Why do the single men in your church go outside your church to find their “bone”?

Why do single women say that there are no men in church?

Why do even well-intentioned men not get positive responses when they approach women in church?

Why do men in church seem hesitant to approach the women in church that they are attracted to?

Why are single women hesitant when it comes to being approached by single men in church?Have you ever wondered about these questions?

Let’s not get too spiritual here. I am not saying men shouldn’t be led by the Holy Spirit or that women should date men who approach them in whatever way. What I am saying is that even with the best spirit-led intentions, the dance can get awkward. You see, there is a way that the woman in church would like to be approached. Many men (even with the right intentions) are approaching sisters in ways that turn them off and many women are giving off an impression to men that makes men outright stay away or decide not to continue pursuit after initial contact.We will take advice for the brothers first ...and then further below, we’ll see how they want sisters to respond.

So…Brothers…here are a few points on how Christian single ladies want to be approached (Ladies keep reading...)

1) Don’t try to impress her with THINGS: Don’t get me wrong...it’s not that Christian single ladies don’t like nice things (On the contrary…) but they don’t like it when that’s the foot you lead with. Your nice car, your big watch, your nice clothes. Sure they notice…but they actively work on not being impressed by “things”. They are not like girls on the street. They also believe that how you approach them says a lot about what you think of them. So if you lead with that foot, it looks like you see her as someone who is motivated and easily impressed by stuff and hence, you obviously misunderstand why she is spending all this time serving God. It also makes her feel as though you have “things” not “character” to offer.

2) When you approach her, she needs to know that you see more than the exterior: I don’t know how you are going to do this, cos some sisters in church practice “holy hotness” (we will just leave that there)..or should we say "holy sexiness"( you know...dressing in a way that will draw attention in "that" way but then looking like she is totally focused on Jesus). Either way... Christian singles ladies need to feel and know that you see more than her nice hair, her lip gloss or her fancy dress. She needs to know that you see more about her than those exterior things. Now you don’t have to declare all this at once, but pretty quickly, shell need to know this. So don’t approach her talking about how beautiful she is and how you saw her and you just had to talk to her….save it. You need more depth.

3) Don’t be too serious: I know church ladies can come across as very serious. Jesus is their boyfriend and their lover and you better not come close unless the fire of the Holy Spirit is literally burning on top of your head as you walk towards them. Lol. It is true that they want you to have “serious intentions” but they don’t really want you to have a “serious approach”. Don’t be overly spiritual. That may have worked for your parents…you know “The lord showed me you are my wife.” Yes...she still wants God to show you…but she wants to feel comfortable with you. So smile…be funny…be normal. Why? Because no matter how spiritual you are, a woman has to feel good and comfortable around you. Just because we are in church doesn't mean you can't smile…or be funny or be smart or witty.

4) Make an effort…But don’t put her on the spot: This is a no no. If you are not “there” yet in the relationship, don’t treat her like your wife or your lady in front of people. Like …don’t open “just” her door…don’t pull “just” her seat. If you are going to do those things, do them for all the ladies around. Don’t start giving her special treatment too early. It’s very uncomfortable for her because she will get asked a million questions by friends etc to which she will have no answers yet. Doing all those things prematurely also makes her feel that you have chosen her when she hasn’t chosen you yet. It also makes her feel like you are trying to get in secretly through the back door rather than knocking on the front door. So sure...be noticeable let it be known TO HER that you are interested, before you make it know to the world that you are.

5) When you first meet, do just do that and that alone. Meet. NATURALLY: A quick introduction, a question about something, a healthy compliment (that never gets old), a quick conversation and that’s it. Trust me on this. You don’t have to spend an hour with a lady when you first meet, to pique her holy interest. Remember...she needs her space and doesn’t want to feel like you’re pushy. In fact...general rule of thumb…when you first meet, (that very first time)be the first to leave the conversation. I know its counter intuitive but you will earn her respect by not hogging her airspace and having the confidence to take a break. So even if you’re sitting next to her at a group dinner for example, and let’s say you get introduced, be cordial, have a quick natural conversation, and then turn your focus to other people on the table. You can come back to her, but give her space at first.

