Stop Praying For a Good Spouse. For Real. Here’s Why

Cork Proposal
Stop it.
Halt the prayers for a sec.
You’re probably thinking “Tooobbbiii…where in the world could this be going?”
Don’t worry…keep reading and I’ll tell you why you should stop praying…at least in the way you are doing it and in the state you are in. (Plus there is something at the end you have to see)

Now…Let’s have a SERIOUS conversation.
This is not going to be very comfortable..but I do it in love…so that the veil over your eyes will be lifted.
Many singles are on the FAST TRACK to a cycle of relationship and marital frustration and they don’t even know it.
You know what’s even more sad?

It’s not even the frustration that can come from CHOOSING the wrong person (At least in that case you can point a finger at the other person as the problem – whether that is entirely true or not). It’s the frustration that comes from BEING the wrong person…even though you are a believer.

Yea that’s is the one that will eat you up from the inside till it bubbles up to the surface…and there is no one to point the finger at but yourself.

Oh…not you? You’re a decent person? You’re a “good” Christian? You were brought up in a “Christian home”? You’ve dated a bunch of people who did not just meet your “Godly” standard? (Note the finger pointing there) or Maybe because you’ve read tons of books and attended seminars and your halo is size XXX.


Why are even believers struggling in marriage?

Oh, you don’t think your “Christian” friends/church members are going through issues because they look united with the Trinity on Sundays and their Instagram page is a stockpile of romantic photos and can serve as a dictionary of pet names?

I know you can tell the passion in my voice and are wondering where that is coming from.
I’ll tell you.
I have met too many young …wonderful children of God who sabotage the joy in their own future marriages by not dealing with what needs to be dealt with especially before marriage and my heart breaks conversation after conversation.

Its like they did not realize that there was more to preparing for marriage than just reading books, praying, and attending relationship seminars.


I see many people (yes…even believers) waiting till they “meet someone” or are “serious” with someone before they start getting serious about marriage preparation – (MIND BLOWN). That’s like waiting till after high school graduation before you start preparing for college.

So … why should you stop praying for a spouse? Because

Without working on yourself. I mean truly digging … excavating issues …retraining your mind…healing from issues, your prayers CAN’T really be answered.

Why? Because that prayer is very selfish. We are asking God to give us a well-formed believer who he loves, and who loves him….who will minimize our relationship frustration and make us feel like our marriage is Heaven on earth….WHEN WE CANT REALLY RETURN THE FAVOR. Not because we don’t “want” to but because we have not been adequately “prepared” to. (And God loves his other kid just as much as he loves you)

Read this Bible passage S.L.O.W.L.Y: (Parentheses added)
James 4:2-3: You covet (want) but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.(motives)

You see, when we ask God for that great marriage or spouse,

ON THE SURFACE (In a nutshell) it sounds like:
Lord, please give me a marriage honors you. Give me a great spouse that loves you and honors you, work in me to be a good spouse too.

HOWEVER, UNDERNEATH THE SURFACE, what you are really saying is:
Lord, please give me a marriage that honors you (Even though I have not worked hard enough to deal with the deep issues in me that may work against that very goal). Give me a great spouse that loves and honors you (Even though my Christian pride will not allow me to think for a minute that I may not be the best person for someone who actually loves and honors you and I may frustrate that person -and myself- to the point where our home dishonors you), and work in me to be a good spouse too (Yea..I can’t really think of —no sorry—I don’t see myself as that terrible —cos its too much work, too painful, too unchristian, too unbecoming of someone who has been in the faith for as long as I have—and I have compartmentalized my deep flaws into secret rooms in my mind and threw away the key. So use your God eyes, locate them and without really involving me and breaking me down or bringing them to the surface, go into my past… my mind, my deep self, and heal me of those things and replace them with equipping for a good marriage…and then just give me peace when the right person comes)

I’ll let that sink in for a sec…

Am I saying God doesn’t listen to prayers? NO. Our father in heaven is eager to hear from us and is eager to answer us in this area. But we need to work with him. We need to take responsibility to look within…

We have to SUBMIT to God to show us how to TRANSLATE all the INFORMATION we receive on relationships INTO ACTUAL TRANSFORMATION so that we are better prepared for his promises. So:

Step 1:
Stop “just” praying for a good spouse…pray for transformation. Pray for God to develop you and help you BECOME a great spouse. Pray AND work on yourself.

Step 2:
If you are single, dating, courting, engaged or even newlywed and have not already, you NEED to attend my free webinar (happening soon!) where I break down deeper the (click the link)  Areas That every Unmarried Christian Must Learn, Heal and Deal With In Order to Have the Fulfilling Marriage They Want.

It’s FREE and there are limited spots (The software can only take so many)

Start making yourself a priority in this area and allow God to start breaking you down. CLICK HERE to reserve your spot.

Share this with unmarried believers and your young adult groups.

  • Ini Akpan

    I really agree with this, Tobi. Thanks a lot for sharing this. For too long, I believed the lie that I was ‘the good one’ because I had been praying for a great marriage and building my character instead of frolicking like my peers. Was I right? Nope!

    Beneath the surface were too many insecurities, errors of judgment, pride, fears and limiting beliefs that sabotaged the very desires I longed and prayed for. Unveiling these flaws and working on them is hard work and while I am more aware of myself now, I know I still have some more work to do.

    It’s amazing that I’m older yet less fascinated by the desire for marriage. I should be desperate to get hitched, shouldn’t I? Lol! Yet, it is now the reverse. It was never them, it was always me. I attracted the ‘wrong people’ because I had the wrong beliefs and habits. It’s that simple. At least, to me.

    The way I see it now is that when my healing is complete, I will attract the man of my dreams so we can, in wholeness, create the marriage of our dreams. Who knows? He is probably being healed, too.

    • Wow Ini! Thank you so much for sharing. You hit it right on the head. You see, its that moment of self-reflection and owning our part in the creation of the life we see, that helps us to change it. You are on the right path. Dont be desperate but a the same time, be interested. Look forward to it…stay lovable and not cynical. I pray you end up in the marriage of your dreams!

      • Ini Akpan

        Amen! I just read this again.

  • marvel

    Ini, please where did you start from? Where should I start from?

  • Deborah Reece

    Really the focus should be on growing in our understanding of grace and Gods live for us not finding a mate and God will bring someone when we are ready.

    • Absolutely. Whats more is that the more we understand Gods grace, the more we are aware of our inability to love like him (in our current state) without his help and our motivation to change

      • Deborah Reece

        I believe that a lot if fear and insecurity about not being married comes from not believing God loves us and is for us. When I grasped His love better. It helped me feel more confident.

  • Mez

    Absolutely! And instead of praying for a spouse to come into your life, praying for his/her growth during the waiting period and for yourself is so important. No harm in praying for God to bring them soon, but it is better that God bring them later once they are ready and mature than to bring them too soon into your life when you both aren’t ready!

    I highly recommend Praying for Your Future Spouse: Preparing Your Heart for His which does precisely that: for every virtue and quality you pray for your spouse, there is an adjoining prayer for yourself to grow in the same qualities.