Most People May Not Find True Love…Here’s Why

Fireplace feet
Let’s get something straight. I want you to find true love. I hope you do. In fact, God wants you to find true love.
It’s important. It is a noble thing to desire and look for. But…even though many want it, most people won’t find it.
Now…that said, it’s important to say this. Even if one…or two…or all the following points apply to you now, they don’t have to apply to you permanently.
Take the information. Think. Think deeply about how you have navigated life as it pertains to the matters of the heart, and make the adjustments necessary.
I say this because there are so many people who have been hurt, frustrated, and in so much residual (and often unconscious) emotional pain, that they have now started to work against themselves when it comes to finding true love.

I want you to know that you are not at the end…that there is hope… you must not give up on that dream of true love…BUT you cant live in a bubble.

Here are some reasons why you may not find the “true” love you seek.

1) You think you deserve it because you’ve been hurt before:

It may be hard to admit but it is true for most people who have been hurt before. You feel that enough is enough. You feel like you need to catch a break from what seems like consistent heartbreak and disappointment. You feel like being rescued for once. So…without even knowing, you start to work against yourself.

-Your frustration from past experiences increases the height of your defensive wall
-Your expectations of people skyrockets as a defense mechanism and you tell yourself that this is the way to sift through the useless people. So if someone is not perfect right from the very start, you let them go…when in actuality, we are designed to bring out the best in each other.

Hate to break it to you but it is fear that is now at work – Basically, you start looking for perfect love, in fear. It can’t work

Even the Bible says that “perfect love casts out all fear”.

Your past pain does not make you deserving of love now. It should. It would be more romantic and sound better if I said it does… but it doesn’t. It is HOW well you handle your past pain that opens that door to true love for you in the future.

2) You don’t know how to show love unless it’s being shown to you…so you violate the very meaning of it:

You are always holding back…waiting for him to prove his eternal commitment to you before you let your guard down even a bit. Or you are always trying to see how “far” she will go with you to prove she loves you before you commit to really caring about her and even treating her with respect.

It even goes as far as not wanting to “work” in relationships. That’s when you start thinking:
“I’ve put so much work in past relationships that didn’t work. Someone else should put the work in me for a while”
Do you see how that could be sabotaging to the very thing you want?

Here is the thing though… in true love…at the height of it, we are to get to the point of being able to show love even when it is not being returned the way we would like all the time.

If your default mode is not to initiate/show love but only to “reward” love (meaning you are really good at showing it AFTER someone has shown it to you) then you are not positioned to find the “true” love you seek.

3) You are punishing potential lovers for the sins of past lovers:

Here is one big reason why: Because the ones in the past never truly apologized. They didn’t help you get closure.

This is straight forward. It is pain speaking.

Wouldn’t it be great if past boyfriends or girlfriends really owned up to their mistakes with you and gave you a heartfelt apology to help you move on? Yes. But it doesn’t always happen.

I spoke to a lady once who was divorced and was carrying a type of pain about the relationship for 10 years. It wasn’t the pain of losing the marriage. She survived well. It was the pain and anger that he knew how much he hurt her but did not own up to any of it.

This can be really painful.

Look… you have to move on. You have to understand that not everyone has the courage to own what they did and give a heartfelt apology.
This pain is what causes good men to turn into players and users after they are hurt by a woman they loved.
This pain is what causes good women to look down at men, man-bash, and character assassinate at every chance.

But you see,

Even though the pain that causes the behavior is legitimate, the behavior still works against them …and it could be working against you.

4) You haven’t forgiven yourself for your past:

It’s one thing to wait for the apology of someone else and not get it. It’s another thing to wait for your own forgiveness and not get it.

You know what I am talking about…when you beat yourself emotionally to a pulp that there is barely anything left to ignite a spark with someone else.
*How could I have been so stupid?
*How come I didn’t see that coming?
*I was such a fool!
*I will never let this happen to me again!

You tell yourself these things and sooner than later, you begin to subconsciously believe those things about yourself. You start to protect yourself from yourself.

Sure… you tell everyone else that you are single because you haven’t found the right one but deep down it’s because in that one area of the heart, you have convinced yourself that you can’t make good decisions….so you avoid it.

You NEED to forgive yourself for those past decisions.

Now you know how to look deeper. Now you know how to think better. Forgive yourself, OWN those past mistakes and MOVE ON.

Oh…and if you can’t forgive yourself, how in the world will you learn to forgive others?

If you can’t forgive yourself, how in the world will you learn to forgive others?

Trust yourself again.

5) You are too self-reliant:

Yup. “Ah ka doo eeet baa maaa sefff” lol.

Don’t get me wrong..I am not saying you should not know how to take care of yourself in all areas. I’m not talking about that.  I am saying that when you consistently run away from receiving help or asking for it or being vulnerable, that works against true love.