6) Approach her with truth and honesty: The last thing a woman wants (let alone a Christian woman) is negative surprises. She wants to feel that you are confident where you are in life and that you OWN IT. Have your own small business that has not taken off yet? Don’t talk to her like you’re the secret CEO of a fortune 500 company. Trying to figure out what you want to do next with your life? OWN IT. Don’t come across as having it all figured out. Sure women would rather have a man that has clear direction (that’s another article entirely), they however can’t stand a man that pretends to be who he is not. In the world, women really worry about WHAT you are. In church (at least true Christian ladies) want to know WHO you are. So show that.

7) Ceteris Paribus (All things being equal), when you do make your further intentions known, be willing to meet her spiritual accountability person(s): This is important to a lady and shows that you are not trying to pull a fast and furious one. Key phrase here is “when you make your further intentions known”. A woman should not be rushing you to meet her pastor or her deaconess or prayer partners because you met last week and asked her to have coffee with you. Don’t be pressured into that, because it makes you virtually semi-commit to a woman that you barely know. As a man, you have a right to know what you are getting yourself into…so at least have an idea, before she rushes you to every pastor in the church. ALSO, when you do meet these “spiritual support group” of hers, do not be pressured to declare or imply marital commitment if you are not there. It’s ok to be honest about where you are in that journey.

8) Don’t be awkward when she acts like she is confused: You’ve hung out a few times, you’ve spent time on your knees…every fiber in your body is telling you that she is the one, and you start dropping hints by your words and/or actions, and then she starts acting weird…different…unpredictable. Maybe even a little cold towards you. Play it cool. She might just be overwhelmed or confused. OR she might be a bit freaked out (and that might actually be a good thing) at the thought that “this might be it”. So stick to being yourself. Stick to being who you presented to her. If you start acting weird back or you stop being the man you want her to know you are, you will shoot yourself in the foot. You will look unstable. Stay cool. She will come back to her senses. Watch closely though. It doesn’t take a woman that long to get comfortable with the idea of commitment to a man she likes. So if it looks like she is not coming back to that space, that’s fine. That does not affect your honor or value as a man at all. Move on with dignity.

9) When you ask her out, don’t take her to fancy places in your first hangout/date: Even though many women (even in the church) say they like to be taken on a proper date, mature church sisters may see that a bit differently especially on the FIRST date/hangout. You’re probably thinking …. “WHAT!” But yea ...its true. You see, when you ask a sister out for the GENUINE reason of getting to know her without committing yet or leading her on or making it look like you have made up your mind about her, keep it simple. When you take her on a really fancy date the first time you hang out, it could lead to some interpretations that may hurt you, and it might actually make her feel awkward. For example, it could later be interpreted as you leading her on if it doesn’t work out, and yes…if you are worrying about impressing her, it could cloud your own vision and concentration on actually talking and getting to know her casually. It can also cause a situation where she starts to feel uncomfortable because she feels she is obligated because of the grand date.

So what do you do??? Keep it simple. Real simple. Yup. First time… do a simple group outing. Group movies…group dinner. Whatever. Get some friends together and then invite her to this hangout. Want to do something a bit more private, still keep it simple. Do coffee. Do lunch/brunch (NOT DINNER) Take her somewhere where she’ll be comfortable and not feel like she is already In a relationship, AND where you will actually get to know her... keep it simple the first time. This eventually for your own good. You see, keeping it simple keeps things simple...so that if you find out that your “revelation” was off, you don’t end up taking the whole choir out on fancy dates before you get to the one.

10) If/When you do ask her out, have a clear and comfortable reason: Clear…. meaning you’re not vague. “Hey...lets hang out…spend some time” , is not clearComfortable… meaning you’re asking her to spend time in a way that she will be comfortable spiritually and emotionally. (Groups, daylight, casual)“Clear” may sound like “I enjoyed your worship session and I think I know you as a worshiper but I’d love the opportunity to get to know you as a person”. Not clear is “you’re a great singer…wanna go to the movies?  Not clear is “Can I take you out sometime?” Clear is “I heard you started an organization to help the poor and I’ve always wanted to know what that entails. I’d love to pick your brain about that over coffee or tea”So fellas…there is no need to be afraid of approaching sisters in church in you are “led” and at that point where you are mature enough to. But do it right. Honor them, respect yourselves and you might start getting better responses.

So ladies. Your turn.

just as you expect certain behaviors when he approaches you (of course...because you are a princess of Zion and Gods beloved daughter), he also expects certain behaviors when you respond. Yes. Because he is also prince of Zion and Gods beloved son…and God does not love one more than the otherWhen a man prayerfully approaches you in all those ways above and more…when you perceive …or he shows that he is interested, what are the things he wants you to remember?

