11 Reasons (you may not know) Why Single Christian Men Can’t Find Their Ruth, Esther or Mary

I recently wrote the “Women’s” version of this article and it resonated with a lot of people. I think that happened because the information was presented with fresh perspectives that struck a nerve.  If you haven’t read it yet, don’t be left out. Read it HERE: 9 reasons (you may not know) why Christian single ladies can’t find their Boaz, David or Joseph Young African man in contemplation -iStock_000006274190XSmall So here is the Men’s version. The flip side. Before I get into this though, I want to get a few things out of the way.

A) This article is mainly for mature Christian Men. Mature. Christian. Men.  This is not for men who think they are God’s gift to “WOMEN” but can’t be God’s gift to “A WOMAN”. This is not for boys or players who still think that women are “less than” . Why? Because boys (even those posing as Men) are too egotistical to take a second to process this information or even act on it. This is for Men…Men in training to become God’s leaders in the home. Men who desire to make God happy by being his able representatives in the home…God’s sons who want to have the right mindset to deserve God’s daughters.

B) When I wrote to the women, I tried to pay extra attention to their sensitivity but my tone was still quite direct. The ladies took it and mostly took it quite well. That means while I will be respectful to my fellow men, I will also be as direct in my tone to men if not more. Why? Because I know mature men can take this and I know that mature single Christian men are looking for REAL PRACTICAL DEEP INFORMATION that they can use in their decision making about this critical area of their lives. I know that mature Christian men can take the heat so that they can be forged into the great family leaders that they were created to be.

C) This is not a quick read. It’s not meant to be. It is a read that will get you thinking, reflecting, and praying. Its one that will encourage you but most of all, it will challenge you. So if you are looking for just a couple of bullet points and a cute quote, stop reading right now.

D) All your single male and female friends should read this…perhaps your married friends too.

So here we go. Why can’t our great single Christian brothers find their Ruth, Esther or Mary?

1. Many single Christian brothers simply don’t understand that a good wife from God is not “acquired” or “gotten”…she is a GIFT: She isn’t something you go out and search real hard and look through the catalogue to select and go acquire. She is a Gift from God.  Sure the Bible says that “he who finds a wife finds a good thing” but it is often taken out of context. The context we often look at it from is one that puts all the responsibility on Men to “devise” tactics to “get/acquire” her.

As if the man with the best acquisition plan wins her. What it IS saying is that she is like a treasure you find. Something that you find becomes a treasure because under normal circumstances you wouldn’t have that valuable thing. When you stumble on a treasure chest as a rich man, that chest is not really a “treasure”. It still has value…but it is not a treasure. But when you stumble on that chest as a man in need, THEN it becomes a treasure to you. Think about it this way. You found a job …because you qualified for the job and you could do it.

However, the Job was GIVEN to you by that organization. So who found who? Did you find the job? or was the job given to you? We men read proverbs 31:10-31 and drool over that description of the ideal woman we all want but we ignore the very first verse…the very opening verse of that description: “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies” Meaning that she isn’t something you find based on your own abilities, resources or searching skills because her value is far above all that.

You can’t buy a virtuous woman. No amount of money, good looks, power can buy her. She is a GIFT (CLICK TO TWEET THAT)

Want just any woman? Plenty of thirsty ladies out there. A little money…a little persistence…a sprinkle of swag and she is in the bag. A virtuous woman like Ruth, Esther or Mary…she is GIVEN to you.~ Tobi Atte

Think: Do I qualify for the Job of “Husband to a Virtuous Woman”? Can I be entrusted with this “treasure”?

2. Just because you don’t have the DETAILS of the direction of your life, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be in MOTION: Just because you don’t have your direction in life completely figured out, doesn’t give you an excuse for laziness. In the article to the ladies, I mentioned that they shouldn’t  go around measuring a man by how much he has his life “figured out” because God’s men often don’t have it all figured out… but make no mistake… Boaz, David and Joseph, Moses, Abraham, Paul and every other great man in the Bible understood WHO they were to God and walked in the direction of the purpose they perceived God was leading them in.

They were in motion. Sometimes God changed their courses mid-way, sometimes God didn’t even say what he really wanted them to do till it was the last minute, but they were in motion.

One of the greatest examples of this was Paul and Timothy in Acts 16:6-10. Paul and Timothy perceiving they were led by the spirit (and they were) moved THROUGHOUT Phrygia AND the region of Galatia THEN attempted to go to Asia but the sprit didn’t let them go through. THEN they journeyed to Mysia and it was a no go. On to Bithynia they went and the Holy Spirit stopped them from entering there too. Same thing when they got to Troas. The Holy Spirit stopped them from entering there too. THEN at night…after all that back and forth and after that period of limbo and what seemed to be wasted energy, a vision came to Paul to enter Macedonia. They immediately set out and that’s how the gospel entered Europe and spread to the world.

You see, I really think that God was testing, shaping and forging their ability to be LED and their ability to be in MOTION and FOLLOW even if they didn’t look successful. Some men have used the “purpose/direction” issue as an excuse for laziness. Don’t.

Men….sure you may not know all the details but get in motion. Seek to perceive what type of impact/meaning God wants your life to have and do it. Even if it’s not what God will eventually use you for, your ability to move will count for you.

Yes…I know….some sisters will look at your life as if you are a failure…as if you are not going anywhere. They will say no to you and measure the value of your life ONLY by the size of your current success, power or bank account. That’s ok. Leave Gold Diggers alone. Those temporary failures in your life will weed them out.

Remember that it is easier to steer a ship that is already in motion, than one sitting on the dock. So wake up and get in motion. Even if you don’t have the perfect direction right now, get moving. It is easier for God to turn a ship in motion, than one sitting on the dock.

Just because you don’t have the DETAILS of the direction of your life, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be in motion (CLICK TO TWEET THAT)

3. Many single Christian men are too concerned about getting a trophy for themselves that they can’t see what God placed inside of her. It’s the truth. They are so consumed with the acquisition without fully understanding the responsibilities: They are approaching this like buying art or stocks. You know…thinking how it will make them look, how it adds to their portfolio and ignoring the maintenance needs.

