He Changed - After You Showed Interest
So there you were...minding your business. No Ads on your forehead saying you were looking for a man. (I mean...you were looking...but there was no ads involved)
Then he came.,.and started doing the dance and throwing bright peacock colors in your face, and somehow got your heart beating a little faster.
So...you brought out your cup and showed interest in his Kool-aid.
Then...it all changed.
Mr fresh became Mr awkward.
There are now more calls to him than from him.
Then it hits you -
Did this dude just flip on you?
Did he just make you come out of your shell a little and then get cold feet? You thought all the Ice walkers from Game of Thrones were gone but apparently not.
So what do you do? How do you think through this?
1. Pause
This does not immediately mean a lack of interest or that he is a mean man. Remember he came after you for the most part, knowing nothing about you. Don't react just yet to what you're feeling, find out the facts. I have seen so many cases where a guy starts to develop something for a girl and when it starts to gain momentum emotionally, he backs off a bit. Not because he has decided he no longer wants anything, but because he is really asking himself questions like:
The emotions seem to be moving fast but has my logic caught up? Does it make logical sense to be with her...now?
She is really nice. Can I really be for her what I now suspect she wants in a man?
I know that we are still "just talking" but if the communication continues at this pace...will I be rushed into a more serious relationship at a pace faster than I am comfortable at?
I was trying to get to know her at a comfortable pace and that started out well but she just suddenly (maybe in her - O.k... I have decided I now like him... I am going to really show him I am interested - mind) got intense and went into girlfriend + Mother mode and it freaked me out a bit...cos I haven't made that decision
So ....when things get awkward or it seems like things suddenly slowed down a little, pause...don't react, respond.
Men may not typically be good at communicating that "they need to talk" but it does't mean they don't have much to say.
Men may not typically be good at communicating that "they need to talk" but it does't mean they don't have much to say if you actually let them.
2. Responding is not the cause
You have to remember that the fact that you responded is not in of itself the reason why things got awkward. Any man who is interested in a woman WANTS and prays that she responds.
I am emphasizing this because sis, if you don't separate this cause-effect thing, the next guy that comes around, you might act all weird thinking at the back of your mind that "once you start responding, it'll get awkward again". Don't do that to yourself. It could just be the timing, type, intensity etc. of the the response that spooked him. So you live and learn...but responding to man you like, is not the problem.
3. Have a safe, objective conversation...to extract the facts.
You may not have realized this up until now, but from the moment you started "talking" a huge portion of that has probably been an emotional/indirect conversation. By a safe objective conversation, I mean:
Safe:
One where he doesn't feel attacked. One where you have come to to truly listen without judgement ...and without leading with "how he has made you feel" or "what you suspect he is doing" or anything like that.
One that says directly (preferred) or indirectly, that "You can talk to me and be plain about how you are feeling . I won't judge you and no matter what you say, you'll have my respect for communicating"
Logical:
One where you are both working to see the logical benefits of talking (Ladies I know you would prefer if he just came out and said he got a revelation from heaven about you....but the reality is that you might need to help him confirm the revelation he got about you).
4. Hold your tongue for a bit longer:
Fight the urge to tell all your girlfriends about how he is now a weirdo or a slacker or how he "led you on". Until you have had a conversation or until you know for sure.
Why?
Because while it usually feels good to instantly get that "group support" from your girls/support system:
a) You might be causing a case of premature character assassination.
Worst part, if you are wrong, you'll look confused when you come back to those same people talking about "he has changed".
b) You will feed that "thing" that makes you not trust yourself and your emotional decision making process.
If you have it you you'll know exactly what I am talking about. Don't feed it.
5. And when you do tell, be careful who.
Don't go looking for who will stroke your ego and tell you you are never a problem and that any man that does not see that you are perfect is blind. That's girl talk. Find Godly women in your life who can tell you those lovely things when it is true, but who can also pull you aside in love and straight call you out when you are hurting the man in your life.
By the way...I already wrote the flip side. When you're done with this, you should take a look : She Changed - After You Showed Interest
6. Remember: You are not for every good man
Not only are you not for every man, you are also not for every good man.