You don’t like asking for help…God forbid you look vulnerable…God forbid you are the one that needs a shoulder to cry on or vent on… You are always strong…always planned out.

If that’s you, you might be working against yourself when it comes to true love.

How so? Because

True love requires vulnerability.

In true love, two people feel they are each other’s safe place. A haven. A place of safety.
If you only know how to be depended on for that safe place but don’t know how to depend on others for that, you may not find true love.

6) You are looking for a singleness/purity payout.

This is especially for Christian singles. Somewhat similar to the very first point, it’s when you are unconsciously behaving as though you should be rewarded for being single all these years.

Like someone should treat you better than normal because you stayed a virgin or didn’t have sex all these years. Like you automatically deserve to a fantastic relationship now just because you’ve been all those things as a single.

You forget that you “Waited to have sex…waited to date and achieved all those other “Godly single metrics” primarily for YOURSELF and for GOD and not for this person. You did those things because they were the right things for YOU to do.

You forget that it was all by his grace. The waiting to have sex… the waiting to date…pursuing God while you waited …it was ALL by the grace of God.

No other human being can attempt to repay you back for those things…and you should not try to lord your “good singleness performance” over someone.
It will make you prideful …and:

True love is found in HUMILITY …not PRIDE.

7) You are looking for the one who will love you perfectly…instead of looking for a partner with whom you will create the perfect love you seek.

This perfect Eden of love that we all want is not a place you simply arrive at because of how well you picked a spouse. It’s a place both people work to create. It’s like starting a business with someone. You don’t get a great business because of how great one of you is.

Both people have to understand the vision…must bring unique skills to the business, understand the basics, know the customer, be kind to their employees, know the product/service and so on. In other words, the business does not get great because of the arrival of both people to the scene. They have to work to create this thing.

You won’t find that place of “true love” unless you are willing to work at it and work to create it.

8) You have a warped sense of masculinity or feminism:

Specifically, this is when you are overly simplistic about either of these.

Like as a woman, thinking that feminism only means an equal role in everything in a relationship. That will deny you the opportunities to take on the things in the relationship that you have been uniquely blessed and designed to thrive in more than your man. You can be a feminist and lead areas of the home and submissive too.

Or as a man, thinking that masculinity only means leading in everything and controlling everything. That will deny you the relief you need from the woman in your life and make you miss out on all the greatness God has put in her and the help she was designed to bring. Truth is, you can be all masculine and lead areas of the home and be submissive too.

Neither of these have to be absolutes.

If you are looking for true love, you can’t be too narrow-minded about either of these because the love you seek cannot function when your relationship serves as your platform for your feminist movement or your masculine pride.

This is not to say that these things are not important. It is simply to say that: the right relationship for you is one where you DON’T have to have a feminist movement office or a branch of the masculine pride preservation movement in your relationship. If you have to, something is wrong with the relationship.

Let me say it this way.

The true love you seek will require you as a man to be that safe place for a woman where she doesn’t have to fight to be seen as equally important as a woman and it will require you as a woman to be that safe place for a man where he doesn’t have to struggle or turn to domination or aggression to be validated as a man.

So..what now? Where do you go from here?

a) Work on HEALING your heart
b) Learn to INITIATE love
c) Get CLOSURE by yourself
d) FORGIVE yourself
e) Understand that RECEIVING HELP IS NOT WEAKNESS. Vulnerability is essential for true love
f) Don’t take CREDIT for GOD’S work in your life.
g) Look for a perfect PARTNER not perfect love
h) Be OPEN when it comes to your idea of gender roles

So…what do you think?

Comment below!
God bless!

  • Bukie

    2 & 5 speaks deeply to me…thanks for this

    • Hey Bukie! Thanks for sharing. Yea those are two really important ones. At least now you are aware and can start working on them. God bless!

  • Vuvu

    what an awesome article. It really reveals that we can be our own worst enemies without being aware and because we aren’t aware we will continue blaming the world. I love number 7 & 8. It is indeed true that you just need to find a partner that speaks your love language and you guys can create the life you want. I also love the advice that there doesn’t need to be absolute gender roles but as a couple you need to feed off each others strengths and make it work for you.

    • Hey Vuvu! Thanks for chiming in! Absolutely! Those two are especially important and most people dont think of them. I love how you put it “as a couple you need to feed off each other’s strengths and make it work for you” Thanks again

  • Sherie

    Ouch! (Thank you Tobi.)

  • Betsy Darcy

    “and it will require you as a woman to be that safe place for a man where he doesn’t have to struggle or turn to domination or aggression to be validated as a man.”

    Ummmm ….no!!! It is not a woman’s responsibility to prevent a man from turning to domination or aggression to be validated.

