyed this point of view. Opened my mind as to what I need to do better…

  • Hi there! Thanks! To answer your question, not at all. As you know, prov 31 is not a comparison between men and women. it is simply saying that it is OK (and even expected ) for a women to be excellent and a high achiever… REGARDLESS of what position the man is. but many woman say “if I am more successful that he is, that means HE is a failure” and that is not true. it almost that many ladies are unconscionably saying “i am going to be great..but i want a man who is greater and any man who i am more successful than is not worthy of me” instead of thinking..my success is /can be an advantage for a family

    • Zoegirl

      Hmn…..ok, that makes sense. And so long as the man isn’t content to warm the couch with his butt and put his feet up, thinking he has ‘hit gold’ because he has a successful wife! In any case, permission to share your articles on facebook, please? 🙂

      • HI there! Yes please feel free to share

  • Thats awesome! I am really glad it connected with you. Sure. free free to share on your facebook. I really liked what you said and I pray that you find that Man!

  • Maria Ocheja

    I am happy I read this article. One thing I gathered from this article is that I as a Lady should recklessly abandon myself to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and my ways through faith will be appealing to Christ and anything appealimg to Christ is appealing to any Man of God.

  • Reba Nanjala

    oooh spot on!

  • Gloria

    #1 hit me the hardest, I’m still asking God for direction for my own life so it’s only fair to assume that he might not know for sure where he is going yet.

    #9 is so true though, with bellanaija, fb, instagram it is so easy to have unrealistic expectations. plus married friends rarely share anything less than positive except the much older women, who share really negative stuff and then go ahead to ask when I’m getting married 🙂

    as for #8… I feel like many guys mistake a strong personality for not wanting to be led/unsubmissiveness etc. I’m an independent thinker, and i resist attempts to manipulate me or force opinions on me. I find that guys can’t take it, they seem to get intimidated by it. I wish guys can understand that my not accepting their opinions without question has absolutely nothing to do with respect.

  • Lina

    Wow! What an insightful article. Painful but soooo true. I’m in the middle of a horrible divorce as a result of not being fully prepared (or truly understand) how to be a Christian wife. I got caught in the romance of my wedding day and that could not sustain a lifetime. After 13 years we just didn’t recognize each other anymore… Oh the lessons I’ve learned..

    • Lina! Wow! Thank you for sharing that. I wish you all the best.

  • Hello Lulu,
    Sorry you feel that way but of course that was not the intention. The article has no problem/issue with you a woman being a prize, it simply cautions against assuming that you are the ONLY prize. The article also does not say that you should simply “just take whatever you get”. If you follow the blog, you’ll see that there is a subsequent article addressing the men.
    I do respect your concerns but I understand that the issues I spoke I about wont apply to all women and all situations. Thank you so much for stopping by and I look forward to more comments/readership from you. I encourage you to read the flip side: http://ijustmetme.com/2014/07/11-reasons-you-may-not-know-why-single-christian-men-cant-find-their-ruth-esther-or-mary/

  • Christine

    So if God says not to be unequally yoked, then if a man doesn’t know when or how he’s going to get there then doesn’t that mean you’re unequally yoked? Say a man says he believes in God and desires to have a stronger relationship with God but because he has to work hard in order to make ends meet and it takes him away from going to church often, then what is the woman of God suppose to do…keeping in mind that the couple is not married, they are dating, does she leave him or does she stay?

    • Great question. It is important to remember that it is not our activities that dictates our stand in God. You’ve got to look at more than just incidents. For example, do we say that a woman who just gave birth and who doesn’t go to church for a few weeks after that isn’t thankful to God? No. So look at patterns not incidents. Is the person really regretful of not being able to God. Does the rest of his life reflect someone who is searching for a deeper relationship with Christ? Don’t judge him by the level of ‘Christian’ activity but seek discernment on the inner man

  • Chadia

    Tobi,I must disregard your first point, and I’ll tell you why:

    1.First of all, Abraham was both married and well established when the Lord called him. (Genesis 12:1-5).

    2.Second, all of the men whom you outlined were certain of the Lord’s calling or anointing. They may not have known their exact geographical destination, but the Lord made it clear that he was taking Abraham into a place of great blessing, Joseph knew that he would be put in a position of leadership, and David was sure of his calling as King of Israel.

    3. Third, we do not know at which stage in life Joseph or David got married. From Biblical accounts we know that Joseph likely got married after his stint in prison; the same time at which the dreams that he had been given were in the genesis of fulfillment. And I’m not sure at which point David got married, but I do know that his defeat of Goliath was the beginning steps of him walking in his calling as King (even though he was not yet installed as king).

