You Are a Good Person, But…


Have you ever met someone you liked…and maybe even started a relationship with, that had a “big but”? (Thank goodness I am spelling this out and not saying this. lol).
For real though. You meet this person and most things are good but they just have this area that just screams “red flag” on the inside. Or maybe you are in a relationship/marriage and you feel there is something not quite right about things even though this person is a really nice person… and you cant pinpoint what it is (or cant articulate it)
Well, this might help articulate things a bit. Maybe you are trying to say:

You are a good person but:

1. You are unlovable:

Nothing is ever enough. …and I am factoring in my imperfections. Like….you refuse to receive my love. You need to heal and you need to open up. You treat me like a constant threat. Like I’m about to walk out on you any moment. Well, that’s not true. But…keep this us, and it has to become an option. You need to deal with the baggage you carry and the pains you keep. Stop trying to protect yourself from me. Let me in or let me go.

2. You are unsafe to communicate with:

I don’t see why I should have heart palpitations at the thought of communicating with you and sharing concerns. Not everything has to be this dragged out – intense conversation where I need to have done my research and come prepared with a dissertation. Part of why we are together is so that I can share my heart with you…even when it’s uncomfortable.

3. You are unsafe to be vulnerable with:

Yea. I sleep in my superhero outfit. It would be nice once in a while to tell you that I am scared, worried about X, or feel insecure about “whatever. Can a brother have a shoulder to lean on once in a while? Newsflash: I don’t have it all figured out.
Can a sister just cry it out? Newsflash: These are not just physical layers I am putting on.

What is the point of being together if I can’t let down my guard and tell you what I’m worried about without feeling like you are going to look down at me for it? I am sharing for help, not for condemnation. I have enough of that out there in the cold mean world.

4. I want a relationship but you want a situationship, flirtationship, attractionship, solutionship, ambitionship, partnership, or transactionship:

The “ships” you want are just not my ideal: CLICK HERE TO READ FULL “SHIPS” POST

5. I cant give you my dreams:

You are a risk to my dreams. Not from the perspective that you cant help me accomplish them (because that could be legitimate and I should be responsible for them anyway), but from the perspective that being with you will ruin them simply because you don’t care.
In other words, my dreams are not safe with you not because you cant directly help me achieve them but because your selfishness and insecurities directly ensure those dreams never see the light of day.
I want a “Loaded Gun Relationship/Marriage” (Click Here to read all about that) and I am seriously concerned I can’t have it with you.

6. I don’t know how to love:

Yea…I said it. You can stop smiling now. It took a lot to say that but it’s true. I know it sounds cliche but for real, it’s not all you…it’s me too. Here is the thing though. I want to try. Harder.I need to. I just needed to be honest with myself about this.  I need to deal with the pain, trust, insecurity and vulnerability issues I accumulated before you. It’s not fair to you. You are not them. So yea. I said it. Maybe half of those previous points are actually just about me. Sigh. I don’t even know anymore.

You know what? Today, can we just focus on the good and leave the but? Yea let’s do that. More focus on the good and less focus on the buts. Yea let’s just sit our “buts” somewhere and see the “good” in each other.

So there you have it. Questions? Thoughts? Did anyone pop out to you?

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  • Sherie

    Yea, I agree with Tolu, if there is a but, how does one deal with it (or shouldn’t it be dealt with)?

    • Taiwo Durowade

      I agree, some of these “buts” are major red flags, especially #5. Should that relationship continue?

      • Taiwo this is a great question!
        You see, these “buts” are beginnings. They are the point where you decide what to do and what you decide to do about these “buts” is more important than the fact that the “buts” exist. Here is what I mean:
        You feel you cant give this person your dreams. In comes “emotional fight or flight response”. Do I run or stay?
        If you run, well then the “but” mattered that much.
        OR you can say “well, does this person feel that THEY can give me their dreams?” (Hmmm!).
        That may then tell you that the reason you cant give your dreams to them may be that they are also feeling the same way about you. Enter: Dialogue- Self reflection- change.
        Do you see it??
        Like…they had a “but” …but how you respond to it is more important than the “but”

    • Yea..it was a great question. See my reply to her

  • Callan Joshua

    Wow thank you for this Tobi, couldn’t have come at a better time ☺️ This happened to me recently and it was the first time I’ve experienced this so really didn’t know how to handle the situation. This has given me some direction and helped me breathe a sigh of relief that others experience this as well. I was thinking I’m weird or heartless for really liking someone but having “buts” about them and choosing to not start a relationship with them

    • Wow! That’s how it is! You think you are alone in something until you meet others in the same boat.
      You always have a choice to go with what is comfortable for you.
      The only thing ill add is…just be careful to allow others to exercise that right. Meaning, don’t take offense when someone thinks the “but” in you prevents them from starting something with you. This will ensure that you dont carry unnecessary grudges and become guarded in an unhealthy way. It will help you maintain your sense of self-love. God bless

      • Callan Joshua

        Thank you Tobe 🙂 advice noted

  • Lol! Great question. Seeing the good does not have to be at our own expense. Giving respect, showing empathy, being considerate of the other person’s shortcomings and so on, does not have to mean that we give up those things. In a healthy relationship, it works that when person A does these things, person B responds as best as they can. (Granted the response won’t always be at the same level).

    So…being patient doesn’t mean that you should be led on.
    Being generous should not mean that you should be taken advantage of….

    Hope this makes sense?

    Tobi