She Changed – After You Showed Interest

One of the ways I know I need to write on a topic is when I suddenly start getting questions around a theme or issue…and this is one of them. Furthermore, I felt urgency about this one because:
a) The questions were from Men…specifically, young men that were deeply interested in being good men and good husbands. (Ladies…. these men do exist and If you keep telling yourself they don’t you wont find them. I digress….)
b) Men typically are not typically wired to reach out for help from other men especially on matters of the heart.

So…here is the theme of questions I was getting:

**Her friends found out that I like her and spilled the beans…she changed (even though she already showed me she is interested too)
**We had been friends for a while…and often spent a lot of time hanging out. Once I officially told her I liked her, she changed. She pulled ALL the way back.
**I don’t want to make any mistakes or do this wrong because of how much I respect her but she is not giving me room to approach her.

What should I do?

Well, here are the thoughts I shared with them (Some of the most important are the last ones)

1.Don’t take it personal.

Her behavior is not surprising (Especially in the context where you were good friends before she found out you were interested). When you were hanging out before, you had playing a different role in the show. You were one of the characters…now you want to rewrite the script of the movie to turn one of the characters into THE main character. Think of it like this:

*Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp’s character in Pirate’s of the Caribbean) initially was written as a supporting trickster character to Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann. Depp’s performance and the character proved popular enough to warrant Jack Sparrow’s promotion to protagonist of the series by the fourth film.

*Remember The Jerry Springer Show?..and Steve the security guard? Well, his fame grew to the point where he was given guest hosting duties for Springer and eventually given his own talk show, The Steve Wilkos Show, in 2007.

Here’s the gist of it. You are applying for a new role that requires new skills and are measured by different indicators. In fact, if you are vying to move into that “new role”, it means the script for all the other characters in the show may need to be re-written. Don’t take it personal just yet. It very well may not mean that she doesn’t like you.

She knew and tested you as a friend/fellow church member…but she did not know you as a boyfriend or potential husband.

That is what she is trying to know. Yes. Its still you but ” friend – boyfriend – fiance – husband all require different responsibilities and skill sets. That is what she is evaluating from a distance

2. Make it more profitable and not just a mere favor:

Bro…don’t make a woman take pity on you to be with you. Show her that it is (or at least will be) profitable for her life to do so. Why do you think we have a gazillion iterations of spider man..or reruns of shows on TV years after the season finale? Because no one trashes a profit maker. Show that you are a benefit for her life (Not just that she is for yours) and the script will get rewritten.

3. Don’t change-Be the same guy-But a better version:

More simple than it sounds. You NEED to be the same guy (Its important to show stability of character) but you also need to show that there is more than meets the eye (This is what shows depth of character). It’s one thing to open her doors and be generally nice to her. Its another thing entirely to help/challenge/motivate her to achieve a meaningful goal.

4. Be in flight…but have space for a copilot:

When you were friends, she didn’t care that you didn’t have X or that you were Y. It was less of an issue that you do X or that you don’t think Y. Now that you are interested, just remember that everything will mater suddenly. Give her the space to process that. What you need to do is start working vigorously on your life’s purpose (whatever you think it might currently be) while leaving mental space to merge with hers. How? If you really like, her, see how your life purpose/work can help what her’s is. You into nutrition and shes into childcare, help her become better at childcare by becoming better at child nutrition. You’re a project manager and she wants to start a business, help her lay out the plan.

5. Reduce PDAs with her immediately.

Nearly eliminate Public Displays of Affection (PDA). When you were just cool, there were high fives, and other types of platonic physical touch. Once you start showing that you are interested, eliminate them as much as possible BUT ensure to replace. Replace them with being “present”. E.g. Show that you are a great listener. be a voice of reason, think 2 steps in advance for her for the things that matter for her. The PDAs will confuse her and confuse those around her. Don’t rush her. Keep it cool. Give her a bit more space. Her friends may be playing “Brick walls” now but if you do this right and really seek God’s face for the grace to be the man HE wants you to be, SHE will be the one knocking those walls down.


You will straight up chase her away if you do that. Still hang out. Spend time… but be cool…but don’t hover. Never hover. Lol.

Don’t be desperate…but don’t be uninterested.

6. Eliminate PDAs with other women immediately”

Especially women she does not know. In fact…if you have explicitly told her you like her, as much as possible you don’t even want to be seen alone with another woman displaying any thing that could be misconstrued as a PDA whether she knows them/is cool with them or not… and if you are, find a way of bring that up for clarification before she even asks you.

You gave Nikky a ride yesterday cos she was going to take a her cps exam and didn’t have a ride. That night, she asks how was your day? You say ” It was a long day…did x, y,z and I offered to take Nikky to the exam center for her cps exam yesterday. We have all be praying for her in our church group and one day of, no one in the group could and I was free. It would have been inconsiderate of me. So I took her. We all pray she passes”

Why should a woman you are sincerely interested in, be unsure about where your heart is? Na brah.

7. DO NOT BE AFRAID of sticking up for yourself too:

Meaning you too should be respected …cared for… inspired, and spoken well to. In other words, just because you like a woman does not mean that she should not treat you with courtesy. You have to right to expect common courtesy from her as well. Some women are immature and become rude or inconsiderate as a coping mechanism of dealing with their emotions or their current confusion about what to do with/about you.

She is not for you bro. She is still growing up. As you try to be this good man after God’s own heart, you deserve to have a woman who sees you as exactly that. If she is legitimately not interested, it’s only fair to you that she tells you rather than stringing you along, enjoying the attention, but hiding her selfishness behind indecisiveness (Basically she is a player with a halo – Cos if you were doing that, you’d be straight labelled the devil)

8. Stop asking her friends for advice:

We fall into that trap because we think they will always take juicy information back on our behalf to stroke her fire. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Women process different things differently…AND THE NON VERBAL COMMUNICATION is likely to be more of what gets back to her in form of verbal communication.

Your best bet?:

When with her friends, don’t initiate conversation about her unless they ask. And when she (or the topic of relationships) comes up in conversation, educate them about your position these things. So for example if they ask “Do you still like her?” Or something like that, you don’t say yes…or no…or I don’t know. Instead….you say something like “She’s great and I am doing some praying right now to seek Gods face to tell me what exactly I should be liking about her. I think that its important for a man to have that deeper insight about he person he considering even friendship let alone anything more”) get it?

9. Entertain the fact that she might be pulling away because she has legitimately decided that you are not for her.

AND THEN remember that this doesn’t mean that you are any less worthy or that you are not “good enough”…or that she is a bad person for not being with you. Be cool brah! Don’t now start acting all weird and start acting all weird like you are punishing her for not saying yes.

10. If you haven’t yet, read this post:

It’s on “How Christian Single Ladies Would Like to be Approached AND How Christian Single Men Would Like Them to Respond. Its HERE

11. Pray bro!

If she is a godly woman, you should be happy she changed a bit or is taking a bit of time. Pray about her and for her. Pray with your eyes open. Pray to see her character. Pray that God will help you see the person behind the mascara, the eyelashes, the dimensions, the voice, the (…) . Pray…because their is always more to a woman than meets the eye. What YOU want is a woman that has more good than meets the eye. Pray bro…because your wife will be the single greatest determinant of your future after God.

So…that’s it. There are so many good men out there. Men who desire to be loving husbands and great fathers. If you are one, own it. Wear it like a badge of honor and don’t let any one tell you otherwise. The world needs this badly.

What do you think?