    I have not gone through the remainder of your points with a fine toothed comb so there may be great merit and validity to your remaining points. But, I believe that it is dangerous to tell single women that they need not know where the man whose leadership they will be in submission to for the rest of their natural lives is going. I will urge ALL single young women to thinly regard this first point. Please, at the very least, ensure that the man has an idea of where the Lord is taking him.

    • Chadia, Thanks so much for taking the time to chime in. You arent wrong at all and I appreciate the contribution. The point isnt to tell women that direction isnt important or that they shouldnt be aware of that area of concern. Its simply to caution on not depending on the perfect destination and not measuring the worth of a potential man by how close he is to that ultimate destination because often (and for a long time) he doesnt look anything like the destination. You and I are on the same page…just slightly different context. Thanks for sharing!

  • Joy

    “It would help a whole lot more if they sit their single friends down and talk about the importance of a praying wife, a strong wife, a submissive wife (to a Godly man) and how contrary to popular opinion, the faith of a wife is both a weapon for the family and its defense as well.” Well Said

  • duchess

    Good read, but sometimes i feel life isnt fair to me.Am 31yrs n no any prospective suitor.I believe i am all a good man needs for wife.Am born again and faithful, but i seem to get attention from the so called wrong men n by this i mean men who are either not saved or already married.I do nothing to encourage them n wen they notice me i turn them away….but i cant seem to be noticed by a daniel,boaz or joseph.Surely sometimes i feel like giving up and i can hardly finish writing a piece like this one without crying and asking why me.I attend church faithfully whenever i can since i do a shift job and i may be on duty on sunday sometimes.I pray daily for God to remember me but i feel down and sometimes ashamed when people think you have a family and you are all single no prospect.This my story.

    • Oh Duchess,
      God bless you for sharing. First and foremost, I want to encourage you to lift up your head. You see, as a good woman, you will get attention from even the wrong men. That’s only natural. I understand that you are probably getting MORE & OBVIOUS attention from the wrong men.
      Remember this: Even the wrong people want the right thing. So if youre the right thing, you will get attention form even the wrong men. That’s ok.
      The “obvious” part comes into play because the wrong men are throwing nets and seeing which fish will bite. The better men are observing first from a distance so you don’t see them as often. It doesn’t mean you are not getting attention from them.
      Keep your head up. Stay lovely and lovable and don’t let the frustration and pressure get to you. LIVE and be FABULOUS at it before he comes. God bless you

  • DPP

    Number 5 was especially poignant. We don’t want to settle either. the point about making or breaking your ministry is powerful. All the points are good. This is something that should be the topic of discussion in a single’s class.

  • Rakkel

    Wow…This is the truth. Thank you, rather challenged by this article .Thank you

  • ypleasant

    This article was very insightful. As a single Christian woman I have run into the issue of a men who aren’t submitted to authority (the I don’t have to answer to anyone attitude) or who haven’t fully committed their lives to God (they’re just attending service and praying every now and again). What would you say I’m regard to dating these men or not dating them? I have chosen to follow the council of my pastors and elders who have said don’t date these type of men. Do you think its OK to dismiss a relationship with these type of men? Or is that being to harsh?

    • Hello YPleasant, Thanks for reading and sharing. Two things (1) They are right…dont get serious with a man you KNOW is not serious with God. However, (2) Be very careful about your definition of what “serious” is. Because a man can still be serious with God even when he doesnt DO faith like YOU are used to. So be careful to use the right compass and measuring stick

  • Palesa

    Honest and straight forward. One should at her own heart and check qualities than checking what a man can do for her. This article is very soul riching

  • EziSA

    Wow this is so true as a beautiful single Christian woman I can relate to all of these points. When I read number one I was like this is me this is exactly what I do. I’m independent beautiful Christian woman and never understood why am I still single when there are God fearing men outh there but now I unders why I’m still single.thanks for the wonderful article

  • Madzibaba Ryan Manyemba

    Proverbs 21:9
    Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
    Proverbs 21:19
    Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

    Proverbs 25:24
    Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

  • Geekgal

    I agree with this article but #8 is interesting to me. I think there is a fine line there. I think, dare I say, *most* women are fine with being led but there MUST be love behind it and not selfishness. My husband of 6 years died 15 months ago and he was not a very good leader in that he was so very selfish. Very little to no compromise. A good leader and a lover takes the wifes feelings and suggestions to heart. Leading is fine but leading with love and respect is critical.