Stop telling yourself that as long as a man is good, he will see you and be able to "treat you right" or "make things work" with you or that as long as he is a good man, he should recognize you as a great option to be with"
If you start "talking" to guys with the thought process that he is talking to you because he clearly sees that he wants to be with you, you are setting yourself up for frustration and potentially failure. While it might be true, it is better to go in with the thought that:
"He clearly sees something in me but knows nothing about me to help him confirm if what he sees is true, and I haven't yet gotten to know him to see if (a) what he sees in me is the right thing to see and (b) if I see in him the critical things that matter to me".
The result of this thought process, is that you go in knowing you are in a discovery phase. "Talking". Not "Talking that must lead to dating" so that when it doesn't go past that, you don't have resentment towards him, towards men, towards yourself or towards the process.
You are not good for every good man. You are wonderfully made...but not the standard. It is not evil for a man to decide he does't want to be with you after getting to know you for a bit.
That said,
7. It's very much about HOW:
Its not about the fact that he stopped showing interest...(cos lets face it... your'e not perfect and you probably have a lot more relationship flaws than you know or are willing to admit) ,
its more about how he did it.
Ghosting is no bueno.
Just disappearing is not a fair way for a guy to bow out. In fact it's more like sneaking out. Its rude. In fact...it is disrespectful for him to show all this excitement about you today, and then tomorrow morning, he treats you more like someone he met last year at the airport while waiting for a flight.
However....comma...here is something most women miss about men:
If she has been communicating (directly or indirectly) that:
You are really not up to my standard but maybe ill give you a chance
I don't appreciate the effort so far...I'll appreciate it when we get married and have 2 children (lol)
I have options.....
Even the good dudes will feel inclined to default to ghosting. (Like...you wont feel my absence anyway....Let me preserve the last bit of my dignity since you are treating me like a chore...etc)
That said though...its worth mentioning that sometimes its just the plain reason that he was insecure, didn't know how to communicate or address concerns or was a player and girl...if that was the reason he ghosted you, you should be giving testimonies in church....cos you don't need that in your life.
8. Friendship and courtesy first before emotions and expectations:
I know this is certainly easier said than done, but when you start talking to someone, consciously begin with friendship and courtesy first before the emotional transactions begin and the expectations are put out.
I am not saying you should not have expectations. (You need them). I am simply saying that you let them guide you internally first. Many women feel that that they have to verbally stress those expectations as soon as possible (to protect themselves) but they don't realize that its actually a turn off...even for good men.
Why?
Because:
Men have legitimate expectations too
(That might hit you like a ton of bricks. Let it)
But they don't start the process of "talking" to you and listing all their expectations.
Let your definition of showing interest not be that you are interested in something beyond what he is offering at the moment before letting the dust settle where you both are right now.
He communicates that he wants to get to know you but you are communicating that you are looking to get married, and that he should not waste your time, before you acknowledge (and show) that it has been good getting to know and that you'd like to know him better as well.
Nothing wrong with wanting to get married but if your definition of "showing interest" is that "I am now willing to be friendly to you because I think we could get married" then if he eventually thinks otherwise, you'll end up devastated.
Again...I admit that this is easier said than done but men work differently. Men focus on logical progression of relationship stages and it is when they are comfortable in one stage of the relationship that they move (or can "allow themselves to be guided/" to the next step in the relationship)
Overall, don't be discouraged when you show interest in a man and he changes or gets awkward. Stay strong like you are and manage it right with all the points above.
"HE is coming"....but don't carry the baggage of every interaction that didn't work out. Don't mismanage things like this and then buy into the "Men are scum or men are whatever".
If you do, YOU will have to do the work to deliver yourself from that when the good man you've been waiting for comes, and you eventually ruin it because you really didn't have enough space in your mind for "Men are caring, men are needed, men have emotional needs too and so on.
Hang in there girl. The best is yet to come. HE is coming.
So....thoughts? questions?
Which one of these stuck out to you the most?
Share the post and comment below.
Oh...and after commenting, don't forget to check out the flip side: