Unmarried Christians Underestimate This ONE Thing Before Marriage…and Many Pay Dearly For it

couples-hands-in-sunlight
You know what? Unmarried Christians (and even Newlyweds) are actually trying really hard to get as much information as possible about this marriage thing. They are attending relationship events and conferences, they are reading books, listening to podcasts, and eating up relationship videos on YouTube. Many Christian singles are putting in the effort and many churches are doing their best to meet the demand by putting these types of events together. I travel quite a bit to speak at these events and get to see firsthand the desire of unmarried Christians and even Newlyweds to be educated on the matter and I can tell you that we need to continue to have them. But there is a HUGE problem here…

So what’s the problem? What’s missing?

These events…in their current nature are not enough to prepare you for the marriage you really want.

Again, I get to speak to thousands of people every year at these events and I started to realize that

 People are OVERinformed about FINDING the one, and UNDERprepared about BEING the one.
Tobi Atte 

They have attended so many singles events and relationship events that its all becoming a blur.

More specifically, the problem with these events and activities is that:

  • They don’t have enough time to really get into transformative elements so they are informative at best
  • They focus on the WHAT (what to do, not do to, what to look for, what it takes to have a great relationship, what to ignore, what it takes to find the one or be the one , what God wants and doesn’t want etc) but not enough on the HOW (HOW to do or not do, HOW to have a great relationship, HOW to become a great partner, HOW to be the one that God can give a good spouse to and HOW to develop yourself to be a worthy partner FOR the one)
  • Most don’t have a guided structure that participants can follow to internalize and practice the information received.
  • Most events don’t have support for follow up support so that attendees and participants can continue to engage and get help on the topics discussed.
  • Most events teach singles how to be good singles and how to GET married….but don’t actually teach singles about how to BE married and how to become the best partner possible

So what’s the ONE thing Unmarried Christians underestimate before marriage and end up paying dearly for?

I call it “Self Transforming Preparation”

So what exactly is that and why is it important?

I define Self Transformative Preparation as the process by which Unmarried Christian singles (and Newlyweds) take the information they get, and apply it to the point where they transform and begin to see changes in not just thinking but behavior.

It’s something that singles ignore but pay dearly for when they get married. They get super informed but don’t invest in or get enough change to actually apply the stuff they learn in a structured guided environment.

Why is it important?

IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN MARRIAGE!

Its the difference between going into marriage INFORMED and going into marriage TRANSFORMED!

Its the difference between going into marriage INFORMED and going into marriage PREPARED!

Many are under the assumption that if you just follow all the rules of being a Christian single, it automatically gets you the great marriage you want even if you don’t develop yourself in that area. So we are having Christian singles who were perfect at being Christian singles but are lost at being Christian married couples.

Information is not enough!

Look…how much information do you have about eating right and making healthy choices? Yet…look at your diet.

How much information do you have about the importance of let’s say…..reading your Bible? And yet…how is that going.

Information is simply not enough!

In the body of Christ, I have come to see that we delay the training of marriage to when people are married…but I think that’s too late. I strongly believe that Christian singles need to start getting taught to become people who can function well in marriage.

Even courtship is not enough to do the trick because most singles are not following any structured training or learning curriculum during courtship that will help them be great partners for each other.

So what do you do and how do you begin to resolve this?

This doesn’t mean that you should stop going to relationship events and seeking out information. It simply means that you should be mindful to seek out opportunities to transform yourself by looking for ways to APPLY what you learn.

As an unmarried Christian, (and even Newlywed) you should be really investing developing yourself not just to be able to successfully enter marriage but also how to properly transition and manage marriage. You should be intentionally seeking out that transformation so you can properly transition into marriage. Start looking for opportunities to learn how to function in marriage.

Not only will it help you do just that, it will most certainly help you in the very selection process of who to marry. So start looking for opportunities to get relationship transformation not just information.

Hope that helps! In the next few weeks, there will be more on this so stay close :o)

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  • Nice post.
    I came to this realization when I read a post sometimes ago.
    Anyone seeking to marry has to go on a journey of self examination and self improvement.

    Basically, you have to be the person, that the person who has the requirements you want in marriage ,would also like to marry. So if you want a God fearing, hardworking, kind man or woman, you have to ask yourself if you yourself are Godfearing, hardworking, kind person. Chances are that he/ she who has that characteristics will not want to marry a slacker, who doesn’t love God,or isn’t kind.
    You have to ask, will I marry myself, if I were the opposite sex?