    • Hi there! First of all, I am so very sorry to hear about your husbands death. Those things are never easy. You are absolutely right…that leadership must come with love if we are doing it like Christ. A true leader in Gods eyes is not a dictator but one that can lead in love. I agree!

  • KaptainAmericana

    ………
    Women have urealistic expectation from being raised on TELEVISION Fantasies since childhood.

    90% of Women are completely brainwashed by the Entertainment Industry and do not have a grasp on reality.

    .

    .

  • KaptainAmericana

    ……….
    Not enough desirable single Christian women in New England churches.
    I’m sure it’s different down South.
    All New England has are churches with married and old people.
    Finding a Christian woman that I would want to date is like trying to find a good Japanese comedian.

    .
    .

  • KaptainAmericana

    …………
    MEN:…..
    Get married, and get taken to the cleaners ten years later at the “Family Court” (Probate Court). Do you realize how many guys are flat broke from divorce, child support and alimony?……

    The dirty secret is that there are hundreds of thousands of Dad’s who have to move into a bastement apartment because their finances were wiped out by the “Family Court”. Also, the Courts strip you of being with your children as well.

    .

    .

  • Blessed

    The number 1 hit me and I was like, “How come he’s reading what’s on my mind?” Haha! I was really considering of a man who knows where he’s going, somebody who won’t put me in an unsure situation, someone “stable” in short. I may have always used Abraham’s “by faith he went eventhough he doesn’t know where he’s going” in sermons but I really missed out this point when it comes to relationships. I liked the part when you gave a solution at the end, to choose someone who’s willing to be led by God. Most of relationship talks give out warnings but they don’t give solution in the end.

    I praise God for leading me to this reading. I was greatly blessed. May you continue to inspire seekers as you follow Him.

    • Blessed! Thank you for that perspective! Glad you stopped by!

  • Yoshua

    I am a man and I really enjoyed reading this article, especially reason number one. Finding what God wants me to do has always bothered me since everthing is vague. But one thing I know that I have God to lean on. Thank you 🙂

  • NB

    Hi es
    it’s only today that I come across this article. Yes, I am also concerned that the author has committed thought to paper without first applying his mind on choice of words for some of his points and secondly by having minimal scripture reference.
    I am a man and I am contemplating marriage. In my search for guidance and wisdom, I have come across such great love stories in the bible of how women with standards, choice and qualifying criteria have landed their Boaz, Jacobs and Isaacs.
    I have also come across an immense overload of information on how the MEN should prepare himself for marriage – at times it felt almost like the burden vests only with him. Point one is distorted: A men that follows God is a man that Knows where he is going, therefore, maybe the heading could have read something along the lines of “Women are concerned with finding a man that has an action plan” – in my view that would have been a bite size approach. The example of Abraham is a perfect example in proving that; you do not know where you are going or you do not have a sense of purpose until you MEET God.
    Points 5&6 aren’t meant for a matured woman living in faith. I just find them unnecessary.
    and the issue of leadership/headship of the household should evolve to something more sensible such as understanding the levels and functions of leadership in a home. Man is CEO and wife is COO. Both are equal and have always been (the bible doesn’t even make reference to equity or equality) but the most important thing is FUNCTION. If a Spiritual man articulates a proper vision for his household, the COO will carry out and continually provide feedback about where the household is headed – even that is leadership at a different level and a different function.
    I guess the author needs to re-visit and clarify some aspects with reference to scripture.

  • catherine choo

    Really good articles for men and women! I repented to God after reading this article. It is also very biblical … how I wish I read them earlier ha ha…. keep up the good work! Praise God! 🙂

  • Sydney

    We spend so much time looking for a Biblical man, we forget that we need to be a Biblical woman in order to impress him; so if we ever did find him, we’d pass him by! This was definitely a poke in the ribs! 🙂 I needed to hear it.

  • disqus_FswQBFdn4J

    A friend of mine sent this link to me to read because she knew it was set me off. She’s laughing now. Once I read #2 I refused to read any more because I found it offensive and stereotypical, usually from scorned men. Offensive, Mainly because I am NOT a heavy makeup wearing, weave wearing, push up bra wearing , IG picture posting,spend all of my money on shoes, hair, nails, and bags, nor am I lazy type of woman. Instead I am a degree holding, mortgage paying, 2 car payment paying, all the house bill paying, mow my own lawn, throw down in kitchen cooking, treat myself to whatever gifts I feel that I deserve, good credit score holding, good looking, divorced single mom that knows what she bring to the table and is not afraid to eat alone until I meet a man that CAN BRING WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.

