One Halo for Two People


Have you ever said…or heard someone say “I don’t deserve him/her” when trying to express appreciation for the other person?

What many people are trying to convey, is just that: appreciation.
Many people, however, actually mean it. For them, it’s not about sounding romantic or being cute. For them, they are living it.
They truly believe deep down inside that they don’t deserve this person.

The thing though, is that “Appreciative of” vs “not deserving of” don’t always mean the same thing.
Now… this is not a grammar lesson or a lesson about which one you should say…it is much deeper than that. This is about the emotional position you take or create in your relationship or marriage.

Here is the BLUF (Botton Line Up Front)

You should not be in a relationship where you either feel like or are actually undeserving of someone, for a prolonged amount of time.

Here are some important thoughts on why:

1. Many people think that a “good” relationship is one where they find someone who will be the love of their lives, but a “healthy” relationship is one where there is a constant “race to the back” where each person is trying to BE the love of the other person’s life.

2. A person in a constant state of feeling “undeserving of” the other person, will never be able to ask for what they really want in the relationship.

This is unhealthy, as now there are TWO problems (A) the inherent insecurity and (b) The lack of communication about what will create relationship equity.

3. You can feel undeserving because of specific things you did…and how the other person still loved you well despite those things. But you can also feel undeserving because you just feel generally INCAPABLE of loving someone right, to the point where you have actually stopped trying.

There are two very important thoughts on this:

a)If you feel that way because of something you did (or still do) that this person still loves you despite of, your job is to change that. Your job is not to be aloof.

In fact, this is a trap for many people. How?

Because many people respond by simply acknowledging, however:

Acknowledging someone’s love for you is good. But reciprocation and change is better.

Why?

Because even the best people…are just people.

Yes…yes…functioning in Gods grace and all…but they are still people.

By the way….that thing right there that we just did…

Trying to automatically spiritualize things to hide our faults…trying to challenge the people we say we love (but continually hurt) to “tap into THEIR spiritual grace bank account to get grace to put up with our behavior” yea…thats why many relationships and marriages are in trouble.

Just because your spouse is functioning in the grace of God does
not mean that grace should be violated.

Sure its great to be with someone who is just incredible but make no mistake:

Finding someone who makes you feel so loved and undeserving, is not a cop-out or excuse you use to hide your lack of effort.
ALL IT DOES IS BUY YOU SOME TIME.

No one can sustain their “awesomeness” with an “unawesome” partner.

Let me add context here. I am a believer and I know the grace of Gods helps us do what is unnatural and push us to be even better than we thought we could be but please don’t be fooled:

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU WHERE THEY CONSTANTLY FEEL THAT ITS OOONNNLLYY BY THE GRACE OF GOD THAT THEY MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY OR MONTH WITH YOU.

In other words, healthy relationships and marriages are ones where Gods grace at work in each other, sustains each other, as opposed to God’s grace operating in only one of them holding both.

b) If you are feeling undeserving simply because you (Deep down) don’t think you have what it takes to reciprocate and join “the race to the back”, you are wrong.

(Read this next part carefully….it might hit hard)

It is more likely that you are scared of trying. And you are scared of trying to be the best partner possible because you are scared of failing…and you are scared of failing because just like other areas in your life, you have very high (actually potentially paralyzing) standards for yourself (meaning you don’t put yourself out there unless you absolutely know you will win or succeed or get a predictable outcome) and you have those high standards because you don’t like creating expectations that people will have of you, that you are not sure you can sustain.

Phew…that was a mouth (and mind) full.

Do you get that?

You are not trying harder not because you cant, but because you don’t want to try hard, success for a while and then potentially mess it up again.

If that is you, here is what you should remember:

4. You don’t have to know how to be a great boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse in general.

You just have to wake up and see the person that is right in front of you and work on being the best for THEM.

5. The good thing is that relationships do give A’s for effort.

Don’t be so stuck on your ability to be the best (insert relationship roles if any) but just put in real effort that your partner can see, into caring for them…IN THE WAY THAT MATTERS TO THEM

6. And then there is you…the one who is “not deserved”. The one living the emotional upper hand…secretly basking in the sunlight of being with someone who feels they are not good enough for you, and thinking you’ve got it made. You have perfected how to get away with murder in the relationship so well, maybe Shonda Rhimes should make you a part of Shonda Thursdays.

I’ve got news for you.

The same sunlight that people go to the beach for, is the same sunlight that causes raging fires in dry forests.

You are living in a dry forest (with someone that feels dry, spent, useless, insecure, empty etc) thinking your sunlight is the best thing since sliced bread. No. You are living in a hazard and soon enough, the fire will come.

Look, it’s good that you love your significant other so well they feel undeserving of you….but be careful. Don’t live there. You need to seek out and pay attention to the things that remind you that you are getting back from the relationship too.

More than likely, if you look, you will find them….then you’ll use those things (no matter how little) to build the other person up so that (and this is what most people miss) when YOU (yes you Mr or Ms perfect) acts out…get off course….act the fool…whatever, you will have someone who is strong enough to fight for you and hold the relationship down.

So whats the takeaway?

A healthy relationship is one where BOTH people feel BOTH undeserving of the other person AND appreciated by the other person… Not one where you feel the other person is just soo much better of a person than you or one where you feel you are so much better of a person than the other.

If it IS true that they have a halo and you have horns, start taking horn-shaving classes.

Infact…ultimately, the halo situation should not look like two people with individual halos. Standing together, they should look like they are both under one halo.
So that as they function with each other, they operate in a cycle of goodness and grace to each other; and when they relate with other people, they collectively look like that too.

Ok…so which point stood out to you? Any questions come to your mind as you read this? Comment below

 

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  • Hi Zeoma!
    Thanks for writing in!
    These articles are written to be deep and yet easily digestible and easily applied.
    So even content that is straight from the Bible is written in such a way that even non Christians can see and extract the knowledge from it.
    I am also trained in the some areas of behavior so often that is reflected as well.