You know who you are….If God had given Mary to you, you would have quit on her instead of remembering that God was at work in her. You’re the guy that would have been so concerned about how she will make you look (given the circumstances surrounding Christ’s birth), rather than focus on what God is telling you about her , focusing on what is inside of her and how she fits not just in your portfolio but in Heaven’s portfolio as well.

A good man must think not just of how a woman fits in HIS portfolio but also of how SHE fits in Heaven’s portfolio~ Tobi Atte

4. Many single Christian men want to lead but can’t be led: Need I say more? A lot of single Christian men are so eager to get their own “team” so they can make rules and be in charge and lead a woman but they themselves can’t be led. They have no mentors or teachers that they are accountable to and they certainly haven’t learnt how to be accountable to God. Romans 8:14 says “As many as are LED by the spirit of God, they are the sons of God”

Want to get God’s daughter? Be His son. Want to be His son? Be led by His Spirit.- Tobi Atte

A man who cannot be led by God cannot get a Ruth, Esther or Mary. Why? Because that type of woman matters way too much to God for Him to give her to losers who are looking for ego strokes.

5. You are not willing to work to EARN what you think is a RIGHT: I am going to share one of the most successful personal principles I operate with when it comes to my wife. This was a decision I made just before I got married (I was still engaged) and it has served me beyond what I can fully describe in words.

Here it is:

I will strive to actually earn all the things that are “supposed to be” my right as the head of the home.

Think about that: Respect, Submission, Leadership, Love, Acts of service and all those things that we men expect from our wives. I knew that my wife would gladly give me those things but I decided that as much as I can, I will behave as if I have to literally earn those things, not as though they were simply a right just because I was “male”. It has served me so well. Many single men are looking for a woman with whom they can simply demand what they consider their rights instead of looking for a woman with whom they can earn these rights. Why is this important? Because:

One of the greatest ways that a man follows the example of Christ is when he works to EARN the things that ought to be his RIGHT in the home. Christ had a right to DEMAND our love, respect, and submission but he put that aside, loved us first and died to EARN our love, respect and submission.~Tobi Atte

6. Many single Christian men don’t have a Marriage Mission Statement: I have taught about this at my seminars and many places I have gone to speak.  It is one of the most fundamental steps a single man must take when it comes to marriage.

The date was May 14th, 2011. It was a Saturday morning and I had such a heavy burden on my heart about not “finding the one” I was at a wedding event the night before and woke up in a really dark place. This was highly unusual because up until that moment, I had zero pressure about getting married.There wasn’t a side comment (about why I wasn’t married) that I didn’t have a smart comeback to.

Not this morning. I had nothing.

So there I was at the side of my bed …on my knees sobbing to God. It all came out…every suppressed frustration, sadness and anger…it all came out. After a while, I stopped crying and just stayed there…and then the best thing happened. I literally heard a voice say to me (Quite matter-of-factly):

“If I gave you a wife, would you know what to do with her? If I gave you a wife, would you know how to lead her and in what direction? Do you think that the purpose of marriage is simply to fulfil social norm? You want me to find a wife just for you out of 4 billion women because you’re old enough and making enough money to have a wife? How will your marriage fit in heaven’s plan? What kind of home will you build? Do you have a Mission Statement?

On and on it went.  It was like a truck hit me. But it was a hit I gladly took. I just shut up and wrote everything down. It was like a light bulb went off in my heart. Right away, my prayers changed from “who is she….when will she come… is it this one or that one?” to “What is my Marriage Mission Statement?” What should my family look, feel, walk like?  What should my marriage accomplish for the kingdom of God? What should that union do for the kingdom?

The smallest unit in the army is the squad (based on the U.S prototype)…made up of 7-14 soldiers and led by a Sergeant. For men, having a family is like being in charge of a squad within Gods army. But a squad that is not connected to the army is pretty much referred to mercenaries. So do you want a squad in Gods army? Or are you looking to be a mercenary leader?

Many men want their own squad but they don’t take time to find out where that squad fits in the army, its mission, its protocol, its purpose and how it should execute its missions.

7. You don’t know how to IDENTIFY, PROTECT and NURTURE the virtues in a woman: Let me explain. When you have a Ruth, Esther or Mary… when you have a virtuous woman, you have to be able to identify, protect and nurture those virtues in her. This is another of one of my personal principles that I run my marriage with, which has served me incredibly well also.

Here is an example of how it played out in my home.

A few months before we got married, my wife and I went on a trip and it just so happened that it fell on “that time of the month” for her. However, she didn’t want to ruin the time together so she tried incredibly hard to hide the pain. In fact I didn’t really realize it until the evening of the second full day and she was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t believe she went through both days like that because she didn’t want to ruin the time together.

So I went shopping. I bought her a pair of shoes and a matching wallet. (I had never spent that much on shoes even for myself!!) When she got it, she had that look like “This is amazing!!!…but eerrrmmm why am I getting this…what’s the occasion?” I explained that it was specifically for those days and how she put US first and served the interest of the TEAM. I told her how much I appreciated the fact that even though she had the “right” to make a fuss and PMS all day and let her hormones highjack her attitude, she dug deep for the team and I appreciated that. (This doesn’t mean I know a single thing about what a woman goes through that “time of the month”)

But we have been married going on two years now and I don’t have to go into hiding in fear of her attitude during that “time of the month”…. funny how that works (you see Men, doing this is not just a favor to her but a benefit to you as well…because the things you appreciate, she will continue to do)

Boaz did it too. In Ruth 2:5-17 Boaz found out how hard Ruth had been working all day, and how she had stayed committed to her mother in-law and how she left her comfort zone to come to a land she did not know… and he didn’t let it fly over his head.

He IDENTIFIED those virtues. Then he PROTECTED the virtues (Vs 8-9) when he said to her “Don’t go and glean in another field and don’t go away from here, stay here …I have told the men not to lay a hand on you”. Then he NURTURED those virtues by creating an environment where those virtues could continue to thrive. (Vs  15-16) Boaz gave orders to his men, “Let her gather among the sheaves and don’t reprimand her. Even pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up, and don’t rebuke her.”

Men, if you have not learnt (or have the desire to learn) how to IDENTIFY, PROTECT, and NURTURE the virtues in a virtuous woman, you are not fit for a Ruth, Esther or Mary~Tobi Atte

8. You think you OWN when you are only a CUSTODIAN:

Don’t get it twisted. Just because a woman married you and bears your last name does not mean that you own her.  It simply means that you are now her chief custodian.