A) There is no crystal ball: Even though you want men to prayerfully approach you… even though you want men to be sure of what they want and to move by revelation, understand this: There is no crystal ball. There are some things men can perceive about you spiritually and there are some revelations God can give a man about you. But guess what…they need to be confirmed. That confirmation for him comes when he relates with you and sees the things that have been revealed about you. In other words, you need to live up to those revelations and most times, men have to spend at least some time with you to experience the person he has been “told” you are. It is unrealistic for you to think that he must be sure of you…and have his revelations in a row...before you even begin to relate well with him.

B) Remember the pressure he is under to get this right: This pressure to get it right the first time is perhaps why many men don’t bother approaching women in their own church. In the world, men initially don’t have to worry about the approval of anyone else except the woman they are pursuing. Once the woman is convinced, he then focuses on convincing her support group. In church, men have to get that approval waaaay earlier. …right from the beginning. He already knows that your spiritual parents have to like and approve of him from the start, your biological parents have to give their blessing, and so does your entire church volunteer group, your prayer group and every other person that you consider your spiritual support group. He knows that negative impressions of him by any of those people could end his chances before he even steps up. You know… some fellow volunteer tells you about his high school Jock days 10 years ago and ooops CUT! Some spiritual parent of yours gets an uneasy feeling about him and…CUT. So when he approaches you, be nice…remember that pressure.

C) Don’t use him to get attention: I have seen this sooo many times. Ladies who already know there is not a very high chance she will eventually say yes to a guy who is pursuing her…but will not inform him of this but rather just enjoy the attention for a while, and use him to be the center of attention among other females. I have even seen where a woman who says she is not interested in a man gets really upset when he focuses on another female. When a man approaches you in all the ways listed above, don’t use him to get attention. Keep it somewhat private at first. Don’t go telling all your choir girlfriends about how he likes you and wants to ask you out and how he can’t stop looking at you form 10 rows away. ESPECIALLY if you are not sure about being with him yet.

D) Respect him even if it is a NO: Just because you don’t like him doesn’t mean you should disrespect him. So don’t embarrass him, or belittle him or tarnish his image behind his back. Sure he fumbled when he approached you. Sure he didn’t “come correct”…sure he didn’t have the swag you were expecting. Don’t roll your eyes when you talk about him to other females, don’t disregard him in public, and don’t cause a scene when you’re relating with him in public. Even if you don’t want him, remember that your sister in Christ might, and he might make a great husband for HER and a great father for their children…in THAT SAME CHURCH. YOU MIGHT WANT TO READ: DON’T PRE QUALIFY YOUR LEAD 1&2

E) Speak Plain English: Many ladies would rather drop hints even when it comes to good things. Let alone negative feedback. But men really appreciate an honest plain English thought-out response. If you are not interested, find a tactful way to pull him aside and have a conversation about it…THE SAME WAY that he approached you and had a conversation about wanting to get to know you. If you conclude that he is not the one, don’t just start avoiding him or being weird. Talk to him in private and share your thoughts. In fact, I hear things like “He doesn’t get the hint”. I say, how about speaking clearly! YOU MIGHT WANT TO READ: HOW TO BREAK UP…WITHOUT BREAKING THE PERSON

F) Even though he may know what he ultimately wants, he may not know exactly what he wants with you YET other than the fact that he wants to get to know you: And that’s ok. Be ok with the fact that he might not know what the ultimate result might be. In fact, it is almost unrealistic, unfair and contradictory for you as a believer to expect someone to rely totally on THIER faith and revelation to reach out to you, but you can’t respond/relate in faith and revelation to them.I call it the “Mount Sinai” Syndrome. You expect the man to go to the mountain top or receive your name directly from God and then bring that proof back down to you…but many women are like what Moses found when he returned. He found that the people he met, did not match the description he received.Just because Jesus tells that brother how wonderful you are, doesn’t mean you don’t have to live up to it. Just because you are focused on Jesus and he is your boyfriend, doesn’t mean you become unapproachable.These are our brothers and sisters in Christ and it seems like we forget that when we relate with each other. Dating and Courtship in the church is such a sensitive issue…and for good reasons. However, it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable, awkward or toxic. As a body, we can treat each other in ways that encourage communication and transparency.

So here are some questions for you (comment below): What has your experience been with dating/courtship in the church? As a Christian Sister, any other suggestions for the men? As a Christian Brother, any other suggestions for the ladies?