How many layers does your man have to peel to see the real you

Yes…a woman’s emotions are sometimes like an onion. You have to peel that onion to get to the core. You have to get through several layers to get to the real her...the real crux of what she is about. That said, how many layers does he have to literally peel to get to see the real you?

When he actually gets the opportunity to come close (not necessarily sexually but emotionally or even comfort level-wise) will he be in for a shock? Will he find a totally different person than you “introduced” to him when you first met?In statistics, “Standard Deviation” is defined as the deviation or variation from the mean (average). In the context of this article, we are talking about when you are constantly so far from your “mean”…when you have so many layers to yourself that you now look far from who you look like naturally…and you depend on that always.

I am a guy and I do not know enough about what it’s like to be a woman so let me be the first to say that this article is NOT about telling you how much to do or not do to look pretty. I don’t even have the right to define that for you.

However, when the layers of makeup, the fake eye lashes, the hair extensions, the girdle and shapers, the one-size-smaller-than-your-actual-size bras for more cleavage volume, colored contacts, padded bras, acrylic nails, high heels and everything else comes off, who are you? Are you comfortable in that skin? Who is that girl? Do you think SHE is beautiful? Do you think she deserves to be loved by a good man? Do you think she is worth waiting for? Do YOU love her? Or do you think she is below standard…a far cry from what is deemed “acceptable”? Are you constantly covering her up so completely that she is basically unrecognizable? Do you despise her so much that you rarely ever feel like presenting her to the world?

This is a tough thing to talk about for most women because of the extreme and often unfair pressure that society puts on women to be a certain way. I don’t have a problem with taking care of yourself or adorning yourself to look pretty. The problem arises when a woman’s sense of self esteem and confidence is low when she is in her natural state, but shows up when she is “layered” with all these additional features. If YOU yourself don’t love “her” then no one else will. You’ll meet men who fall in love with the layers that you presented and you’ll end up frustrated that the man that you’re with doesn’t love you for the real you (without the layers) when the truth of the matter was that you led with the layers, you depended on the layers to “catch his attention”. “You wooed him with the layers that made you into a completely different person than the real you and now you’re stuck in that space.

Here is a message for the men though. One thing you must actively do is to help your woman detach her esteem from her “layers”. That’s not to say you should prevent her from doing things to look pretty, but you must work hard at helping your woman to feel self esteem WITHOUT the pain of high heels, oxygen draining shapers, layers of makeup and all the host of things they do to feel good about themselves. Sometimes demand...(yes demand) that she wears little or no makeup, dresses comfortably, and then let her know how beautiful she is...how appreciated she is. She NEEDS that. Again , it’s not to say that she shouldn’t do the girly stuff to feel like a beautiful woman but she needs to be freed from the cage that society, men in her past and ESPECIALLY other women have put her in…the cage that says that if she is not in physical discomfort from the heels, girdle, painful braids, slapping herself in the head a hundred times a day because of the tight weave on her head, wearing hair from another race/country, wearing fake eyelashes, or if her nails are not a different color that what God made them in, if she has not used a flat iron or if she has not taken a selfie picture in the classic standing cross feet female pose (To get the hourglass look) , she is not beautiful. Other women can be trapped in that cage…not your woman. No. she deserves better.

For reasons beyond the scope of this article, people (both men and women) ESPECIALLY women, get a very different response from the world around them when they look attractive (whatever that means. People DO treat them differently when they are looking good. But that should not be the case at home with you. YOU my man, should be the reason why she can go el natural and still feel like she can still maintain her full self esteem. YOU are her escape from the crazy world out there.Now ladies, I know you liked that little section above with me telling the men to do this and that to help you build your self esteem. But as you know if you’ve ever read anything from me, you’ll know that I am more concerned with your growth than writing something cute. So here are some more thoughts for you.It’s icing on the cake to have a man that works at making you feel great about yourself without the layers the world insists you must put on. However, the responsibility is still yours to take care of your heart and your mind. It is still your responsibility to love yourself the way you are. That’s not to say that you can’t feel prettier in makeup and all those fun girly adorning things…no that’s not what this article is saying. What it IS saying is that you must not hand over your self esteem to these eye lashes, heels, corsets, foundation or glossy lipsticks.You see, once you already love yourself the way you are, you will always be able to present yourself the way you are as. Unfortunately, women who don’t learn to love themselves how they are, are always “in character” like an actress taking on the personality of that done-up persona. It’s exhausting.Let me bring it home:

-A man can’t love you for who you are if YOU don’t love who you are.

- Men feel cheated when they find out that the real version of you is waaay different from the version you have been presenting.

-You will drag him into the low feeling as well. Ladies you know what I’m talking about. That feeling of guilt that you feel when getting layered up but often brush aside, that says “I am presenting someone so different from the real me to the world). Soon enough, you and your man will be walking the streets, you’ll be getting the compliments from people and he will think “The woman I know I have is different from the woman people think I have”. Not a good space.

-You will give your husband sloppy seconds in personality: When you constantly hide behind layers and those layers are what give you self confidence and a good sense of self, then your behavior will begin to evolve to match those personas because as humans, we behave how we feel. Think about it…you go out to the world, all done up and layered, feeling and behaving confident, poised and secure. You come home, take them all off and your confidence, poise and security goes off too (This is not a generalization of all women. If the shoe fits…). You start behaving, talking and acting insecure and incomplete and guess what...you’ll put pressure on him to give you ALL the affirmation you need because the compliments, confidence and sense of worth you got from the world out there were for things that were not the real you. The compliments on how pretty you are, your hair, your eyes, your fitted dress, your nails etc  all come and at the back of your mind, you know it’s all the makeup, the hair attachment/weave-you-overpaid-for-that-used-to-be-the-hair-of-someone-else-from-another race, the lashes you attached, the shaper/corset…and all the layers you have added to yourself to totally hide the real you…and then you come home, take them all off and demand that your man “Love you for you” and “Love you the way you are” and he secretly wants to say “Even YOU don’t love you for you”… “Even YOU don’t love you the way you are”.

So Sista…work on loving yourself more and more. Your natural self. Connect with her. Make her naturally beautiful from time to time. Hit the gym if you need to, eat better if you need to, wake up a few minutes earlier to take care of natural hair, but know that you are probably more beautiful than you allow yourself to think. You were created by God and he has a plan for your life that is unique and amazing and involves you the way you are. You just gotta walk and talk like you believe that, and you’ll see the world respond positively to that.Deviation from your norm is good but If that deviation has now become your standard of living, then you’re trapped in a life of Standard Deviation…don’t be. You deserve better.