It only means that God has placed you over her to nurture, protect, care for, and love….on HIS behalf. She is still HIS daughter and when He comes back, I am pretty sure He wants to find her in better condition than when He handed her to you.  That doesn’t mean it’s always going to be easy. That doesn’t mean it’s always going to be cute. Lord knows leading a woman has its…challenges…but that’s why you’re the one with the big shoulders and hair on the chest.

9. Many single Christian men have the wrong interpretation of submission: Yes…the famous (or should I say infamous) issue of submission. How do I make this simple?

You can’t say on one hand that you want a virtuous woman and then on the other hand have no intention of deferring to her decision-making process, or her ability to lead.

If you really do have what you consider a virtuous woman, then you must be able to defer to her as well.

Even the Spartan King Leonidas in the 300 Movie (Part 1) looked to his wife Queen Gorgo as to how to handle the situation when the Persian emissary came to negotiate the Spartan surrender….and he followed her lead. It is no coincidence that SHE led the movement to unite the entire Greek empire to avenge his death at Thermopylae.

Same with Queen Esther in the Bible. In fact all her people including the uncle that raised her knew when to follow her leading. (Esther 4:15-17) “Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: “Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my attendants will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish. So Mordecai went away and carried out all of Esther’s instructions.”

Same thing with David and Abigail (1st Sam 25) Abigail spoke such wisdom to David and prevented him from making a terrible mistake in the heat of the moment. He followed her wisdom and prevented a major mistake. He said to her (Vs. 32-33) “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands.”

If you can’t defer to a virtuous woman and follow her wisdom when it calls for it, just go look for a piece of furniture right now and marry it…but if you are looking for Ruth, Esther or Mary, you have to be ok trusting her ability to make sound decisions as well~Tobi Atte

Read Proverbs 31 really well. Read Esther again. If you can’t submit to that type of woman, if you can’t defer to her and value her opinion …If you can’t take direction from her when it calls for it, then you don’t deserve her.~Tobi Atte

10. You want her to leave her father and mother, and cling to you but you are not willing to leave yours: Yea…Many men are looking forward to having the woman leave her parents and take up his last name. That’s all well and good. Its culturally and socially ok but we often miss one critical spiritual element.

Have fun at your wedding bro, but I but I am not sure what version of the Bible you are reading but eerrmm the Bible says OVER AND OVER AGAIN “For this cause shall a MAN (…yea…a MAN) leave his father and mother and cling to his wife”. Matthew 19:5, Ephesians 5:31, Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7. All those verses say that! Even I was blown away by that as I was researching for this article. So what does that mean in the context of being ready for a Ruth, Esther or Mary? It means that:

When you marry, you are no longer accountable to your parents but you are accountable to God, your wife and are RESPONSIBLE for her. Your parents’ control and expectations take a back seat to God and your wife. If you do not have this perspective, you are not ready for marriage and certainly not ready for a Ruth, Esther or Mary

11. You are ok with Sex before marriage: You think waiting to have sex before marriage is a favor to her, you don’t realize that it is critical and beneficial for YOU as well. Listen… I know that even men with the best intentions can fall. The problem is when you are ok with it…when you don’t realize that it’s wrong not just for her but for you also.

When you violate that, you’re like David on that rooftop. (2 Samuel 11)

Joseph considered his master and how it wouldn’t be FAIR to him but he considered it a SIN against God. See the difference? Sure it’s a nice gesture to your lady to wait…shows her you care and all that cute stuff. But that doesn’t help you when SHE gets horny. Doesn’t help you when SHE drops her normal guard because she wants to elicit commitment from you, or simply has a moment of weakness (or whatever other reason she “allows” you this time). In order for this to work, in order for your desire for purity to be sustainable, you must want it for yourself and there must be a greater reason than your lady that you desire sexual purity before marriage. (More on this in a future post)

The truth of the matter is that no woman (or person for that matter) is good enough to be the singular reason for a man to stay sexually pure before marriage. YOU as a man must have that desire for a higher reason/purpose.

I know that there are so many good men out there who really desire to be God’s generals in the home. God honors that desire and I pray that He provides you with that great virtuous woman.

So…start/join the conversation in the comments below. Which of these resonated with you the most? Which ones were surprises? Ladies, what has been your experience with men and these points? Men, any additional thoughts?

Don’t forget to check out the previous post: HERE: 9 reasons (you may not know) why Christian single ladies can’t find their Boaz, David or Joseph

ONE LAST THING: Don’t leave without getting your FREE copy of my ebook (while its still free!): HOW TO MAKE SURE YOUR VALUES ARE ALIGNED: A Guide To Avoiding Relationship Frustration (Click on image below)

GET YOUR FREE COPY (While it's still free)

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  • Eddah

    That’s awesome

  • tensy

    God bless you for raising these issues. Amazing post!

  • Moose Norseman

    “You can’t say on one hand that you want a virtuous woman and then on the other hand have no intention of deferring to her decision making process, or her ability to lead.”

    False dichotomy. Virtue does not imply leadership.

    • Hadassah

      Deferring does not imply followership either, brother. He hasn’t said a thing about leadership here, far as I can see. Even a President has advisers. He makes his own decisions based on the knowledge and wisdom these people provide him with. Doesn’t mean they have suddenly become the leaders. So, in reality, the dichotomy of which you speak is actually nonexistent. I’m sure Tobi was implying that a virtuous woman’s counsel is worth applying without a power tussle ever surfacing and that virtue in itself is very important in decision making. She, after all may know and see what he doesn’t. Wise men know and respect that.

    • LoveLost

      To put it simply, if you trust the woman enough to be your wife, you should trust her enough to value her opinion

    • Bjorn NZ

      There are leaders under other leaders. Therefore a virtuos woman can lead where appropriate. If you lead well, when your not there and she has to learned to lead she is the help described in proverbs 31.

  • Rzrbladeola

    great article and insight…you have definitely outdone yourself. The first point is all that needs to be said. Your God-given mate is a GIFT. If he/she is all you have, then you have everything you need!

  • Dbongz

    Tobi, as always you’re spot on and it does take a mature man to appreciate the honesty and truth resonated throughout this article.

  • Ha! Fantastic! If you havent subscribed yet, do so here: http://ijustmetme.com/subscription-form/

  • Joy I am going to email you.

    • David Chillbone Gardner

      Never counsel a women in private its not decent and orderly (Tutus 2:4) bc he appointed elder women to counsel women in private. But to the sister 1Corinthians 7:27-28 and Acts 5:29 and what Jesus did when a woman came to him concerning issue John 4:18

  • Busayo

    Boaz did it too. In Ruth 2:5-17 Boaz found out how hard Ruth had been working all day, and how she had stayed committed to her mother in-law and how she left her comfort zone to come to a land she did not know… and he didn’t let it fly over his head.

    He IDENTIFIED those virtues. Then he PROTECTED the virtues (Vs 8-9) when he said to her “Don’t go and glean in another field and don’t go away from here, stay here …I have told the men not to lay a hand on you”. Then he NURTURED those virtues by creating an environment where those virtues could continue to thrive. (Vs 15-16) Boaz gave orders to his men, “Let her gather among the sheaves and don’t reprimand her. Even pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up, and don’t rebuke her.”

    Sorry for the long paste but THIS ANALYSIS WAS EVERYTHING !!! Awesome reads, both articles. Forwarding asap

  • Aydavid

    This is great and I learnt a lot, altho I hv problems with these format of ” 9 things ” or 7 secrets etc, dey are good insights but doesn’t mean that’s the almighty solution and that’s all in all. Most married men with wonderful family like ursef just wa shown mercy with their wives and after dey will now write like these are the secrets or 7 rules u MUST follow etc. don’t get me wrong it’s a wonderful post, but it’s not the only reasons u haven’t found a partner

    • Hello Aydavid,
      Thanks for the contributing to the conversation, I appreciate and respect your opinion. You are right these “9 things or 7 secrets” formats are good insights but not the all in all. Same is true for this article series I have written here. They are simply great insights that may help people. (and as you can see in the comments, they have)
      As for finding my wife…you nailed it on the head. It was totally by the mercy of God but that’s not why I wrote this article and it isn’t titled “how I found MY wife or Do these things like me and you’ll find yours too”. Again, they rare just insights that I have come to realize are important for my fellow men to know. In fact, some of them I realized AFTER I got married. Lol. Again though. Thanks for chiming in!

  • Great!

  • Atwiine Barnabas

    we need to talk. can i kindly have your mail address. thanks

  • Kate

    Thanks Tobi for the inspired writing. Quite true…..

  • tensy

    hmmm 16 comments on the one for men, and 130 comments on the article for women. Therein lies the problem. This highlights the problem I raised with the previous post.

  • Howie

    The one that moved me the most is the point where men should be willing to be counseled or led by God because I admit that I myself is not being led by God. My flesh is too high. I need to be dealt with by the Holy Spirit first before having the right Ruth or Mary.

  • Fedster

    Very relevant! 🙂 what struck me is that many men still fall for the trap of seeing the approval of women as their some sort of ‘reward’ after wooing or pursuing them with their utmost effort … but these men fail to realize that godly women are GIFTS from above. Just as Adam did not do all the work just for God to bless him with Eve..in fact he wasn’t even looking for a partner..it was God who saw that Adam was lonely… thus Genesis 2:18 clearly states God’s divine Word on this issue. 🙂

    I strongly believe that as men grow in their relationship with God, it would truly come out as a surprise that their “future Mrs. partner” would just be right beside them 😉 Thanks for this Tobi, and may God expand your ministry and give you more opportunities to write about such articles.

    To Him be all the Glory, Honor and Praise

  • Chaz

    2,5,6&11- really resonated with me. About 11, the writer of Hebrews likens it to giving up ones birthright like Esau did. Heb.12:16. That makes the issue a whole lot weightier to me. Thanks again for this article. God bless you.

  • kattim84

    Why doesn’t virtue imply leadership? Virtue by definition refers to ideal qualities or morals to be cultivated in people e.g patience, understanding, wisdom, selflessness etc. And possession of these qualities would in fact be desirable in a leader.

    • Ohme0with

      There are virtueous bus boys and drivers, ditch diggers and builders, owners of large corporations and everything in between. Leadership is a quality learned and a skill, steps have to be taken over time to acquire these principles of leadership.
      There is so much to learn of this before exclaiming, I’m the leader.
      In marriage, I would like to think of my partnership as a healthy merger of virtueous leadership and give each other the respect of opinion and weighing it out.

      A godly leader hears from the Lord directives needing to be taken. A godly spouse, will know this for the Lord will tell her or give her confirmation.

    • David Chillbone Gardner

      So many people are agreeing bc its peaceful to

  • Rita

    Awesome awesome read, I just posted the link to share with all my fb friends. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  • Tobi

    Oh my lovely days! God bless you loads Tobi cos I’ve been waiting for someone to put pen on paper on this! And you have articulated it so WELL! I am sending to all my SMF (Single Male Friends) who are constantly whining about ‘where all the good women are’ but who are not willing to be God’s gift to A woman ( I love that bit)! You need to write a book on this!!! And the submission bit- Deep stuff….submission doesn’t mean totalitarianism!!!

  • Stephen

    Thank you Tobi for another great article. No 8 particularly resonated with me. I want to be the faithful steward that God wants me to be with the gift He will give me. God bless you bro.

  • sammy1

    This is simply awesome. Grace for more , tobi.

  • simphiwe

    AWESOME, Quite an eye opener to us men and I believe to what I just read my life and how I do or did things will never be the same in the name of Jesus!!! Inspired..

  • Samantha

    Okay, Tobi, the next step is for you to MATCH people, LOL! Thanx for this article, it’s very encouraging for both men and women. It pains me that so little men react or have read this, or so it seems. 31 comments and the women article had over 310. These are however the real stats in life too: 1:10

    • I knooowwwww right! lol. Thanks for your encouragement. You see, to a certain degree, i dont blame many good men for not being interested in seeking out relationship iinformation..because its usually not balanced. its usually a schooling on all the things they need to do to be good enough for women. think about it. many men feel misunderstood and under valued when it comes to their needs in relationships. So i always try to have a balanced narrative. spread the word and lets improve those numbers!

