I attract the wrong men. The men who seem to like me are the wrong ones for me. I always get approached by men who are not interested in a stable relationship. I always seem to get approached only by the types of men I don’t want. Is there something wrong with me?I hear that from women quite a bit. Even good, datable, “marriage material” type of women.Why is that? What is really going on? Is it really true that you only attract these type of men?

Well, sure there may be slight changes you may need to make but guess what... it may not be because there is anything wrong with you. In fact…there are some things about the PROCESS that many women just may not know.  I don’t have all the answers about this but here are a few perspectives that may make you go “Ahhh I seeee…”.

Here we go: You are not ONLY attracting the wrong men. You are attracting all types of men. It’s just that many times, the right men are not the first to come up to you: You go to church, a party, an event and yes…the first 5 guys that come up to you are so wrong for you. So tell yourself there are no good men there or that you just seem to attract the wrong men.You know what happens next? Your disposition changes. You start to get frustrated, your face starts to say “don’t even come up to me”. You start to look unapproachable and yes…you guessed it: The right guy…who has been observing you from a distance, decides not to approach you.

Being approached by the wrong kind of men doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It’s just that “Even the wrong ones out there know a good thing when they see it” Tobi Atte

In fact, sometimes the better you are, the more you will attract all kinds of men. Now that DOES NOT mean that you may not have to make changes in how you present yourself or how you think... it just means that you are not necessarily the problem.

Why does it seem that the wrong ones are always the first to approach you?

a) The wrong men are not concerned about what type of fish they catch …they just throw a net and hope they catch one: With a lot of the wrong men out there, approaching you takes very little calculation…very little processing. They don’t look to perceive much about you before they “make an attempt”. They don’t worry about any depth you may have. They just see what they like and try for it. They also have very little self-respect so they don’t care if you “give them the hand” or “shush them off” or belittle them for even approaching you. That’s a major reason why you get approached “first” by wrong men.

The wrong men are not concerned about what type of fish they catch …they just throw a net and hope they catch one. Tobi Atte (TWEET THAT)

b) The right men just have a different approach to determine IF they should approach you in the first place: They are more calculating…often taking time to observe you a bit longer from a distance. They may seek to perceive more about you than your lipstick and pretty dress. These men really want to see who you are (So they don’t waste your time or theirs). They also have a healthy dose of self-respect and they would rather stay away than have you roll your eyes at them or shush/belittle them like those other men. So once your face starts showing the “don’t even try to come up to me” look, they are quick to perceive that, and stay away.

c) The right men actually want to succeed in approaching you…the wrong men are ok seeing you as trial and error: Those wrong men are thinking “if you say no, there are a hundred other options”. While this may be true of the good men out there as well, the right men out there understand that dating you will take an investment of time, emotions, money and much more. They understand that relationships take work and while they are willing to put in the work, they don’t want to waste effort or resources. If they are going for it, they want to win at it. If they are coming for you, they want to win at you. That’s not to say that they can’t handle a challenge. It’s just that they need to know that the reward will be worth the trouble.

The right men actually want to succeed in approaching you…the wrong men are ok seeing you as trial and error. Tobi Atte (TWEET THAT)

It is somewhat similar to how Lions hunt. They invest time observing their prey…slowly getting closer and typically not making dash until they are within 40 feet or less from the prey. They prefer to get at least somewhat close before they “go there”. It’s a process. They are ok gradually increasing their chances so that when they do pursue, they have a good chance of success.

Wrong men who are quick to approach you vs men who take their time is like comparing Lions to Cheetahs.

-Lions are slower in the chase but more powerful on impact
-Lions depend on their strength, Cheetahs depend on their speed
-Lions only hunt large prey, Cheetahs hunt small prey
-Lions get closer before they make a move, Cheetahs chase earlier because they have the speed
-Lions will put in the work for a feast…never for a snack
-Cheetahs will exert massive energy to catch what the lion considers a snack. So…do you want a Lion or do you want a Cheetah?

Tobi Atte

d) The right men ….the ones you say you want… you know… confident, mature, have things going for them, well put together…yea…those men would like some respect too: They don’t want to get your eye rolling, they don’t want to be given “the hand” and they certainly don’t want you to embarrass them by signaling to your girlfriend to come “save you” by pretending they need you in the bathroom right now.Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes some men...even good men are just so waaayyy off that you need that, but I am talking about that moment when YOU decide that even though he may be “nice” he’s not your type. How do you handle that moment? Do men who approach and find that you are not interested in always leave your presence feeling embarrassed?Look, these right men you want (who are observing you from a distance) they wonder HOW you will reject them if you are not interested. SO THEY OBSERVE HOW YOU TREAT THE WRONG MEN TOO.Think about Hollywood. Some of the greatest actors we know got their Oscar nominations and respect not because they starred in a Hollywood blockbuster. Nope...many got their Oscar nominations and reached critical claim because of the low budget/indie/nontraditional movies  or roles they took on. In other words, want to win an Oscar with the right man, take on the “low budget” movies with grace and the block busters will come knocking.

e)Nuff Said...

f) Wrong men are comfortable declaring intentions right away without really getting to know you and without much observation; good men get informed and then come out. Why is this? Well,

This is really interesting to me though…because as much as I hear from many women that they don’t get approached by good men, I also see a lot of women being very impatient with the process. They want men who will come into the picture and quickly declare his intentions…but many ladies don’t give these good men enough of an opportunity to get to know them. You can’t expect that good man (who KNOWS he is a good man) to rush into it.

I hear things like “Adam recognized Eve right away as his bone of bone”…but honey, up until that point, he had been surrounded by animals. I think it was a little easier. Adam didn’t have pray about 3 options in the choir, the 3 ushers, the 1 in the grocery store, and the 2 at work and the Ex-girlfriend.

Look… I am willing to bet you are not just attracting bad men or wrong men. You are probably attracting good men too! They are out there…looking at you...probably praying about you right now…observing you from a distance. Just because the wrong ones are quick to say “hey baby” or “have a go” at you doesn’t mean that the right ones aren’t smiling at the thought of you too.

Don’t be frustrated to the point where it starts to show...cos then you REALLY become unapproachable by those good men out there.

You are not defined by the type of men who approach you. There may be nothing “wrong” with you. Get to know Christ…understand his purpose for you …how he wants you to build your future home….be gracious to the men out there that you don’t want, stay fab, and the ones you DO want will find you soon enough.

I pray that the love of Jesus Christ will fill your heart even right now. I pray that any heaviness of singleness will be lifted right now and be replaced with a lightness of heart to enjoy this awesome phase of your life.

In part 2 of this series, ill go deeper into “Why you can’t see this better men”. Coming soon.

If you haven’t already, this is a must: Read the two part series: Don’t Pre-qualify Your Lead Part 1 and Don’t Pre-qualify Your Lead Part 2.

Ok so Ladies, what has your experience been on the issue? Men, what about you?

UPDATE: CLICK TO READ "I ATTRACT THE WRONG MEN PART 2-IF I ATTRACT THE RIGHT MEN, WHY CAN'T I SEE THEM?"