    • Thanks for sharing your thoughts. The article of course was not meant to “set you off” and it certainly wasnt froma “scorned man” lol. I do respect your thoughts and opinions and i have no right to judge you because i havent walked a mile in your shoes. However, i do enourage you to entertain the thought that getting the best man is not about finding a man that “can bring what you bring to the table” ..you see, because marriage is not about “getting” …its about being in a situation where we can each bring all the good things we have to the table, and combine them to create something that God would be proud of. I wish you teh very best on that journey and i look forward to reading more from you

  • Lynnotte

    I think people are watching too much tv! tv has set the standard of how when why and to who we should marry…everything is so materialistic even for us Christians! everyone wants an extravagant wedding, expensive gifts, a well up Husband/Wife…. too much tv people…too much tv!

  • Anonyme

    I read this and felt heavy. If this is a “It’s you who need to change”, “you are the problem” type of thing, that is a shame. It would be more refreshing for both men and women to seek God in order to be better people and adjust their expectations.

  • Ana Twinkle Miranda Danuco

    true i personally seek for people men who makes their pathway of succeeding .
    now i realize i need to look for men who are sincere in following the leading of the Lord.
    “Don’t look for a man who already has the best laid plans. Look for one who knows how to follow directions from the best planner.”
    “For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. Rom 8:14”

  • Screen Siren

    This was just wonderful! I will do my best as a single Christian woman who’s not perfect myself to meditate and be mindful of/on this article!

  • Well, my brother…yes…thats why there is need for prayer and real revelation!

    • NeverWrongAtAll

      You’re so very Right, but many of us Good men keep meeting the Wrong women all the time since the women of today are Nothing at all like the Good old fashioned women were back then. Thank you very much for your support. Peace.

  • Thank you for sharing this information. I prayed about my desire to be married to a God fearing man and then I found this article!!

  • Hello Claudia,
    Great question. Ok …first of all, I want to commend your attempts to be very courteous in letting him down easy and even going as far as to have a one on one conversation. At this point, you don’t need to force a conversation, a friendship, or anything for that matter. If you like him as a friend, great but if you are not REALLY interested in being his friend, the n don’t try to be his friend out of guilt of not wanting to date him. Him saying he wants to “guard his heart” is almost basically him saying “ I don’t want to engage too much with you or open up to you or be vulnerable to you because that will make me even more emotionally attached to you and you obviously don’t want that …which means ill get hurt”. And you know what Claudia….thats ok. Step back a bit form that relationship. Let him be and let him know that youre doing it because you are “respecting” his decision to guard his hear and that if he is able to be your just your friend, he has a friend and that you just want to give him breathing space.

  • HS

    First of all, I want to commend you that I’m pleasantly surprised by this writing and the one written for men, for the most part. Neither came across as mean-spirited–writing to men is almost always overloaded with disdain, condemnation, and “prove your worth as you are currently worthless” undertones, especially in contrast to writing to women.

    You make some great solid and thoughtful comments. I’m not sure exactly how much I agree, but I think you’ve contributed something very good in the grand scheme of things.

    I must correct one of your statements however. Man was not “created to lead,” and I don’t mean that in the way you might think. I won’t quote it here, but reading 1 Corinthians 11:3 and onward shows the order of headship, and one of the statements is “man was not made for woman, but woman for man.” This is obvious of course, as Eve’s very existence is owed to Adam needing a helper suitable.

    Likewise, Christ’s church (his “bride”) was made for Christ. Jesus was not made for the church. And, that is an important thought to take captive–do we treat God as if He exists for us, rather than vice-versa?

    What I’m getting at is that any suggestion that man was made for woman is exactly like suggesting that Christ and God the Father were made for the church. The church (i.e. men, ordinally God’s “woman”) was made for Christ and submits to him and his purposes, and loved by Christ. Likewise, woman was made for man, submitting to him and his purposes, and loved by man.

    This may sound like a slight nitpick, but our understanding of this is quite vital. As I said, as a church, we are likewise required to understand that our heavenly master does not exist for our purposes in any way, shape or form, but vice-versa. Where we are acknowledging that husband and wife are like Christ and the church, we cannot fail to watch ourselves to understand the same principle at work in that regard also.