  • Suraj Ghimire

    I liked the post, true in many sense…
    Thank u for taking ur valuable time to write all of these..
    God Bless

  • Akshay David P

    Jesus Bless you Tobe…great insight…..This is a

    life changing article

  • Elvis Jan Nicolas

    I was so struck by these quote, and yah this is the only reason why am I in a search right now. Its better to redefine my intentions of having the right woman for me:

    “Do you think that the purpose of marriage is simply to fulfil social norm? You want me to find a wife just for you out of 4 billion women because you’re old enough and making enough money to have a wife?”

  • Hi there! I’m going to email you!

    • David Chillbone Gardner

      Share it with every one we are the body

  • Ann

    My heart just melted. This is amazing and everyone must read this. This gives much inspiration & knowledge. God bless you all! ❤️

  • Anonyme

    This is very nice. As a woman, I would be very comfortable with a male like this and not feel exploited or used. Thank you very much.

  • Globe Traveler Flinda

    amazing article and deeply touched

  • Shafarr Savoy

    Can masturbation delay God in sending you your mate? I never been in a relationship, had a fling nor had sex. Wasn’t raised in a Christian home.

    • Shafarr,
      First of all, thank you so much for sharing that. Something tells me that even though you were not raised in a Christian home, you have a strong desire to have a fulfilling Godly loving relationship, marriage and home. If that is true then that is soooo AWESOME! I am soooo proud of you and I just pray that God will see and honor your heart and bless you with that gift.
      As for your question. Look Shafarr, ill be honest with you…but ill also be real with you. Look (and this applies to both genders)…God frowns at stuff like masturbation (especially outside the context of marriage) not because he doesn’t want us (both genders) to feel pleasure or because he is boring but many people don’t understand that masturbation as a single will make you sexually selfish in marriage. Masturbation is an extension of self-pleasing. As singles, masturbation also feeds into sexual objectification when we do marry. It also makes it that much harder to have a clean courtship (when you meet someone), if you are already masturbating… and so on and so forth. So God frowns on it for OUR OWN good….so that we don’t contaminate the beauty of the relationship we are supposed to have with our spouse. THAT SAID, I perceive that God may delay in sending that person not to “punish us” but to make sure that when he does send us that person, we are in a good place to be able to accept and give love the way that it should be given.
      This is not to say that the reason you haven’t met someone is because of that, I just took time to break that down to help you see how to look at this.
      Its like someone training for a marathon. That person has to start eating healthy food not junk food right?…same thing.
      Lastly Shafarr, I want you to think about this. You see, having a fulfilling Godly marriage is not about being good so you can “get” one. Its having a relationship with God so that you are equipped to KEEP the relationship intact when you do start it. That must be your focus now…to begin a relationship with God to teach you how to live..how to be…how to see things better. Would you like to have that kind of relationship? Tell me…..

      • VanillaMochaccino

        Hey Tobi, the argument for the benefit of your future sex life with your spouse is not bad, but opens another can of worms. What if you’re one of those people who are not meant to marry?

  • Jann

    Hello. I loved this article and the other article geared towards Christian women. Strangely enough what really hit home for me was a piece of the article for Christian men (yes I am a woman). I love number 2 where it says “Just because you don’t have the DETAILS of the direction of your life, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be in MOTION” and the use of Scripture. (I’m not sure but isn’t the scripture supposed to be Acts 16:6-10?) I’m asking because I went to read the story and found it in Acts 16:6-10… Anyway…. It hit home for me because I am at a point in my life where I am feeling like Paul and Timothy, meaning I feel like every avenue I take to go further in life and I’m not just talking about relationship wise, career wise and other things .. I get a NO from God. And I sorta get frustrated. But eventually He told me to just wait on Him. So then I felt like I didn’t know what exactly I was supposed to do in the mean time and I’m just supposed to sit and wait. But when I read those words I understood that just because I don’t know the details of what is to come or a clear path that I needed to take, it doesn’t mean that I should just sit around aimlessly and watch the days pass by. Thank you for your articles.

    • Jann! I LOVE that!! Thank you so much for sharing that. Its so encouraging. Im glad that the article had an impact and thank you so much for pointing that error out. I though it was fixed before but its taken care of now. Yes Jann. Keep moving as you trust God. God wants you to depend on him and to be able to move when he speaks but he wants to you that your capacity for movement and cation is intact. think of the military. Even when there is no war they are still in training and still ready for it so that when the time does come, they can take action right away. So how do you balance it, you stay connected to the Holy Spirit every step of the way as yo you make those moves. I wish you an abundance of blessings in those areas of your life!

      • Jann

        Thanks for the encouragement!

  • Ella

    really awesome and inspiring. Keep itup

  • Mamafullosong

    The only way to fully appreciate the article for women is to also read this one you have written for men. Thanks for the wisdom and perspectives on vital matters!

  • renee

    Hello Tobi, please how can i contact you? I urgently need to discuss certain issues with you. Email is fine with me. Thanks.

  • Jonathan

    Great job Tobi! You hit the audience with truth but don’t undermine them. Both sides have things to take before God and work on (dug into the related article for women too). I was reading an article a little bit ago from Relevant and the message was poor. It entailed a “Man up Men” idea without any positive insight to take away. Was a simple minded man bashing article with a feminist oriented audience, you can sense that in the comments for sure. Was appalled that it was even considered a Christian article.

    Here, you reference great men and women in the Bible and use scripture. Well done friend! I highly enjoyed reading this and learned some things. I look forward to the virtuous woman God has for me but it’s all in His timing. I know that there is still growth needing to take place, thanks for the help in getting there!

    God Bless!

    • Wow Jonathan! Thank you so much for saying that! The response to the article series has been quite (positively) overwhelming! I pray that God honors your faith with that wonderful woman :o)

  • Jason

    No woman in church today is worth pursing, finding, or working for. Better to stay single. Christian divorce is now only a couple of percentage points lower that the secular world……and over 70% of Christian divorces are initiated by women (and over 90% of them are not for infidelity).

    Easier to just follow Jesus, stay Holy and love Him.

    • VanillaMochaccino

      I think a lot of women feel the same about men in Church, and reach the same conclusion as in your last sentece.

  • Ohme0with

    Sorry I haven’t read every word yet but I know thru my walk quite a few christain men who ‘wait’ upon the Lord to the point of poverty and will not get a job but want a relationship…. this is asinine to me as a P31W.

    I have also met Pastors who have extremely small like 20-50 people churches for over 10 years the same and they won’t work, their spouse had to.

    I was hoping you might have included this ultra spiritual unacceptable side step some men seem to take liberty in these days. And yes, I work a bit most likely, too much which is why I’m still single … probably.

  • Osagie

    Healthy post. Intrigued by the ‘family mission statement’ as well as the finding out the place of your family to be in Gods army….thanks for the post.

  • Dami

    A must read for any man planning to get married and even those married. I had to really meditate on point one because it goes against the society’s norm of “The Chase”. I’m still thinking on this one to fully understand your point of view. Overall a very educative and inspiring read

  • David

    Thank you..number 11 is something i would love to know more about

  • Alex Aim

    This article is really good, true and factual. Family is the most valuable and foundational unit to grow a Godly nation. It’s unfortunate that even Christian sexes do not have the appropriate grip or grasp of this truth.,a lot of us think it’s position or money. I know this is why God didn’t make Adam a governor, general or president, so also is the same for Eve, they were made Suitable helpmeets just to place emphasis on the fact that a succesful relationships and family breeds a Godly nation. How we handle this with respect to perception goes a long way in determining what kind of products will evolve from the relationship and families we start. Is it going to be viable or dysfunctional to the society.

  • James

    Great article! It gives a man a lot to think about!

  • David Chillbone Gardner

    Moose Horseman was exactly right. I’m sure he agrees, it just should have read a wise man will consider & recognize wisdom

  • Matias Fillemon

    “But that doesn’t help you when SHE gets horny.” TAAAAAH!! Shot Point Blank!! I honestly didn’t know the test of resolve could get that intense even with such a woman. Talk about being Frank! Thanks for the heads up man! Need to strengthen those things which remain!!! #ULTIMATE

  • Michael

    I already know this is pointless to say, but I’m going to be single for life. I’m not deserving of a Ruth, Esther or Mary. I simply am not built for marriage.

    • Donald Job

      The power of life and death is in the tongue buddy and what comes out of our mouths is because of how we see life..our perception of a person, thing, etc causes us to speak about it through that specific lens (our perception) that is why GOD said seek his face and learn of him. Because we will see things from his perspective and declare things from his perspective. GOD what’s you single? what’s his perspective on your view of life and marriage?…I have overcomed alot in my life, and many times even today, I had to get up and declare the possibility (as I walk with GOD I see possibilities) I had to delcare when failure comes or when life was discouraging…NO! this is not the end!, I can learn and develop and grow there is a way out!..You got to want it man…no hero is coming to save you..only men with a ‘word’ saying go this direction but that’s the best they can do..the next step is yours cause it’s only when you experience something, you then understand it….don’t let the past, women, or life, or mistakes or whatever, define your destiny…..it’s start with you buddy! CHANGE your questions and ask what must I do to achieve……? what must I do to attain…..? lord what must I do to…….? Ask him bruh..GOD BLESS and I hope all goes well man, big up!

    • VanillaMochaccino

      Many feel that way. It may or may not be true, only God knows, but singleness is in equal worth to marriage in God’s eyes. 🙂

  • Donald Job

    Great discussion I share similar thoughts and I am single. My prayer was and is along these lines….thank you for sharing great thoughts. One thing though in point 11. Is it “waiting” or “wanting” to have sex before marriage?

    • Hello Donald! Thats great to hear. Thank you. ..and yes..point 11 is correct. its “waiting”

      • Donald Job

        Ok thanks man keep up the good work…..we need men to lead and celebrate men in this hostile world GOD BLESS YA!

  • Marti Taylor

    Okay, so now I’ve read both articles for the woman and the man. Thank You and this answered some of my question in my comments of the womans article about women balancing submissiveness and leadership in todays society. Your reference to Esther and Queen Gorgo helped give me some insight and relief in how God uses this.
    Also, a big thank you on touching on the sex before marriage issue. Almost every Christian man that has chosen to date me, knowing where I stand on this issue from the beginning, broke up with me, or I with him, because he was not willing to uphold this command. But, they wanted a virtuous woman….hmmm…
    BTW – You got a brother??? lol – These articles are very insightful and dead on target.

  • Paul Lashomb

    This has nothing to do with “finding” someone and everything to do with convincing someone that you’re worth staying with. My trouble is in actually finding someone. I do all of these things the “correct” way as described here. I haven’t found a single Christian woman who thinks I’d be good enough, let alone someone I was even attracted to, myself. Why I haven’t found someone to even pursue would be much more useful an article and is what I assumed this would be by the title. Of course, I’m not really interested in another “all in God’s perfect timing He’ll bring a spouse to you that he’s planned for you” because I don’t believe any of that’s biblical at all. The bible never promises us spouses and, when people in the bible DID get spouses, they got them for themselves. In fact, Paul even talks about people getting spouses in such a manner as to suggest that they’re the ones deciding whether they have a spouse or not because it’s their decision. I just can’t seem to understand why I can’t find anyone at all because every Christian girl that I meet is either already in a relationship which is about 72% of the time, they’re really selfish and idealistic to the point where no man would ever be good enough for them, let alone me, 27% of the time, and then that last 1% of the time I’m not attracted to them and don’t want to force some attraction that just isn’t there. Everyone at my church that’s my age is already married, everyone at the neighboring churches are also already married that are my age, and when I went to a Christian college, I ended up dating a girl who was selfish and had really high standards that I didn’t find out about until she dumped me after three months of being together. That was the only opportunity that I had there at a Christian college, as well. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do next to find a spouse. I’ve had no luck with Christian girls, but there are sweet unsaved girls everywhere around me and many of them I know for a fact are already interested in me and I’m very attracted to them. But, I don’t make any advances because I’m supposed to “date a Christian girl.” So, in the end, I’m just stuck with no one. All of the girls I want to date, I “can’t” date, and the very few girls that I’m “allowed” to date, they wouldn’t be satisfied with me. It’d be nice to see someone come up with an article for single Christian men on how to get out of that situation. I feel like there’s never anything on it…

    I feel like all that articles like these do are raise those single Christian women’s standards even higher making that last aforementioned 1% to just get smaller and grouped into the aforementioned 27%, instead, simply making the 27% an even larger number which, in turn, also makes the aforementioned 72% go down, as well. A lot of them just see stuff like this and then won’t date anyone until they look just like the person described in this article even when they do 9/10 “right.” They’ll just keep waiting until they find someone that gets 10/10 right because that just HAS to be the guy that God has for them, right? Yet, many of those same women wouldn’t get that many right on a similarly made article, either. smh

    • buffonomics

      You really poured your heart out friend.

      Thanks for that.

      I strongly advise against dating someone of a different faith standing than yourself. What you have WILL wittle away one micro-compromise at a time. Count on it.

      The connection you feel for other women could be there for a purpose. See, everyone you see in the faith, wasn’t born into it. They
      were there as a result of someone’s labor.

      If you are willing to take up the challenge, take up this person in prayer and ask God to pull her into himself….while you continue AS A FRIEND so you can give room for God to work and that you don’t interrupt what He is doing by getting her emotionally latched to you during the process instead of to The Lord.

      This stuff is real. People who come in like that usually even end up being more driven in spiritual matters than those who were born into it because it has all now become too common.

      Secondly (even though you SHOULD definitely do the First suggestion regardless because God has a thing for those who give Him a reason to party in heaven when the kingdom increases it’s head count), it could also be an opportunity to look at EVERYTHING about yourself, and where you know you should be vs where you are. At times, he closes certain doors around us too when he has better use for us elsewhere and doesn’t want us to get too comfortable where we are. And nothing makes a brother want to get comfortable/dig roots more than when he now has a woman to be responsible for.

      All the best.

    • Ms.A

      Hey Paul, I’m a single Christian woman and I empathize what you said. Especially not being attracted to people or they are not compatible in other areas but then I find myself attracted to men who don’t have the spiritual walk. I remind myself broad is the way that leads to destruction. The easy and most convenient way of meeting so many attractive people that are not born again leads to heart break in the end. Eventually they will not understand your Godly lifestyle on sexual abstinence, not getting drunk or hitting up the club. Then comes pressure and temptation. The flesh is WEAK!

      I love God so much that once I saw the person’s heart in how they completely disrespected or saw God as an “it” or ideology concept, it turned my heart away from that guy. I lost complete interest.

      I could have easily been in several relationships, or married (the wrong person) and probably fornicated with men who are not believers if it wasn’t for God telling me my spouse would know the Spirit of God.

  • WomenHaveChangedUnfortunately

    Most of the Good old fashioned women of years ago were the Best of all compared to today.

  • Nambawarr Shipu

    I have read both points for single Christian ladies and men. Your points hit home for me mostly on the points for ladies. But I have had several experiences I’d say with boys not men because I believe a true child of God as a man knows the importance of purity before marriage. So, I have said no to several proposals from guys and some men and even broke up with two because of your last point. These are men who said they are believers but they were fine with having sex before marriage. So, that’s my reason why I had to flee from them cuz I have been convicted truly by the Holy Spirit from age 13 till date to the fact that God hates fornication but most men nowadays would rather know a lady before marriage contrary to God’s plan for His purpose for the marital union. I believe God shal indeed bring my Joseph. Trusting God alone. Thank you for your posts, they are very enriching Sir.

    Shipu, Cameroon.

    • Shipu,
      Thank you so much for those kind words. I pray that God will show up and show out on your behalf. I pray that when you do meet this Joseph of a man, he will see you as God intends him to. I pray that at the end, the joy will overshadow the pain. Thanks again for taking the time to comment. God bless you! Tobi

  • AnOmali™

    I enjoyed both of these articles, however, I think that the rule you have in the female version of this essay, regarding not expecting the man to be fully formed and to have already arrived should also apply to men as it pertains to their requirements of women.

    Our lives (women) haven’t all been easy, we won’t all have it all together, and that should be equalized… Our direction, character and integrity should be as much a qualifying factor to men, regardless of how far we’ve gotten in our journey, as you’re suggesting it be for us… Fair is fair. We are ALL works in progress…

    • Love this! Thanks for the input. So I agree that the women’s lives arent always together and that they face struggles on their journey as well. The reason why its not on the list for men, is that if you really think about it, men dont really place as much of a requirement on women as women do on men, on “where she is right now on her journey to getting her life together”. Men typically are more forgiving in that regard and dont require as much of women in the area of “figuring their lives out” . Does that make sense?

      • AnOmali™

        It does and, in large part, I agree. However, it is different in each social echelon. As a mixed race, black woman from an upwardly mobile demographic in Northeast America who is also an educated, intellectual full time artist, I believe that in more educated and successful/affluent (not wealthy, but also not urban) pockets of community, men are placing a premium on women to have plenty of money, great credit and to have already “arrived” in their careers – likely because men of my generation don’t seem to understand most of what you are teaching, for one, and also because they no longer see themselves as the protectors/providers (gender roles are changing even amongst Christians). They seem to want someone who is already fully processed in that area as well worth little flexibility, and don’t focus at all on work ethic, dreams, destiny or destination of the individual. They don’t want to be support systems or help to facilitate a woman’s success even if she is well on her way… So, I do agree with you, in theory, except that, culturally, in my experience, that description doesn’t seem to fit many educated Christian men any more (even those in ministry)… They have longer lists of requirements than we ladies do, even when the primary thing we desire is Godly character. It’s disheartening as a woman of some success, but who is still “in process” towards her destiny… *smile*

        • Awesome stuff. Yea I can see that happening. Its unfortunate. I see both ends of the spectrum in my interactions with both men and women.

          Women (like you’ve mentioned) are saying that men’s lists are getting longer and men are saying that they are both required to provide and be more domesticated and so they desire women who can also do both and since the opportunities for women are getting greater and greater, there is nothing wrong is looking for a woman who is making the best use of them.

          Men are also noting how the cost of living and maintaining the lifestyles the women say they want is on the rise, AND men (especially ethnic and colored men) actually have a harder time than women in the employment market place. Its a mess. Lol.
          This piece I wrote has some actual numbers from the Department of Labor: http://ijustmetme.com/2016/03/some-amazing-relationship-advantages-men-provide-probably-better-than-women-at-the-start-of-a-relationship/

          I think though…that in marriage, we are meant to bring all of who we are and all our “advantages” to serve the marriage. When we do that and think that way, neither one feels that a “demand” is being made of them that shouldn’t be. Instead, we all feel that we are making a major contribution to the marriage.