    What kind of culture do you come from that you would imply any responsibility for physical abuse against a woman to be on the woman? Or do I have three guesses and the first two don’t count?.

    Sorry discerning waaasy toooo much wrong here….

    There are other programs that teach better and yield more. You don’t have to compromise…

    • Hi Betsy! Thank you so much for contributing to the conversation. Your thoughts and opinions are always welcome.
      It is important that we get some things correct about this so you get the proper understanding of the context I speak from:
      1) You clearly ONLY and directly interpreted that, and speak of it from the angle of “physical domination and aggression” (which I in no way whatsoever condone) however, i wasnt even talking about that. I was talking about it from an emotional and behavioral standpoint. (You know….wanting to be controlling, wanting to have the last say, being selfish with decisions etc)
      2)Emotional aggression is actually not a “male” problem it is a human problem. That means that it is very possible (often time even more likely ) for a woman to use emotional aggression when she is not feeling validated as a woman too.
      3) In your comment, you completely left out the other (and first) part of that statement that balances the thought and ensures the emotional and physical safety of the woman. “The true love you seek will require you as a man to be that safe place for a woman where she doesn’t have to fight to be seen as equally important as a woman…” If you reread that and read the statements together as they were written, you’ll see that there is no place in it for physical aggression …AT ALL.

      I understand that this may have triggered a pain/frustration point in you and I can tell its something you are passionate about. We are on the same side here about a man having no reason to be physically aggressive towards a woman.
      However, it is important to understand (and that was a central point of that section) that BOTH the man and the woman have important roles to play in CREATING the kind of partner and relationship they want…and that includes treating them in a way that will prevent EITHER person from “acting out” in an attempt to have inner needs met.

      Thanks again for commenting Betsy! Comments like this help to open up those deeper conversations that are needed!

      • Betsy Darcy

        You are correct, Tobi, that it is something I am passionate about. I was married to a man that exhibits atleast 75 % to 80% of the symptoms of NPD, (narcissistic personality disorder) for over three decades. A spouse will get frustrated trying to change in all the ways possible to bring out the best in such a person, but it isn’t going to happen. No matter how hard you try and work with a narcissist, it just isn’t going to happen. This has been proven over and over again. Society as a whole is getting more and more selfish. And although the “professionals” claim only 1-5 % are diagnosed with NPD , there are so many more that are exhibiting the symptoms of NA (narcissistic abuse) with sever ptsd and cptsd… Victims of NA do need to be choosy, and should never compromise to be with another, but should seek healing first. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but victims of NA might not be helped by your program, but instead may end up with more of the same and enabling their abuser…But for those who haven’t been through that…God bless..

        • Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. wow. wow. wow. I am so sorry you went through that. I pray that you find the strength, love and peace to truly live your best self today and always.
          Yes…the issue of narcissistic abuse is a serious issue and those people need serious help and even more so the people they abuse. The article wasnt written in the context of responding to abuse and I quite agree that people who have been though that need a lot more than an article or the scope of this article.
          That said, this article does sit on a universal truth (take note to understand the “context” here) and that is that we as individuals always have a role to play in the outcomes of our lives and relationships…that we must be strong and look within always. That while others may be abusers or hurters, we must learn to look within for strength…not to make excuses for them or to blame only ourselves, but to look within to see how we got “here” , how we must “live” here and if we are getting out, how to move on…in a way that will sustain our joy AND prevent the baggage from being imported into the next relationship (for example, becoming the very thing we hated in the previous person).
          Once again Betsy, thank you. Let me also say this…Man to Woman. You are precious…you are wonderfully made. No man or creature can reduce your value. Others may treat you less than, but your value in Gods eyes has never reduced. You are not less than me. I honor you ….i respect you and I pray that God blesses you. :o)

          • Betsy Darcy

            Thank you Tobi!!

          • Deborah Reece

            People need to follow the leading if Holy Spirit and not jump blindly into marriage. Also I think you have to know someone a year to see their true nature. Also a lot of women marry men who do not put God first or follow the Spirit. The signs are always there but women ignore red flags as I’m sure the lady above did.

        • Deborah Reece

          Whatever you call it your husband was not seeking God or trying to deal with his issues through the power of the Holy Spirit. He didn’t want help and you probably wanted to get married so you ignored his issues.

  • Tee

    What do you mean by ‘Learn to initiate Love?

    Are suggesting there is nothing wrong in a woman taking the first step to approach a guy she likes?

    • Hey Tee!
      This is not necessarily talking about initiating a relationship with a guy. It is talking about not holding back until someone proves their love, before you show love. Its about being able to care for someone before they care for you. As a lady, it especially speaks to being able to be courteous and caring towards a man even if you are not interested in a relationship (or even if you are). It’s about not always being in reward mode where you intentionally hold back until people prove themselves to you. The truth is that if everybody did that, there’d be no relationships.