    With MUCH respect to you, sir. You mention being rather deviant in your tone of writing and I can see that. You would find my blog if you are so inclined to take a look. 😉

  • Lei Angelique

    Thank you for sharing this article. 🙂 <3

  • James

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! So many Christian women have based my worth on what career I have and on how much money I have. I hear so many Christian women saying “I’m looking for my Boaz,” which is really just a nice Christian way of saying “I want to marry a man for his money.” And they claim that there are no available men in the church today. For years, I have pleaded with God for a good career opportunity so that I can be worth something to a woman. But I’ve realized that my worth is in Christ, not in a career. Christian women may shun me because I don’t fit their idea of “God’s best,” but I know I am worth a lot to Jesus. And the way I see it, if a woman doesn’t want to be there with me during my failures and struggles, then she doesn’t deserve to be there with me during my success.

  • Zachary Harvey

    Good day all, I wanted to just write a quick thank you to the author who took the time to write this by the power of the Holy Spirit, it was really edifying brother! As a 26 year old single disciple of Jesus Christ I just wanted to say to all the single Christian sisters and brothers, Keep Your Hopes Up! I dabbled for many years in the “oh I’m single and depressed state” but this past year and a half the Lord allowed me to truly see how beautiful single life is with Him. I’m able to serve Him that much more for the time being and really witness Jesus making me into the godly man He wants me to be for my godly wife one day. Don’t worry God Almighty loves each and every one of you so much that He has someone prepared for you, but take the time today not to dwell in that sadness of loneliness. Instead, take the time today to grow and bear spiritual fruit according to His will by faith in Jesus and the power of the Holy Ghost. Take this time and pray for your future godly wife/husband, pray that they to are growing into the godly person the Lord wants them to be. Pray without ceasing that you can be that godly husband and lead your home by God’s word (The Bible and the Holy Ghost-Together). Godly women, pray without ceasing to be that godly wife, to in all ways support your husband’s ministry, to love him especially when he messes up (trust me, us guys, we will mess up haha). Well thanks again my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for all the great comments written, fight the good fight, don’t give the devil an inch (especially in loneliness), if you feel lonely take it to God (pray all the more, submit to Him, read your Bible’s and pray every single day). God bless.

    • Zachary thank so very much for that comment!!! Deep stuff! God bless

  • Lisa

    “The moment we think we are interested in you, we are telling someone and we are asking around about you….and we are asking our MALE friends/mentors.”

    I totally disagree with this because I believe that REAL men should go directly to the woman, instead of asking someone else about her. Why do men do this? That’s like listening to gossip and rumors about someone that may or may not be true. The people he’s asking about her don’t know how she is when she’s not in their sight, and they could be jealous, judgmental or something else. As a man, he will get better answers from her than asking others about her. In case you don’t know, church people tend to judge others as well.

    • Hello Lisa,
      Thanks for chiming in! So you are right. One would assume that a man would get all the REAL information directly from the woman he is interested in…and logically, its also true that the people being asked may be biased, jealous and all that. However, this is not a “man” problem. Women do it to…but sometimes in an even worse fashion. Because women don’t want to put it out there to other women that she is interested, she doesn’t ask but makes those same judgments about the man herself without asking him for the real story. She goes based on her “impression”. Also many men (and women) would also say that it is very difficult to get a REAL picture from many women at first…that women are a bit more mysterious (intentionally) . Some would even say that it is easier to read a man than a woman,…..that with a man, what you see is closer to what you get.
      Lastly, the solution or the point of maturity isn’t whether you should ask around or not. The maturity (on both sides) comes in being able to properly manage the information you get and not be carried away by neither positive or negative heresy. That means if a man chooses to ask around, he still reserves the final analysis till he interacts with her; and if a woman has a n impression about a man, she hold off the status stamp till she interacts.
      Great comment

  • Jackie Hamm

    I have a issue with the whole waiting on Boaz thing. God never promised a woman a Boaz number one. He said a man who finds a wife obtains favor from the Lord. It seems like Christians start throwing stuff that’s not in the Word to take the focus off what the scripture actually says. Why settle for Boaz when God is preparing Charles, or Larry or whoever that He says is suppose to Love His wife like Christ Loves His Church.. Love his Wife like He Loves himself. Treat his wife like the weaker vessel.. (for her protection).. be the head of his household.. Boaz was for Ruth and yes he loved her but he didn’t possess what Jesus did is what I’m saying.. It’s enough trying to get a marriage together without the extra expectations.. Wait on Jesus to pick your mate..

  • Mitch

    Well it’s true Lulu, and your response only confirms it more. Maybe men are tired of all of these “Christian” women whining about being single, while they refuse to look inside themselves as to finding the reason why. And I quote you “What is wrong with a woman knowing that she’s the prize; the one to get?” – if you can’t figure that out, you don’t deserve a godly man.