          I wish you the absolute best with all this. You sound very smart and intelligent and I hope the man you end up with sees that.

          God bless you!

          • AnOmali™

            Thank you. From your lips to God’s ears (as he is running very late to the party of my life, ha!). Blessings! http://www.AnOmali.rocks

  • The Serious Truth

    It is very Easy to Blame the single women for this one since there are many of us Good Single men out there that are still hoping and waiting since many of us Aren’t Single By Choice.

  • marcie

    I met a guy at church who loves that I can sing and I love that he loves football. I know next to nothing about football and he claims to be a closet karaoke enthusiast. I would love to go see my firstlive football game with him simply because i enjoy talking with him and seeing how much he loves football. i would also love to share a karaoke time with him. But women just don.t go up to men in church and tell them these things,right? Or do they? I would like the mens, opinion.

  • brown435234@mail.ru

    Fine and wonderful contents, Well or pure relationship can be give to well feelings but overall guilt relationship can’t give to happy which has give to frustrated or ruth everyone. Thanks for mention.

  • eileen45635@mail.ru

    Fine and wonderful contents, Well or pure relationship can be give to well feelings but overall guilt relationship can’t give to happy which has give to frustrated or ruth everyone. Thanks for mention.

  • angie221554

    Fine and wonderful contents, Well or pure relationship can be give to well feelings but overall guilt relationship can’t give to happy which has give to frustrated or ruth everyone. Thanks for mention.

  • Natália Maciel

    Wow! I am a Brazilian Christian woman, and I am really amazed with this website. Very very happy. We have a group named “Project Genesis 24” of woman from church and we meet every month to pray and learn about our lives as singles, trying to learn more about the relationship/marriage God wants, and your words on this article and the “9 reasons (you may not know) why Christian single ladies can’t find their Boaz, David or Joseph” article came to me as a gift. Thank you! God bless

  • Taiwo Durowade

    Great article, awesome read. Thank you Tobi, so many nuggets to keep on hand to keep coming back to.

  • I. Meanit

    “I will strive to actually earn all the things that are “supposed to be” my right as the head of the home.”

    Well, all nice and well, but that is NOT what the Bible instructs wives to do.

    A wife should respect her husband, even when he’s a jerk (similarly a husband should love his wife, even when she’s a jerk). Similarly, a wife should submit and obey her husband, even if he does not obey the Lord. This is what the apostle Peter says:

    “After all, this is how holy women who set their hope on God used to make themselves beautiful in the past. They submitted themselves to their husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him lord. You have become her daughters by doing good and by not letting anything terrify you.”

    “Many single Christian men have the wrong interpretation of submission”

    So, do a lot of Christians, including yourself. Wives submit to their husbands, not because he earns that, but because she decides to obey Christ. (Submission does not negate her responsibility before God though.)

    As the apostle Paul says:
    “Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”

    In. Every. Thing.

    • Hi there!
      Thanks for jumping in and contributing to the conversation.
      You make very valid points. However there are a couple of things I need to point out, that may help inform your perspective a bit better:
      1)I agree that “wives should submit to their husbands, not because he earns that, but because she decides to obey Christ and that A wife should respect her husband, even when he’s a jerk (similarly a husband should love his wife, even when she’s a jerk). …” However, that addresses what SHE must do no matter what. God doesnt just throw inconvenient instructions that could or could not us pain in marriage. No. what God does is that he asks spouse 1 for a bahavior and asks that spouse to do that thing not because of spouse 2 but because of Christ. THEN he turns to spouse 2 and asks for certain behaviors (that are eventually reciprocal in nature to other spouse) not because spouse 1 earned it, but also because of Christ.

      This is how God creates equilibrium in the home and builds right into that marriage, a reward system for obeying him in how we treat our spouse. This is how he protects the heart of both spouses.

      So…I am not saying that th eway a man gets respect at home is only when he proves and earns it. I am saying that as she is giving him this respect (because of Christ), he should be behaving in a way that earns him that respect (as he obeys christ).

      This is how God protects her from praying a prayer such as “lord if it wasn’t for you…i would totally not be respecting him” but rather puts her in a position where she prays “Lord thank you for giving me a man who makes it easy to respect him in obedience to you.

      So technically we are saying the same thing. I hope this expands the perspective for you though.
      God bless!

      • I. Meanit

        Tobi thanks for your reply.

        I did mention that commands are given both to the wife and the husband. The basis of obedience in both cases is NOT because of the behavior of the other, but because of obedience to the Lord.

        If you say “he should be behaving in a way that earns him that respect”, that message is dangerously close to “if he does not behave, he does not earn respect”, which is the message usually given to men and women to excuse women for their behavior, and exhort men to “behave”.

        Usually, as you also fail to do, the symmetrical message “she should be behaving in a way that earns her his love” is then NOT told at all. Somehow that message suddenly strikes most people as “odd”.

        Many authors/preachers/pastors are guilty of thus beating men into submission to their wives, and excusing women for their behavior. This, of course, is sin.

  • Abuul Dooyum Solomon

    Thanks Bro for this piece of writing

    • Hey Bro! Thank God for wisdom. Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for taking the time to comment.

  • AndThisIsWhyUsGoodMenAreSingle

    Well first of all since unfortunately we live in a totally different world today, which will explain why many of us good innocent men can’t find love at all. Most women nowadays are certainly nothing at all like they use to be in the past when real love back then really did happen. Today many women have their Careers which most of the women now are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, and very money hungry as well. These type of women will only want the very best of all and will never settle for less either. Most women now obviously just want men that have a lot of money which really makes these women real users and total losers altogether as well. Most women unfortunately today will never go with a man that makes much less money than they make which certainly explains why so many of us men just can’t find love at all, and it is these kind of women that will never Accept us men for who we really are. And there are many of us very good men out there that just don’t care how much money a woman makes since it isn’t all about money for many of us men at all. It was just too very bad for many of us men that just happened to be born at a very bad time for finding love, and had we been born in the good old days which many of us single men would’ve definitely found the right good woman to settle down with to have a family that many of us men still don’t have today. Like they say which it really does take two too tango which unfortunately we never met our second half.