  • Matt

    #3 made me so happy inside. I’m a dude, and this is the thing I don’t get about many females–they want an opposite to “even them out,” so much so that can even sometimes lead to a domineering, abusive relationship because he is the “authority figure.” My parents were this, and this is the norm, and it’s the norm that also doesn’t work. I don’t want an opposite to complete me, I’m already complete in Him, if I need a person to complete me, it will ruin my faith.
    Although, I think this refers more to what we like to do, and this is also important. The way I see it, is I don’t want to ever have a chance for divorce, so I tend to look for women who have a lot in common, because I view it this way: If we were alive at 90, could I still sit down and enjoy spending time with this person?” If the answer is no, I’m wasting my time and yours.

  • Barbara Palmer

    I enjoyed reading this article a lot, and it helped me put some things relevant to a recent relationship I had or almost had with an almost but not quite Boaz, David, or Joseph kind of man. My Christian brother has many wonderful qualities, however, his biggest issues were saying one thing and not doing it, not communicating when appropriate based on his own verbalized standard, and lack of follow through, and planning dates together only to not show up or call, then apologized after the fact and explained that he wants to but is having a hard time breaking out of his being single comfort zone.

    I decided to end the so-called relationship yesterday, because of his pattern of planning dates and telling me what he was going to do, and what he wanted us to be doing, with no follow-through or call. Which I believe is rude, immature, and insensitive. Later, after a no show no call event, he’d tell me that he needs to do better, and that he was really crazy about me, and how he believes I am the real thing in terms of a good woman of God, but he’d say “I am not used to sharing my alone time.” We discussed and planned about a dozen dates that never happened over a course of six weeks. That time period included my birthday, Thanksgiving, weekends, days off from work during the week and weekends, etc. We managed to go out on 4 dates, 2 planned, 2 were impromptu – usually over a meal.

    No movies, recreational or sporting events, church events, or visiting, even though we talked about going bowling, out to play tennis, getting together to play cards, watching a movie at my place or his or at the theater, watching a football or basketball game, going to church, etc.

  • Jen Smith

    You don’t think men have always gossiped? I do.

    Gossip is a cruel attempt to attain power. The context of it varies as does the means, but I think that it has always occurred. Men can be downright mean and cruel in their directness and hateful judgement, just as women can.

  • Jen Smith

    I agree that we shouldn’t swallow all that we hear. Absolutely.

  • Jen Smith

    I relate to your concerns. Some of the Christian culture’ treatments of women have been horrid, as bad in some cases as what fundamentalist Islam does. I meet people in churches, sadly in increasing number, who think that the Bible gives a man authority over any woman.

    As for the author Tobi, the article he wrote about his perspectives on why Christian men aren’t finding their Ruth, and so on, expresses his awareness that there are men who try to control women. Maybe you already read it, but if you haven’t read it, it may speak to your concerns a little.

    I don’t really get the submission thing. Most healthy couples who speak of it then give examples of their mutual submission.

    It is good that you are careful. God made you with a good purpose and value. No man should squash that.

  • Jen Smith

    Interesting & useful food for thought. I never thought of dating as a search for a Boaz, David or Joseph. I never met a guy named Boaz, married or single. Went out with a guy or two named David. ‘Have dated a “regular Joe.” Lol. I’m just “funnin'” with you.

    In a less literal approach, I suppose that these men have characteristics a woman could admire. I just don’t think of it like that: oh, he’s X-Y-Z like Boaz, or A-B-C like David. I see in these men character traits that I should, and should not, emulate.

    In dating, I am concerned with how a guy treats me.

  • Marti Taylor

    I enjoyed reading this article and it is very insightful. I kept reading hoping to find something I didn’t already know..(Keep in mind I’m almost 50 and have relationship experience..)… I honestly did not qualify under any of the topics UNTIL the topic of wanting (or not wanting) to be led. Although I have prayed for men to get back to being the spiritual leaders of their homes, I’m very vocal about praying for our men but I had to put this in practice and did not even realize that I was not trusting him to lead until he pointed out to me that I jumped ahead of him to make a decision. in this case I was asking directions to somewhere that he clearly did not know where the location was. I did that twice within a couple of days and he broke up with me because of it. He did not let on that it was a problem until he broke up with me. So, I never got the chance to work on the problem. BUT it does make me aware that in todays society and being a single mom, having to lead in my home for so long, being put in leadership positions at work and church, and so much of my ministry work has been with men who are homeless, addicted, etc… And I’m the one picking them up for church, feeding them in the shelter lines, giving them direction on how to get back on their feet…… You see the problem? So, we broke up a little over a week ago and I got on line trying to find something that touched on how women balance the roles of being a submissive woman to her man against all the leadership roles that she has been put in or ministered through to men. I’ve been wanting to find the kind of man you have described in your article and I want desperately to give him the reigns of Godly leadership in the home, etc… FInding one thats willing to do that has been slim to none and these are men in the church. The biggest thing being that these men do not honor God in all areas of their life, meaning sexually…. They are all about God until that area and all of a sudden they act like they have no more morals than someone I would pick up in a bar. So we got men asking for strong Godly women but then are not willing to lead us in HIS ways when they get us.
    Anyway, I really do want to find the balance and not run off anymore guys who could very well fill the Godly leadership role as husband. So, I’ve been praying for the Holy Spirit to reveal this to me and lead me to mentors in this area. And I would love to get a group of women together when I get more insight on this to spread the word. No doubt there are a lot of women that need this insight too. Let me know if you have any recommendations. My e-mail is mtaylor1994@yahoo.com. Thanks

  • TheHonestTruth

    Well i can certainly BLAME the women out there why a very GOOD man like me is still SINGLE today and NOT by choice at all since the women of today are really NOTHING at all like the GOOD old fashioned women were.

  • Carolina Sander

    It is a great article. I have a wonderful time reading it. Well, looking for a man of God to love you, you must be that woman of God who loves yourself too. Christian men are not so hard to find but only those that are real. Please let me share this funny stuff from fakeababy and I will let you know it will make your day. It is called the fake Ultrasound design. Yes its fake and it will burst your laughter all day.

  • TheAbsoluteTruth

    Then again there are many of us Good Single men out there that Can really Blame the women of today why we really are Single today since many of us are certainly Not Single by choice.

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  • Reality

    It is just too bad that many of us Good single men Weren’t Born at a much Earlier Time since finding Love years ago was so much Easier the way that our family members had it since it was so much Easier for them at that time.

  • Lisa Brown

    WOW! AWESOME READ! I really enjoyed this blog, I think it’s about time a man spoke on this topic. It’s really helpful and encouraging. It also helps us to do a self-check and get our hearts and minds together before our Adam comes for us 😉

  • Amber Dawn Pullen

    While all of these are good points, I think its important to acknowledge that many women are actually selling themselves short in their hopes for marriage. There are a lot of women who are so drought-minded in their wish for a spouse that they are essentially down to looking for a male Christian boss/roommate instead of a real husband. I have to admit, in my current life circumstances, recently finished graduate school, there are *no* Christian men in my age group in my church and social circles and its easy to feel like any drop of water would do as long as it is really water. But I’m not just any dry leaf looking for water. It is so important to be enamored with my God, working hard for His glory and enjoyment, joyful to run to Him first in everything. Otherwise I tell myself that the best I can hope for is a Christian boss/ roommate who won’t tyrranize or abuse me while he thinks “meh- good enough” about leading me. I already have a Saviour. Anything this side of hell is abundance, for sure. But as a flesh and blood daughter chosen by a Soveriegn King, I shouldn’t give into the level of potential distraction from God’s glory that comes with marriage (as Paul discussed) for anyone who isn’t honored with the calling to guide *me specifically* toward glory.

  • I do not agree but I am also a woman from Sweden with other experiences but I have also lived in USA for 6 years. I have waited for a man of God and I have been active in my search for 15 years. It seems that all men in the church is only to find a wife with his worldly eyes. Men who say they are a man of God mostly want a much younger woman than himself. I was for 15 years a nice looking woman but not wear sexy clothes or made me sexy to grab a man. I was waiting for a man who looked behind the mortal body and looked in who I AM for REAL and not what the covering looked like. I am complete now and am a REAL Prophet and HEALER. I have NEVER wanting to preach and I think my husband should do it when only assist him and I have told men this but still have I not find a man and God have given me men but they have not obeyed God and picked another woman closer to them. Many women when notice that a man is soon to be taken trap the man as she is there where he is and make him marry her instead than me. I have told men that I can move and I have my own money but I think they not believe it as it is rare. I am going to be in USA for 2 months this winter and hope to walk in to my husband this winter 2016.

  • Su

    First of all, you made me laugh. Brutal honesty is the best way to get people to wake up. Really enjoyed reading this! What a way to get into a woman’s brain 🙂

  • ellen

    Comparing women to “prizes”…or anyone for that matter is degrading and dehumanizing. Humans are not possessions to be owned. When making a comment like that, I thought of slavery or something. Literally. It’s normal for traffickers to refer to their victims as “prizes.”

  • Rebecca

    As a single Christian woman I have finally conceded to give up my dating life to Christ. If a man is not submissive to God…then I move on. I used to have the ‘missionary dating’ mentality that I could make him into a better Christian and make him follow Christ more closely but that just left me bitter and unhappy because that is not my place. So…I decided to listen, quietly and closely, to God and hone in on what He is telling me about any man i date or even just talk to. If I dont get the green light from God…if we cannot talk about the importance of walking together with Him…then I stop talking with him. The man that God has for me will already be pursuing God…fully. I will not have to convince him of how important it is to be in a close relationship with God. I will not have to convince him to wait until we get married to have sex. I will not have to convince him that putting Christ above all else is what we are called to do. He will already be telling me all of this. I agree with the article about a man not having it all together and I am looking for that man LOL My only qualification is that he is following Christ and is able to lead me…when I tell guys this they arent able to process it…and they say what else are you looking for? But honestly if a man is following God closely enough to lead me closer to God…that is what I am looking for- everything else is just a bonus.

  • Willburg

    Hmm, in my experience I have had girls approach me at church and gossip about how another man dared compliment them or ask them out. She would usually call them creepy and insult them. Later(like the author talked about) when another guy would ask if she was God fearing, nice and caring, I and many other dudes would beg them to look for greener pastures. The girls would stay single for yet another year as both dudes (great christian men) found someone else. Sounds like immaturity doesn’t pay.

  • marcie

    I am a divorced woman over 55 who would love to find God,s best for me. In the meantime, my job is to strenghthen and mature my identity in Christ with the help of the Holy Spirit. I want to find God,s choice, love him, encourage him and submit in Godliness to him. Thank you for writing the article that I have been looking for for years and writing things that I needed to hear. When the right one finds me I want to be ready to be found and worthy of the gentleman.

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  • To many women do not have a testimony with men

  • ZekeMastadon

    This is kind of bs… TBH. I think if a chick is a vain idiot then maybe yes it could be true. But not everyone is.

    How about being a single Christian in a city where most people are NOT Christian. You go to churches, with other young people, but only about half or less follow God.

    Less people from that number have gone to school to get a degree and could financially afford even a room to rent or be able to support a family– even with a woman working.

    Then the immaturity level. Why is it that guys stick their heads in the sand nowadays and are scared to even TALK to girls? Is it because they are on Tindr? Oh wait yeah..because SEX addiction is the biggest problem in supposed Christian circles.

    We aren’t talking about these things…nope women are somehow to blame in your article.

    • Hi ZekeMastadon!
      First of all, thanks for taking the time to comment. This is a sensitive topic and I Know that there will be multiple opinions on the matter.

      It’s important for me to say that I agree with everything you have said (that’s not a typo) about many of the underlying issues that plague the Christian single experience, that may make it difficult for a woman to find her “Boaz” – Living in a city where most people are NOT Christian, people who don’t follow God, Income difficulties, maturity issues and shy men. Yes… are all issues but so are the ones that I have written about.

      This article is not to say that the points mentioned therein are the only valid ones. They are not written invalidate others, and the points you mentioned don’t invalidate the ones I wrote about.

      Men have a lot of issues but we would simply be unwise to think that women don’t too. Hopefully that makes sense.
      I am not sure if you noticed but I wrote the flip side to address issues that men have. Its a great read too. Its here: http://ijustmetme.com/2014/07/11-reasons-you-may-not-know-why-single-christian-men-cant-find-their-ruth-esther-or-mary/

      Thanks again for sharing. I truly appreciate the dialogue and the exchange of ideas.

  • Fran

    This is an awesome article!!! I will be sharing ot for sure

  • TGBG

    Great article! Very insightful

  • gekkoii

    I’m going to do a bit of bubble bursting here. Most Christian men do not behave in ways that are attractive to women. I know this because I target christian women for sexual encounters, and succeed more often than not. Women in their 20s who are frustrated looking for Mr. Right and whose biological clocks are starting to tick. So I watch Christian men and they’re pathetic. No woman on earth is attracted to a beta male. The women are not to blame for the fact that modern christian men do not act like men.

  • Michelle Henry

    Thank you for the insight. It was truly enlightening